[potdecole70]

I was hospitalized the first time at 18. Then again at 25. Finanly diagnose with bipolar tipe 2. I never felt I fit in that diagnoe. Then after I turned 40 in a spand of 2 years I been hospitalized 3 times. I once peeked at my medical file and saw it said I have borderline personality disorder. when I asked my Dr he denied it. However my therapist thinks I do and so do I. things are only getting worst. I just found this site and score very high for so many heilnesses. I think I disociate. I ofen think I switch to a different person. I have since maybe 6 years old have given my personality names mostly girls but one boy for sure. I can recal 7 people in me. There is times when in my brain there is fights arguments. Like they all want to take over. My ex killed himself and two years later its like he was there slaming doors judging me telling me I have to pay for causing his death. He wanted me to die pay he would never stop until I and my daughter died. I have often though of killing myself. He also goes into my daughter life. Two days ago I was upset with my boyfriend who I adore very much I felt like he never supports me or understand. He don't trust me. Everything is my fault. When I got up in the morning I was someone else. By the end of day I figured this is new I was my mother. I have now issolated myself. I read study want to understand live more normal life. I cant control it. They take over. I often have forgotten what ive done completely. I have forgotten years of my childhood and adulthood. Also think everyone has secrets. Everyone is evil and want to hide there evil. That no one good would be part of my life. That they pick me because im sick and weak that I can be abused. Thats it for now.

[Claritytoo]

You sound like you are going through a lot. Have you mentioned any of this to your therapist? If you think you may be having dissociative episodes let your therapist know. Your therapist can take the time to work with you to figure out how best to proceed in therapy. It is important that you and your therapist work together no matter what the diagnosis is. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

[innocentjoy]

I agree that it is important to talk to your therapist. Only they will be able to help you wade through all of these issues. It sounds like you're very confused, and being very triggered right now. These different symptoms can get much worse with stress, and since it is the holidays, it makes sense that things are a little tough right now. If you've been dealing with these issues for years, it sounds like you are not getting the support and answers you need. This can be for many reasons, including misdiagnosis, medication needs/issues, your health professionals not having all of the information, not having a good match of professional supports, etc etc. The list goes on.

Most important is for you to take a breath. Remind yourself that you are the same important and good person you have always been, right from birth. If you do have different personalities, they are all parts that make up that wonderul person that you are. If they are simply different moods/aspects of you, they are different aspects that make up that whole person.

One suggestion, if you haven't brought up these important thoughts to your therapist, is to write down a symptom journal. Try and be as specific as you can about when, for how long, and how extreme each symptom is, along with describing words and your feelings at these times. Sometimes it even helps to write out comments you hear from other people. In university I had some people suggest that I might have bipolar because 'sometimes I got so hyper it was like I was a totally different person'. I was a different person(ality) at the time, just not because of bipolar, it was because of trauma.

Having this information written out can help when you're trying to explain it all to other people, or when you're trying to figure things out yourself.

I have been trying to keep track of different aspects of my mental health, so I got some cheap subject notebooks, each a different colour. One I keep all my notes for my dr, one for my counsellor. One I keep messages from my different parts, or notes I write to the parts to communicate, and one I keep all my flashbacks and new memories in (I am working through past trauma and writing them out keeps them from going around and around my mind - I only open this up to read when I'm in session, and only open it to write in it when I'm releasing the memory. That way it remains safe for me). You can use your own method, but it is helpful to 'store' the information so you don't have to keep remembering it. Like writing down a grocery list helps you remember what you need, without having to constantly remind yourself of it. Trying to remember symptoms for appointments and for yourself to later make sense can be similar. If it's written out it's accessible and you don't need to constantly have it in your mind to have that access.
If words are difficult drawing, art work (collages, colours, painting, etc) can help you journal as well.

I wish you all the best. It sounds like you're very anxious right now (and have every right to feel that way). I hope that you can be somewhere safe and calm, and that you have some supportive people to talk to.

All my best,
IJ

[potdecole70]

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me great feed back. Truth is I have stoped seeing my therapist. The last time I saw him I was in my black fase I had nothing good to say about my boyfriend. I also have been in the state that he is so wonderful he is my king he is perfect. I fell it is so hard for people to understand. My boyfriend is not perfect he also is not the evil guy I make him out to be. Its me its all good or all evil. I never see greay areas. Somehow fooled my therapist into beleiving that I should leave my boyfriend. My therapist is only human. I would prefer he would call me on my insanity. Tell me im not being fair. After all how can I ever get better if the professional cant tell me whats wrong if they dont point out where my head is far off. I have done this to my family members too. They now hate my boyfriend. It makes me so sad angry and isolated. Its not him its me. He supports me hes always here for me. Yes when I attack him verbally he can't coop. He takes it personally. There for he fights with me makes things worst when I need love he takes it away. I have though Bout this and think I will go see my therapist soon. I also made a dr appointen. I would like to go to a hospital. But not where I was before. All they did is load me with all kinds of medication. Only talked with me a few Times a week. I live in canada and need a hospital where help is there. A place where they focus on improving your life.

