Ugh, families

I have been having a lot of trouble lately still having a positive relationship with my family because I'm dealing with childhood stuff and am so darn angry about everything. My parents (mom especially) are huge triggers for me. Neither of them abused me, in the physical sense, but I did not get nearly the amount of support I needed from them. Not because they're horrible people, but because they just didn't see it, and didn't understand. Story of my life, the never-understood youngest child always seeking approval and attention. Sigh.

I went home this weekend, was very nervous about it, but my friend came with me and suggested I limit conversations to once a week with them, via phone. I was in awe at how simple and brilliant that plan was. I told them I needed to 'practice being an adult' as a reason for me to not be talking to them. If they knew it was because they trigger me, it would be a long, horrible, annoying and dramatic ordeal. My mom thought it was a good idea, and even mentioned to my friend that she thought I was 'doing better'.

Last night, my dad called me while trying to text me, which was no problem, he was never a big trigger anyway. Tonight my mom called out of the blue, told me that tuesday ngiths work best for her, and went on to unload a ton of stuff, like how she's afraid when my dad leaves for a fire call in the night that it's someone trying to get him out of the house so they can attack her, and on and on. I should have not answered, I was busy. I should have told her I was busy. I should have set boundaries. But I did not, and was triggered, and now am having a hard time calming down, 4 hours later. My voice lesson tonight was horrible because I was so stressed out, and my teacher even asked me if I was sick because I just wasn't really there. Usually singing is one of the few things that can make me feel better.

I will talk to them when I see them this weekend, and set up a time that works for all of us. But I am just so frustrated. I feel like my boundaries were completely violated, which isn't exactly true seeing as they weren't really that clear to begin with. We never agreed on a time, just on a once a week.

Does anyone else have trouble with boundaries with family? I just wish I could put them in a box and close it and only take it out when I'm feeling up for it.

IJ

I don't call them or answer the phone when they call. I let them leave a voice mail and if they don't sound too insane I call back. But usually after I listen to the voice mail and find out that it isn't anything too pressing I just delete the voice mail and go about living my life.

I think you're being very hard on yourself saying that you "should have set boundaries". That's a process, not an on/off switch. It takes time and you kind of have to build it up - the boundaries themselves and the skills to maintain them - over time.

You have STARTED putting up boundaries, and that is BRILLIANT!

What I would do now is treat this as a learning experience. Think about, say, your conversation with your mother, what was not okay for you, and what you would like to change. Maybe make a list of the things that were not okay. This is the first step to training your brain to help you maintain boundaries.

I know it's hard but it will get easier

I'm so sorry that you were triggered, by the telephone call from your mother. I recognize the trigger that the family can be. For me it is a difficult thing, they trigger me a lot. And like what you say, if i would tell them that it will be a big drama. In therapy, I am trying to find a good way to have contact with them which is good for both. For now that is that I take distance.

You have taken a good step, by indicating that you want to have contact once a week. That you have done that for yourself, you can be proud of that! It is a start, your parents will also have to get used to this new way of contact. I think you handled it very well by saying that you want to 'practice to be an adult'. Therefore you have ensured that there will be no drama and problems. Your mother even thought it was a good idea, from there you can work together on a new form of contact.

Think about what you want, what will work for you? discuss that with your parents, so that it is also clear to them.

Bloem

Thanks. I will have to come up with some clear guidelines, for myself and my parents. Like if they call out of the blue, I may do what Claritytoo does and just let it go to voicemail and call them back. I will also have to keep explaining the once a week thing, and even perhaps once we have a night, be the one to call them myself. That way I'm not surprised out of the blue.

Tinyrabbit, you make sense, talking about it as a process. I need to keep reminding myself that this will be trial and error until it's worked out, and that it's okay to not be perfect, to be a beginner.

Bloem, the list sounds like a good idea. And I have an appointment today with a counsellor who can help me process, hopefully. Perhaps even help me out with the list.

I am feeling a bit better about it after a night's sleep, and your supportive words!!
xoxo
IJ

Checked back in to see how you are doing. Glad to see you are feeling better.