[deepestwaters40]

Wondering if anyone had some thoughts on my situation. Not trying to self-diagnose or anything. I'm just trying to gain some insight before I bring it to my pdoc and therapist. I'm diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety and also have obsessive tendencies that can go hand in hand with my anxiety.

Bare with me if I'm over explaining things...if I think too much about it nothing will reach the page that makes sense.

About a month ago I train wrecked into a depression that caused me to feel very suicidal. I wasn't seeking proper help for bipolar and I was only on a regular antidepressant. Wasn't surprising considering how long I had been pushing through without proper meds. I wouldn't have followed through with any plans (as I didn't even really have any) but I ended up hospitalized...I went into an ed with my dad per my therapist's request to get evaluated (wasn't under any dr to call). There's always this red flag with me too because I tried to commit last spring-actually going through with it was from a rare reaction I apparently have to benzos...not entirely my fault but people take it seriously now if I say I'm suicidal. I was evaluated and the lady I talked to was really nice and seemed interested in helping "fast track" me on some meds (it could take who knows how long to get into a pdoc). She offered me the option to be hospitalized for a few days in order to do this. She was hopeful, nice, and extremely funny-I liked her so much and I put complete trust in her and how this would help me. Her and her associate told me about the place. They said things about it that ended up not being true and I felt betrayed by them. Lies quickly blew up while I was there and I ended up being let go after 2 days. I wasn't that unstable compared to others who are usually hospitalized so they felt safe to let me go...and I think they feared a lawsuit because of my reaction to what happened. I also ended up having a pdoc I could see when I left which made them feel better.

That all in 3 days- the longest weekend of my life. Ever since then I've been in a daze or a fog...like my mind put all that had happened deep down inside me somewhere because I couldn't handle the stress of what happened. I finally train wrecked after a year of barely keeping my head above water...and then that traumatic weekend to top it off. They didn't physically harm me or anything but I was lied to about the quality of the facility and what I could and could not do or have. In short, I felt like I was being messed with and everything I was upset about was being turned around on me like I was the problem. I would have been there longer if I didn't finally stand up for myself and everything that was wrong with how they were treating me...I still don't even know how I did that-it literally took every ounce of strength in me. It was awful. I've mostly lost feeling to anything that happened though and the memories are hazy.

My pdoc keeps saying my body just needs time to get used to the meds and that's why I'm foggy. I just realized yesterday I was foggy before meds (after the weekend). And I've been telling my therapist that pdoc says it's from the meds and it will pass.

Here's what I experience: Spacey/foggy feeling -drifting into thought or day dreaming. Take forever to do things (I've already been writing this for over an hour)- lose track of time easily. Over stimulated easily where I can't even think anymore. Lose what I'm saying in a conversation. Disconnected from others and my surroundings-reality. Find myself not remembering what someone said-hard time listening. Auto pilot sometimes- find that I did tasks I don't remember doing. Can't stop thinking but if you were to ask what I always think about I probably wouldn't be able to say. Feel outside of myself-like I can see myself and what is happening like it's a dream...but not like I'm physically outside looking at myself. Often wondered who am I anymore and if this is really happening.

Never felt this way before-my family and I would know. Does this really make sense as far as dissociation? Can someone with bipolar and/or anxiety easily have this happen after a stressful time? Would my pdoc even understand or know anything about it? If I some how work through what happened will it go away? It doesn't make sense that the meds would do that since I felt like this before I took them.

I would appreciate any helpful feedback you have to offer. (thanks for reading my long story)

[Patagonia]

I'm new here so I'm not too comfortable saying I know what's going on w/ you. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience w/ the hospitalization. It gives good places a bad rap, but there are some very good ones & some real lousy ones out there. Had you been to that place before? It sounded like a whirlwind experience.
I've been experiencing dissociation for a couple of yrs & the way you describe it does sound like dissociation. I'm not sure a Pdoc can do too much but your T could go over some grounding techniques that'll help you stay more present. It definitely a strange if not scary feeling.
I wish you the best in your search for answers!
P

[innocentjoy]

I would bring up the issues with your t or doctor. In order to be diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, usually the dr will have t make sure there is no physical reason causing your symptoms (such as siezures or meds). So I wouldn't be surprised if it is because of the meds that you are feeling like this all of a sudden. You said it's been a month since med changes, which is still in the range for side effects. I've had similar side effects where my mind just doesn't focus while on a couple different meds.
It sounds to me like your doctor has already answered your questions and you don't trust his answer? Is there a reason you don't think it could be true? As far as noticing symptoms before med time, that doesn't surprise me, as it's already in your system to begin with, so your body chemistry has been changed. If the symptoms are really uncomfortable, you always have the right to decide you don't want to be on that med, and ask about other possibilities. It's your dr's decision what to prescribe you, but it always works best if you have a good level of communication based on what you, as the person taking the meds, feels/experiences/wishes.
Good luck with everything.

