Dealing with angry alters?

Hi. I'm new here. I don't have any knowledgeable support IRL and I was wondering how you deal with angry alters? Whenever I feel stressed or threatened I switch to this alter who gets very mad very fast. I mean I think she is trying to protect me but goodness she's mean. If I feel threatened in any way even over the internet she will come out and rip them to shreds. She's threatened my best friend. She has only been violent when someone was violent towards me first. It is like she sees everyone as a threat and tries to get rid of them. How do you deal with that? I'm not very good at standing up for myself and I think that's why she comes out but once she's out she wreaks havoc in my life and in my relationships.

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I have a similar alter, although in my case she is about 9 years old, so it was a little easier for me to have compassion for her (I work with angry kids, so i thought of how I'd work with a client which helped me).
She was really frustrated because I never gave her the recognition she needed, never thanked her for helping me out. I think the first time we really connected was when I told someone out loud how I couldn't have survived without her to take over for me. I'm not comfortable being angry, and so when I repressed the feelings, I created her to hold onto those feelings. She 'knows' in her mind that she is not a likeable alter. That's not her job. Her job is to protect us from threats.
You may be able to help her out by thanking her for helping you. Even if it's not the best way, she does this in the best way she knows how. Next it might help her to reassure her that you guys are safe, that there are safe people out there.
Something that helped me from switching so often to her was that I could start to sense when she was becoming stronger and I would say out loud, write it down: I'm angry. Just by stating that it allowed me to realize that it was okay to be angry. If people are around and you're afraid to be angry, you can also just say it in your head.

Just some thoughts. i wish you luck with this, and hopefully you can connect with her and find some common ground. If she is agreeable, you could even make a compromise about when behaviour is okay, etc. It depends on the two of you, and what she will agree to. It has to be a bit of give and take on both sides.

xoxo
IJ

Thank you. It gives me something to think about. My way of dealing with my alters since my dx was to suppress them.

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Hope this is helpful

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In my experience, supressing alters only makes them more determined to keep doing what they're doing...and is frustrating for all parts. Just like you can't get someone else to do something without having them 'buy into' it, or agree to it, alters tend to behave better when they agree to what's happening. It can be long and frustrating to work with them, but is so much better when you can get there.

Not that everyone is the same, but from what I've experienced/heard that tends to be the pattern.

All the best,
IJ

I quit counseling as soon as she tried to dx me so I've never had anybody to talk to about how to live semi-normally together. I go through periods where I want to know a definitive dx and times where I'd rather not know or maybe the alters votes confuse me. When she got dissociative looking at DID I got out of there.

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I didn't know that you could "not like" your alters. That sounds like it might make things complicated.
That first article sounds like this is going to be some major bandage ripping to start getting better.

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Are there any other names besides "system" to talk about the whole?

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I went decades without a diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with DID I was at first ok with it. Than the enormity of it hit me and I denied it. I went back and forth from acceptance to denial and back as I worked with my therapist. Eventually we all came to realize that the diagnosis is only a starting point and does not define us. We all think it is best to integrate so we can live and feel our life as it is happening. We need to free some of the others from the pain from the past. And we can do that with help from our t. It's a process that you do at your own pace. And you don't have to accept the diagnosis until you are ready. But it is good to continue with therapy while deciding the direction you want your life to go in. Most therapist don't expect patients to immediately accept a diagnosis no matter what it might be. I didn't like the term "little's" so I told my therapist and she stopped using the term. If you don't like the term "system" call them parts or family or something that everyone can agree on. Let your therapist know what works for all of you and what don't. It took me a little time to warm up to the term "system" but that is how we function. It does not define who the parts are but we all function as a system to survive in the world. This site gave and gives me a lot of support and comfort but I still need a therapist to help us understand who we are and why we are here. The time I have spent in therapy has enabled me to appreciate my parts and what it took to get this far in life. I hope some of this helps. Take care.

I just am not sure if I can go back to therapy. It was such a bad experience. And I think some of the alters are more uncomfortable than I am about trying again. Not that I'd even know where to start.

