Big day in T

I had a new flashback last week, so we talked about it today, and my T had me go through the experience, and used EMDR to help me process it. During the discussion, I mentioned that sometimes I'm not even sure which of the three smallest ones does/says/feels what, because I feel like the lines between them are so blurred right now. He said that it was good that they were blurred, and was positive about it. Then it dawned on me. I asked if that meant they were integrating, and he said that's exactly what it meant. This would be my first integration experience. I thought I would notice if it happened, or have a chance to say goodbye to them or something, I don't know. I feel really bad for not even realizing that they were leaving me, like I'm a mom who left her kid at walmart and didn't realize it. I know it's progress, which is 'good'. But all I feel is confused and unsure.

I'm sad because I'll miss them, guilty because I didn't get to say goodbye to them, and scared because I don't know what to expect now, what to do, think, etc. I feel like I've lost part of me, which was not what I expected to feel. I hate that it happened without me realizing it, or controlling it.

Is this weird for me to be feeling like this? I just want to cry. I wish I could feel happy about it, like everyone else seems to be feeling. Sigh.

we dont think its weird as a matter of fact we have no plans to integrate so we understand

You didn't lose them. They are just closer to you now. Just give yourself a hug and they will feel it. Take care.

I wrote a poem to them last night. I will read it to my t when I see her on Wednesday. It helped to be able to say how I felt about it. I want to find some information on integrating, if anyone has a link or title of something helpful I'd appreciate it.

I know most people don't consider alters 'real' people, but to me they were real, and now that they're gone, even though I can still see them in my six year old alter, it's like a loss for me.

Thanks for the support!
IJ

no you are not weird for having feelings even if its about this...for some people integration isnt something you can plan or say Im going to integrate or say Im not going to integrate because for many people with DID it just happens, with no plans, no celebration, no good byes, it just sometimes happens.

keep working with your treatment providers they will be able to help you through this grieving /changing process from many to one whole person.

Thanks, that helps a bit. Sometimes I just wish I knew someone in my area who understood dissociation well that could answer my questions, instead of waiting for one short hour with my T every week or two.

I understand that feeling!! I only see my T for half an hour every two weeks. It feels like I don't get a chance to really talk about anything. I feel like I can't make any progress like that, and I've told my T that (and other Ts I've had before), but they can't offer me more time because of the volume of people who need help.
Sometimes I cancel my appointments with my T just because I feel like it's not doing me much good and that I'm only wasting my time. Ts I have had said when I cancel appointments, it shows I'm not willing to try much - that I'm not putting forth much effort. When they say that, I feel angry and usually wait a few months to reschedule for an appointment.
I end up in this cycle where my Ts don't respect me for cancelling and I don't respect them for not understanding why I feel the way I do.

If you are frustrated you don't have enough time, not showing up is just going to make things more difficult for you, not for them. For you, this is your life. For them, it's another open half hour for them to work on other people's cases. You're choosing to give up your half hour to another patient.

You have every right to feel upset and frustrated, but there is probably something you can do about the situation that will help you, instead of this decision that hurts you. Just another way of looking at things. It is hard to work with the little that you have, but if you want them to put more time in to seeing you, I would be working to prove to them that those appointments woulldn't just be wasted time to begin with. the only way to make them understand how you feel, is to talk to them and let them know. You can't do that if you aren't there to talk. Get frustrated, let them know how you feel, expect them to be accountable for their actions, words, etc. After all, they are in business to serve you. But you have to be there for all of that to happen.

I know thats probably not what you wanted to hear, but your actions are only going to hurt yourself more, unfortunately.
IJ