[deepestwaters40]

Originally Posted by innocentjoy

It sounds to me like your doctor has already answered your questions and you don't trust his answer? Is there a reason you don't think it could be true?

It started just after that weekend. That was one week before I started any meds that's why it doesn't make sense to me. I'll still talk to him. I just don't get it though.

[dragonfly2]

From my own perspective, what you have described sounds like the way I experience my dissociation (depersonalization and derealization). Certainly your traumatic weekend, and even being so profoundly depressed and suicidal could have triggered it. Whether or not you would have actually gone through with it, your mind may have sensed that your life was in danger, which is a common cause of dissociation, even in people without a dissociative disorder. At this point, it's probably too soon to even speculate that you may have a dissociative disorder - only your pdoc/T can diagnose that anyway - but you need to have the dissociative symptoms in the absence of any mood disturbances, which clearly it sounds like you haven't.

I have both bipolar and a dissociative disorder (Depersonalization/derealization disorder) and do have the dissociation even when my bipolar is stable. But sometimes they play together - I tend to dissociate between episodes, particularly when I'm cycling and switching between the two poles. It's like my brain needs to put itself into neutral - even for just a few hours - before engaging in the other gear, so to speak. Just something interesting I've observed.

The meds could be a factor, but you said you were feeling this way before the meds. That's a tough one to tease apart and will just take some time.

You've been through a lot recently. Give yourself some time to regroup and get your feet back on the ground. Try not to think about it too much, have plenty of protein (it's been known to help) and take it easy for a few days. It will likely go away.

[deepestwaters40]

I just talked to my T. I'm trying to not let myself get overwhelmed with why and how details right now as she encouraged me to. She said she remembers me being upset over what happened when I saw her just after that weekend. She agreed that it sounded like my experience definitely could've brought it all on. Like you all are saying she said it takes time to figure it all out especially with the meds in the mix. She also said that she can tell how upset I am over it now and that it matches up with what I was saying to her after it all happened-it's valid and it makes sense and not making it all up.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis really-I much rather not have anything else wrong with me But in time if we do figure out some kind of diagnosis, then so be it. But right now I just want closure of some sort from all of this. It was a really bad experience for me. I slowly keep remembering details I have blocked out. I'm going to move forward in the hope that I will move past this and it will get better.

[deepestwaters40]

Oh and thank you for the replies. It's encouraging to know people care right now

[innocentjoy]

I hadn't realized the symptoms started before meds, I had thought the meds were started while in the hospital. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a scary experience! Unfortunately I've noticed that truama can make med changes harder, and med changes can make truama more difficult to deal with. I'm glad you have a t that is so supportive and encouraging for you. No one should ever have to feel so vulnterable that they become traumatized. Hopefully you can do some self care, which is sooo important. This includes things to keep you grounded (soothing/comforting senses that help - flavours, textures, scents, etc), and doing things that are calming to your body, breathing/meditating, baths/showers, special foods, distracting and calming activities. Really whatever works for you. A good way to think about this, if you have trouble 'treating' yourself is that in development a care giver is meant to soothe a child/infant when they become upset. They would physically do all those things for the child. As a child grows it is an important part of development that they learn to do this for themselves. And the more stressful a situation, the more obvious and often these soothing techniques need to be.
Hope you are feeling better soon (if not already!)
IJ

[deepestwaters40]

Originally Posted by innocentjoy

I hadn't realized the symptoms started before meds, I had thought the meds were started while in the hospital. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a scary experience! Unfortunately I've noticed that truama can make med changes harder, and med changes can make truama more difficult to deal with. I'm glad you have a t that is so supportive and encouraging for you. No one should ever have to feel so vulnterable that they become traumatized. Hopefully you can do some self care, which is sooo important. This includes things to keep you grounded (soothing/comforting senses that help - flavours, textures, scents, etc), and doing things that are calming to your body, breathing/meditating, baths/showers, special foods, distracting and calming activities. Really whatever works for you. A good way to think about this, if you have trouble 'treating' yourself is that in development a care giver is meant to soothe a child/infant when they become upset. They would physically do all those things for the child. As a child grows it is an important part of development that they learn to do this for themselves. And the more stressful a situation, the more obvious and often these soothing techniques need to be.
Hope you are feeling better soon (if not already!)
IJ

Yea sorry I probably made it sound like that...I didn't end up staying long enough for them to start any. I only stayed for the weekend.

Thanks for mentioning the self-care. I'm not really sure what to do with that at the moment. Last night I remembered things and wrote them down and some parts I started crying like I could feel it happening. I felt calm and content after and went to sleep. This morning I woke up and kept feeling anxious of what I remember. I kept distracting myself enough not to completely panic. I just took a shower and now I'm very tired. I'm not anxious anymore but I almost feel numb and very disconnected. It's going to take some time before I can keep myself grounded. I don't even know where my mind keeps going right now...I've been writing this for 30 minutes!