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[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by potdecole70

Thank you for taking the time to read and give me great feed back. Truth is I have stoped seeing my therapist. The last time I saw him I was in my black fase I had nothing good to say about my boyfriend. I also have been in the state that he is so wonderful he is my king he is perfect. I fell it is so hard for people to understand. My boyfriend is not perfect he also is not the evil guy I make him out to be. Its me its all good or all evil. I never see greay areas. Somehow fooled my therapist into beleiving that I should leave my boyfriend. My therapist is only human. I would prefer he would call me on my insanity. Tell me im not being fair. After all how can I ever get better if the professional cant tell me whats wrong if they dont point out where my head is far off. I have done this to my family members too. They now hate my boyfriend. It makes me so sad angry and isolated. Its not him its me. He supports me hes always here for me. Yes when I attack him verbally he can't coop. He takes it personally. There for he fights with me makes things worst when I need love he takes it away. I have though Bout this and think I will go see my therapist soon. I also made a dr appointen. I would like to go to a hospital. But not where I was before. All they did is load me with all kinds of medication. Only talked with me a few Times a week. I live in canada and need a hospital where help is there. A place where they focus on improving your life.

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

When I see someone is new here I like to take time to read their posts and profiles, basically get a feel for what the poster is looking for..

I also like to let the new person know what my posts will reflect...for example here we dont tell each other what their problems are, we dont diagnose, we dont go agaisnt each others treatment providers. what ever your treatment providers have diagnosed and are/have treated you is what you will need to go by.

what we do here is share with each other, sometimes ask questions, tell each other what our own treatment providers call things and how they have treated that with in our selves.

how does this apply to what I see in your posts/profile?

well your topic question....need answers, most of all is there hope to be myself....we cant answer that. only you and your treatment providers (past, present or future treatment providers) can answer that. why because we are not you and we are not your treatment providers...I also see by your posts that you have many problems that share the same symptoms that can be many different things...

let me give you an example....

I was online somewhere in a website like this one. I told them pretty much the same stuff you have posted..well I got about 10 replies of people saying my seeing dead people,and all that was dissociation, and sure theres hope for me...

the reality was there was no hope for me as long as I was not in treatment and not on my medication for my bipolar induced psychosis. the reality was those people who were dead and inhabiting my body and mind were just how my brain was showing me, the stuff that makes up a persons brain like dopamine, neurons, receptors and other stuff was out of whack causing the problem. after I was on medication and back into treatment for my bipolar those inside me that were a result of bipolar induced psychosis, hallucinations and delusions went away.

having people inside can be symptoms of just about every mental disorder and physical problem out there....

the best thing I can tell you is if you really want to know whether there is hope for you, and want to feel better, the best thing you can do is go back into therapy and on your meds and if the meds and the therapist you first see isnt the right fit, just keep on trying. then when you have a treatment provider who you are willing to work with you can ask them for some tests that will diagnose what the problems are and get you on the correect treatment that will allow you to be hallucination, delusion free. once you have that taken care of it will be so much easier for you to address those with in you that are dissociative type personalities.

[innocentjoy]

Hospitals in Canada aren't meant for therapy. They are meant for safety and stabalization. It is outpatient that they work on the real issues, talk to you and help you heal. The system is not set up to be able to provide support like that while people stay there.
Another issue is that if you do have BPD anywhere on your medical file, they will most likely not want you to stay in the hospital for long, unless you are a danger to yourself or others, which I hope you are not. The opinion I came up agasinst again and again is that people with BPD do not succeed by hospital stays, it ends up making them more dependent on the healthcare system, not less. I'm not saying this is true, just what the general attitude toward this diagnosis is.
If you really want to find a place where you can heal and get bettter, I suggest seeing your dr or therapist to see if such a place exists.

It sounds like you could use some help building emotional skills to help deal with the black/white thinking, the extreme emotions and the ability to self soothe. It may be helpful to look into DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) which helps teach you how to navigate those emoational highs and low and learn to see the gray. Most therapists/programs for DBT are very supportive, and this has been shown highly effective for helping people diagnosed with bpd to get their lives back.

Good luck with things!
IJ