This probably sounds farfetched, but I don't think if anyone really knew me, would consider me human. I have known people not to before, but now I understand why. Genetics don't make you human. Feelings and emotions don't make you human. Love for yourself and others, along with strength does.

I don't fntasize about harming people, but I have had selfish moments in my life where someone else was emotionally harmed. I use to think perhaps I was mentally ill. I realize now that even if I am, that doesn't change me not being human, or alive just because I have a pulse.

No, I think I damaged myself fifteen years ago and have been slowly decaying ever since. I didn't notice it at first, but now I realize that to society, I don't count as being genuinely human. Too many lies. Even when I wanted to tell the truth, too much cowardence. Even when I tell the truth, too much liability. No, I am treated and looked at like a disgrace. A mistake. A monster.

I do admit that I greatly admire Christian values. The idea of grace is amazing, and the idea of a god that loves me despite my shortcomings even more so. We don't live in a world that truly embraces Christianity though. People certainly don't strive to emulate Jesus.

My impulses, however, are too sinister for society to forgive. I may not have let a little girl drown in a pool or recklessly shot an innocent bystander, but my lies have ruined people emotionally. When I was young, I was confused about something, and didn't believe I was lying at the time. Part of what I said was true. To society, none of it is now.

I need out. No one will ever forgive me. Sexual Assualt or Rape? Cheated on or paranoid? The answer is all the same to the world - too late. No one will believe me. Perception trumps truth. My actions trump redemption here.

I hope God can forgive me. God is the only one who is willing to. People make it difficult for me to forgive myself.

[Claritytoo]

People have no place in wither you forgive yourself or not. In fact the only one who knows who you are is you. And when all is said and done that is all that matters. We all do and say things that hurt someone or hurt ourselves. And everyone has an opinion. Sometimes they have a good reason to not want to talk to me again. But it is their good reason. They don't know how difficult it is for me to function in the world. So I have learned to find my truth. Who I am to me. If I see something that I don't like we change it. Not for what people want but for what we want. Love yourself first the rest is not for us to control. Feel better.