[jackedback]

I dont know if this is the right place it seems to have elements of many. I worked the night shift for 12 yrs. The last 4-5 yrs working didnt feel real. I cant really remember much from that time whenever I come across something from that time period I'm like wow when did that happen. I do remember feeling that nothing felt real, I would stand in front of a mirror looking into my eyes for long periods of time trying to wake up. I used to see things that were off. I called them glitches. Like a bird flying backwards. I started to get a chronic pain problem. My back and legs hurt so bad. I've stopped working. Ive been diagnosed with arthritis on my spine. Since I've stopped working things have changed. Most of the time I feel awake. But sometimes I do things that are not me. I can remember them but its fuzzy like and old memory and when im in this mode time is different, 4 hours can feel like 15mins. I first I didnt really mind, This other me didn't worry about the things I did and the things we did were stupid. Like different clothes, taking a bath instead of a shower. I say the last 3yrs we started to do things that have made me feel ashamed. I would take pictures and do sex chat with anyone. I would do anything they asked. Soon I started meeting real life, letting strangers abuse me in anyway the wanted. I could see myself doing these things , felt disgusted and wanted to stop but I wasnt in control and its for some reason I felt that the other me was doing everything to hurt me. There were times that I'd try to talk to my closest friends about it. But I wouldnt and end up saying something to them that made them mad. About a year ago I was able to take control for awhile and I moved to a very rural house and sold my car. It stopped my sexual contact. But the self abuse continues. I recently had 3 days basically fly by. With out getting into to much detail I ended up with bad rope burns, welts, bruises and cuts from a strap. I did myself with a very large object, very bruised and ripped open some. I remember some of it but not all and what I do remember feels like it happened to someone else. I just dont understand why im like this and why cant I just not do it.

[Claritytoo]

You haven't mentioned if you talk to a psychologist or other doctor. I think it is important to reach out to your local mental health services. Sometimes there are mental health clinics or sometimes going to the hospital and talking with a physician can lead to finding a good mental health doctor. It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is. If you are hurting yourself you need to talk about this with someone. I am, in part, in therapy because I hurt myself and promised us I wouldn't ever do that again. It took a while but I haven't hurt the body in a couple of years. I have thought about it only now I don't. Be strong.

[avlady]

Jackedback Welcome!!!I'm sorry you can't get a hold on you self inflicted problems, you do need to see a doc and T for sure!!! i would not want anyone i know to be hurting themselves, including you!!!Please try to control yourself if you feel like hurting yourself -think of all of us here who would be screaming don't do it!!!I also hope your arthritis gets to be not as bad, i also have arthritis and a on loritabs for the pain, but may be going in for the epidural shots soon too.Well i hope you have a good day and please stop hurting yourself.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by jackedback

I dont know if this is the right place it seems to have elements of many. I worked the night shift for 12 yrs. The last 4-5 yrs working didnt feel real. I cant really remember much from that time whenever I come across something from that time period I'm like wow when did that happen. I do remember feeling that nothing felt real, I would stand in front of a mirror looking into my eyes for long periods of time trying to wake up. I used to see things that were off. I called them glitches. Like a bird flying backwards. I started to get a chronic pain problem. My back and legs hurt so bad. I've stopped working. Ive been diagnosed with arthritis on my spine. Since I've stopped working things have changed. Most of the time I feel awake. But sometimes I do things that are not me. I can remember them but its fuzzy like and old memory and when im in this mode time is different, 4 hours can feel like 15mins. I first I didnt really mind, This other me didn't worry about the things I did and the things we did were stupid. Like different clothes, taking a bath instead of a shower. I say the last 3yrs we started to do things that have made me feel ashamed. I would take pictures and do sex chat with anyone. I would do anything they asked. Soon I started meeting real life, letting strangers abuse me in anyway the wanted. I could see myself doing these things , felt disgusted and wanted to stop but I wasnt in control and its for some reason I felt that the other me was doing everything to hurt me. There were times that I'd try to talk to my closest friends about it. But I wouldnt and end up saying something to them that made them mad. About a year ago I was able to take control for awhile and I moved to a very rural house and sold my car. It stopped my sexual contact. But the self abuse continues. I recently had 3 days basically fly by. With out getting into to much detail I ended up with bad rope burns, welts, bruises and cuts from a strap. I did myself with a very large object, very bruised and ripped open some. I remember some of it but not all and what I do remember feels like it happened to someone else. I just dont understand why im like this and why cant I just not do it.

your thread title....what to do?.....Im so sorry but we dont tell each other what they should and should do. only you know what you need emotionally and physically.

what I can say is that I know many people who have the same problem. with some of them medication for the pain and possible dissociative symptoms can help.

I include the wording ...possible dissociative symptoms....because this kind of stuff is sometimes called a dissociative problem and other times depending on ones location, culture, treatment providers and other accompanying symptoms its not a dissociative symptom but rather an addiction, chemical imbalance, and other mental and physical problems.

different locations/cultures /treatment providers treat it differently..for example

I had alternate personalities that would get me into the darker side of sex and abuse. the way my treatment providers and I took care of this was through inpatient/hospitalization so that when these alters were active I would not end up harmed.

now that all my alternate personalities and I are integrated my wife and I do sometimes engage in the darker side of things, but we do so in a safe way...we set boundaries /rules /safety words that mean stop....

with this situation my therapist and I talk about it but other than suggesting things that may improve the safety and the enjoyment she considers it to be normal and ok.

in my culture it is actually an accepted thing for a person to do what ever they need to do to obtain a connection to the deep states of mind that come with things like self abuse, self harm, ...

there are many religions that still practice things like abusing one self as a way to cause this deeper state of clouded mind that sometimes is called dissociation.

my point is that depending upon many different factors other than what you posted the ....what to do?....is simple and complicated at the same time..and something we cant answer for you. only a treatment provider can tell you what to do.

why cant you stop..again that all depends on many different factors...

one of my alters could not stop because she was trained to abuse me.
another alter could not stop because thats that she used to reach orgasm.
another alter did it because she felt she deserved to be abused.
another alter did it because she was abusing herself before others could harm her, something she could control.

why do my wife and I engage in the darker side sometimes...because sometimes that's what does it for me. its like turning a release valve with me sometimes...a way for me to release all the pent up emotions, stress....and frankly we (my wife and I) enjoy it sometimes. with my wife she never tried this side of things until I came along and she was open to the idea and pleasantly surprised at the results. on my side yes for me it is an addiction ....something I cant stop, like a person who does drugs, alcohol or smoking cigs my body has been taught to enjoy this kind of stuff and craves it. I have learned how to engage in it safely, be in control of it rather than it in control over me. someday when both my wife and I dont want the darker side of things we will talk between ourselves and our respective treatment providers on whats the best way for us to get out of that side of things.

like I said I cant tell you what to do but my suggestion is...if this continues to bother you you can contact any treatment providers in your location and they can advise you on how this situation is dealt with in your location and taking into consideration any other accompanying symptoms.