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I understand how you feel. It is a very personal decision. It took me a long time to go to therapy. Even now I have some who only go because the majority of us want to go. Who ever doesn't want to talk to the therapist doesn't have to. No one is forced to talk or even acknowledge their presence during therapy. It is up to them. I do have some, especially the little ones who feel safe in therapy and like going. They talk most of the time during therapy. But only if they want to. If one of the older ones decide to stop session or change the subject my t is ok with that. The reality is if the majority of my parts said they didn't want to continue therapy we would stop. But I think we all want to be able to feel happy and right now that isn't possible. We take care of each other and right now therapy is helping us. But again it is a very personal decision and I would think most if not all of your parts would have to agree to check it out again to see if it can make them feel better. Either way you will be fine. I made for decades without therapy. Not that I didn't need it. I was just too afraid and didn't understand that I had parts. Either way I wish you well.

Christine is an alter (she is 14) that is really aggresive and protective. Once there was a huge mess inside because Judit (another teen alter) forced Chris (Christine's brother, afraid alter who's 13) to smoke a stale cigarette and Christine started cutting the body because she wanted to kill Judit.
She has also hit classmates for no reason and apparently people think "I" (we) am a dangerous person.
I found out that when someone told her not to do something (e.g. "Why do you hit me?"), she understood it was wrong and never happened again, so I guess I'm kinda lucky because she hosted most impulsive behaviors and most of them are gone now (thanks to her).
I agree that acknowledging that she is protecting you can help.
Tom

Mine's 15. She won't tell me her name. So far I only know a few of them. I can feel there is more hiding though. Mine usually has a reason for coming out but yeah I know the feeling. There are people afraid of me and really unless they hit me there isn't a need to be. She is very against therapy though.

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I have one alter (12) who is against therapy. She hates the idea of sharing, as her job is to protect us by not letting anyone else know details. I was able to get her on board with therapy by making a deal with her that I would leave her issues/stories be, and only talk about stuff that had to do with the rest of us. In return for me leaving her issues alone, she would let us talk about other things in therapy. She doesn't have to come out during therapy if she doesn't want to. It's worked fairly well, and she's learned that I am keeping my word (as much as I can).

After being in therapy for some time, I am now in the process of finding someone to work with who she might feel comfortable with opening up to, a little at a time. Again though, her stuff is hers and she can decide what will be said when. I just encourage her.

I don't know if that is something that might make your alter feel safer when it comes to therapy. One thing about having multiple parts coming to therapy is that it's kind of like getting a whole family into therapy. Everyone has to be okay with it at some level.

I would suggest that building a level of trust between you and the alters you know of can really do wonders when it comes to functioning. If an alter trusts you (even a bit) they would be more likely to put up with certain things that they normally would be against, knowing that you're not going to go back on your word, or whatever. Give and take between parts is much easier when there is a level of trust.

Here's an idea that may just help with angry alters.

So your alters are mad? First of all I think understanding your parts is the first key but also to journal and talk to your parts. Are there children that are unable to verbalize there anger. Drawing or allowing kids and others to get communication open. I have found that is the only way for many. Journaling is such a powerful tool in your DID arsenal.
I don't think you need to write everyday and within your pages, the paper is good for drawing or just using colors for ones that are unable to use words to explain there anger. I have found many times over that when you reach out to your parts show them the crayons, write a note to those that are fearful/ Let them know your parts are okay, etc...

I really hope things work out for you..... you will be in my prayers,
Peace and love sent your way, Crew

I read that a lot, that some alters want to hurt the body to kill one of the others. I don't understand that so much. I know my body as one of my parts. The body has been very strong for us and has suffered a lot. I wasn't always good to the body. I would do things that injured the body or could have gotten the body sick or dead. Now we all protect the body. We understand that without the body we all die because there would be no place for us to go. That doesn't mean that I hadn't considered annihilation. Doing something that would kill the body, but even than I knew that would mean we would all die. We have all talked about it and agree to protect the body and make sure we treat the body well. Our body has always protected us. It has taken all the abuse and helped shield us from the pain. One of us broke the bodies hand. It was a shock to see the hand broken. It made us feel sick and made us realize that we all have to agree to keep the body safe. The body has taken a lot, it has been good to us so we will be good to the body.

Wow this is such a great thread. I have an alter named Racer if he ever shows up I immediately need to go to the hospital as I become a danger to self and others. He doesn't have an age, is really angry, had a hard past.