[krapzz]

"...every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

A quote from the movie Office Space that describes my declining depression. I've been depressed since I was 12 years old; every single day--not a day when i didn't feel like complete ****.

I've been going through something kind of strange recently though; I've had DP/DR for a while, but recently it seems to have reached a whole new level: I literally feel nothing. My face is as flat as a board all day long. I have social phobia, I think--which has turned into asociality (or maybe the other way around). The only people I talk to are my roommates, and even then it's just me mindlessly responding to things they say, or just mindlessly interrupting their conversation with nonsensical mumbling.

I recently broke up with my long distance girlfriend of 6 years. I dated her from the ages of 13-19. While we were dating, I seemed to want to do things with other girls--but not I just seem to have no sex drive at all. I feel asexual, and I don't know if it's because of the break up. I go to a university that's rated in the top 3 for the most attractive girls (on some stupid site), but even still, I don't have any desire to pursue--to have sex--or to even talk to any of them.

Nothing makes me smile; nothing brings me joy; nothing comes to my mind. I'm pretty sure my body is just working on autopilot.

I think I have an expressive language disorder because I can't talk as well as I can write. When I talk my words are jumbled, and my sentences just don't makes sense. I've always been known for being a good writer--but I've always also been known as being a near-mute. I'm really envious of people who have authentic relationships with people--even though I feel like it's something I don't want. It's really a contradiction...

I can't look at people in the eyes; I can't relate to people... I am deeply cynical.

I was a good looking kid; random girls would come up to me and hug me, or ask to be my girlfriend. Now I feel like my looks are declining. I'm losing my hair at the age of 19, and I'm much shorter for my age now, since I was an early bloomer (I started puberty at 8).

People always call me out for mumbling and talking to low, but I feel like... no matter how hard I try... I can't speak any louder or better.

I just don't get it...

Other people around me don't seem like they're going through the hell that I am. At least they have the energy to talk to people; they care enough to fake smiles. When people tell me they're depressed, I just want to laugh at them, because unless they're bedridden... they know nothing.

I smoked marijuana every day for a year. I recently stopped because it gave me anxiety even in the smallest amounts (I had a permanent extremely low tolerance, it seemed). That's what probably caused my mind to worsen to what it is now... even though it's always been crap.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm already dead. Dreams and reality have begun to intertwine. I can't seem to pay attention to anything, because nothing seems to have any value. I don't enjoy music, movies; I really just don't enjoy anything.

I feel completely alone on this, because as I said before, nobody that I've seen seems as bad as me.

I'm hopeless... and I just desperately want to want.

Could something be wrong with me? Could some levels of something be off?
I tried Lexapro once, for about a month, but it just made me feel like how I'm feeling like now: numb, and ******.

Consolation or advice would be appreciated.

I usually post things on threads, and just run away from them and never look at them again because I fear what people may say, but not today...

Because today I'm much too miserable for that.

[Claritytoo]

Have you talked to your therapist about how you are feeling. You are young so sometimes when you are young you can not see past the moment. And I know this sounds cliche but it does get better, but not without some effort. We all have different ways of being in the world. It doesn't matter if you can verbally express yourself with ease. Not everyone can. Focus on your ability to express yourself through writing. Keep a daily journal. Even if you just write one thing a day. Set a structure for your day. Get up early, wash up, straighten up your space, eat something anything. try to go outside at least once a day and breath. You are young and may have had a lot of pain through your young life but it will get better. There are good things for you ahead. Remind yourself about being a good writer and try not to put your focus on the things you don't like. Everyone has stuff they don't like about themselves. Even the most confident looking people. And if you don't have a therapist I think it would be a good idea to seek one out. Many communities have public mental health clinics that will help you work through this difficult time. And you don't have to talk in therapy. Not in the beginning. My therapist gave me her email address and I was able to express things through writing that I would have never talked about. Now I can talk more openly about things I thought I would never speak of. I hope you feel better soon you have a lot of good things ahead of you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by krapzz

"...every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

A quote from the movie Office Space that describes my declining depression. I've been depressed since I was 12 years old; every single day--not a day when i didn't feel like complete ****.

I've been going through something kind of strange recently though; I've had DP/DR for a while, but recently it seems to have reached a whole new level: I literally feel nothing. My face is as flat as a board all day long. I have social phobia, I think--which has turned into asociality (or maybe the other way around). The only people I talk to are my roommates, and even then it's just me mindlessly responding to things they say, or just mindlessly interrupting their conversation with nonsensical mumbling.

I recently broke up with my long distance girlfriend of 6 years. I dated her from the ages of 13-19. While we were dating, I seemed to want to do things with other girls--but not I just seem to have no sex drive at all. I feel asexual, and I don't know if it's because of the break up. I go to a university that's rated in the top 3 for the most attractive girls (on some stupid site), but even still, I don't have any desire to pursue--to have sex--or to even talk to any of them.

Nothing makes me smile; nothing brings me joy; nothing comes to my mind. I'm pretty sure my body is just working on autopilot.

I think I have an expressive language disorder because I can't talk as well as I can write. When I talk my words are jumbled, and my sentences just don't makes sense. I've always been known for being a good writer--but I've always also been known as being a near-mute. I'm really envious of people who have authentic relationships with people--even though I feel like it's something I don't want. It's really a contradiction...

I can't look at people in the eyes; I can't relate to people... I am deeply cynical.

I was a good looking kid; random girls would come up to me and hug me, or ask to be my girlfriend. Now I feel like my looks are declining. I'm losing my hair at the age of 19, and I'm much shorter for my age now, since I was an early bloomer (I started puberty at 8).

People always call me out for mumbling and talking to low, but I feel like... no matter how hard I try... I can't speak any louder or better.

I just don't get it...

Other people around me don't seem like they're going through the hell that I am. At least they have the energy to talk to people; they care enough to fake smiles. When people tell me they're depressed, I just want to laugh at them, because unless they're bedridden... they know nothing.

I smoked marijuana every day for a year. I recently stopped because it gave me anxiety even in the smallest amounts (I had a permanent extremely low tolerance, it seemed). That's what probably caused my mind to worsen to what it is now... even though it's always been crap.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm already dead. Dreams and reality have begun to intertwine. I can't seem to pay attention to anything, because nothing seems to have any value. I don't enjoy music, movies; I really just don't enjoy anything.

I feel completely alone on this, because as I said before, nobody that I've seen seems as bad as me.

I'm hopeless... and I just desperately want to want.

Could something be wrong with me? Could some levels of something be off?
I tried Lexapro once, for about a month, but it just made me feel like how I'm feeling like now: numb, and ******.

Consolation or advice would be appreciated.

I usually post things on threads, and just run away from them and never look at them again because I fear what people may say, but not today...

Because today I'm much too miserable for that.

ok one thing you need to know about being a member here is that we are all in the same boat, by that I mean we all have problems and none of us can tell each other what the others problems and solutions are.

we can tell you things like what jumps out at us in your post, make suggestions, tell you what those things are in our own locations, tell you what our own treatment providers call things in ourselves,...that kind of stuff. but we cant tell you whats what inside or you, only your own treatment provider can tell you whats what inside of you....

what jumps out at me in your post is that you say you have

Originally Posted by krapzz

I smoked marijuana every day for a year.

for some people that I know this does leave the person with lasting residual affects like what you have described.....depression, lack of affect(in your words My face is as flat as a board all day long) anti social behavior....

even more so when someone has quit smoking marijuana after a long period of using... some locations call it withdrawal.

one thing I do know about dissociative disorders is that before a treatment provider can diagnose and treat them is to rule out the symptoms are caused by the usage of drugs..

in your case what that means is that in order for you to start feeling better you will need to contact a treatment provider who can get you through the withdrawal stage and then evaluate what is the residual side effects using has left you with and which symptoms are from your depersonalization/derealization disorders.

once you and your treatment provider knows which symptoms belong to which of your problems they can help you to begin to feel better about yourself, your recent break up, and your mental disorder problems.