[Claritytoo]

I was sitting in my t office listening to me cry about having hit a bird with my car on my way to therapy. When it happened I had no feelings, than I started thinking about why I had no feelings about. I was sad for the bird but than moved right into what do you do mode. By the time I got into session I was withdrawn, quite, very sad. My t asked me about my mood and I eventually told her what happened all the time crying as if I was nine years old. Some of my other parts were listening. Some were unsympathetic and others were understanding. By the end of session I felt like I had no idea who I am. I used to know. But now I fall apart and float, and feel like I don't know me at all. It's a day later and I still feel very solomon. I almost wouldn't drive this morning because I was afraid. Now I am sitting here dreading the drive home. What I thought I knew about myself is crumbling and I don't know who will be left when it is all said and done. I don't want to go back to therapy. I want it to stop, I want my mind back. I want my focus back but at this point I feel almost too tired to do anything.

[glok]

Hello, Claritytoo. I hope you are able to work through this latest impediment and make choices that are best for you.

[LoveAll7]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I was sitting in my t office listening to me cry about having hit a bird with my car on my way to therapy. When it happened I had no feelings, than I started thinking about why I had no feelings about. I was sad for the bird but than moved right into what do you do mode. By the time I got into session I was withdrawn, quite, very sad. My t asked me about my mood and I eventually told her what happened all the time crying as if I was nine years old. Some of my other parts were listening. Some were unsympathetic and others were understanding. By the end of session I felt like I had no idea who I am. I used to know. But now I fall apart and float, and feel like I don't know me at all. It's a day later and I still feel very solomon. I almost wouldn't drive this morning because I was afraid. Now I am sitting here dreading the drive home. What I thought I knew about myself is crumbling and I don't know who will be left when it is all said and done. I don't want to go back to therapy. I want it to stop, I want my mind back. I want my focus back but at this point I feel almost too tired to do anything.

Hi Claritytoo,

I completely understand. I have been in therapy for 4 years and I thought for quite some time that it made me more weak than strong.. that I was more together when I hadn't gone for therapy. But I was wrong. I needed to look after myself completely, as a whole, without denying the parts of me that felt very very hurt, alone, abandoned, crushed, suffocated, silenced, disciplined, etc. etc... I was upset that I had to go through it all over again.. feel it again. It felt so unfair. Most sessions, when I cried a lot, or felt choked because I didn't cry because my T touched on some very painful things from my past, I would not be able to recognize myself later. I wanted to not ever go back and I felt angry at everyone. I would be afraid to drive too.

I hope you can see that crumbling is also just something that you are going through. It, in no way,defines you.

You are strong to be sharing this here. It's not easy to even tell someone how helpless and lost it feels. It takes courage to accept you are weak.

Maybe right now, you are not as strong as you wish you were. But that too, is sometimes social conditioning.. we are rewarded for showing a brave front despite whatever's going on inside.

I know you think that you will lose yourself. I was so sure that was going to happen to me. But it didn't. On bad days, there used to be very little that could cheer me up, or keep me afloat. For added fun, my family gave me a tough time. I didn't have friends who understood. They thought I was aloof and being selfish and blaming my family for things that happened too long ago. It made things worse.. because I was really in pain and alone in a crowd.

I decided to carry on somehow..Meeting new people and doing the things I wanted to do as a kid helped me. I realized I had denied myself many little things.. and when I started, it took a lot of my time and I made new friends and for some parts of the day, I felt free and slowly even happy to be myself.

So, just hang in there. There is hope yet. Just find some things you wanted to do and couldn't find time to, or felt shy about, or didn't have the money for. Then, try a few.

Sorry, if this is too preachy.. I just feel that if I could feel better, you can too.

If you don't want to do an activity/meet people, just hang in there. Know that you'll pull through.. even if it's a tiny, weak voice saying that right now. That helps.

[possum220]

Sessions that we have with our T can be so exhausting that it will take days for us to feel somewhere near 'normal'. So be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself.
Sometimes what we think is a trigger is just the tip of the ice berg. Sounds like you needed a big emotional release.

Take care of you.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by LoveAll7

Hi Claritytoo,

I completely understand. I have been in therapy for 4 years and I thought for quite some time that it made me more weak than strong.. that I was more together when I hadn't gone for therapy. But I was wrong. I needed to look after myself completely, as a whole, without denying the parts of me that felt very very hurt, alone, abandoned, crushed, suffocated, silenced, disciplined, etc. etc... I was upset that I had to go through it all over again.. feel it again. It felt so unfair. Most sessions, when I cried a lot, or felt choked because I didn't cry because my T touched on some very painful things from my past, I would not be able to recognize myself later. I wanted to not ever go back and I felt angry at everyone. I would be afraid to drive too.

I hope you can see that crumbling is also just something that you are going through. It, in no way,defines you.

You are strong to be sharing this here. It's not easy to even tell someone how helpless and lost it feels. It takes courage to accept you are weak.

Maybe right now, you are not as strong as you wish you were. But that too, is sometimes social conditioning.. we are rewarded for showing a brave front despite whatever's going on inside.

I know you think that you will lose yourself. I was so sure that was going to happen to me. But it didn't. On bad days, there used to be very little that could cheer me up, or keep me afloat. For added fun, my family gave me a tough time. I didn't have friends who understood. They thought I was aloof and being selfish and blaming my family for things that happened too long ago. It made things worse.. because I was really in pain and alone in a crowd.

I decided to carry on somehow..Meeting new people and doing the things I wanted to do as a kid helped me. I realized I had denied myself many little things.. and when I started, it took a lot of my time and I made new friends and for some parts of the day, I felt free and slowly even happy to be myself.

So, just hang in there. There is hope yet. Just find some things you wanted to do and couldn't find time to, or felt shy about, or didn't have the money for. Then, try a few.

Sorry, if this is too preachy.. I just feel that if I could feel better, you can too.

If you don't want to do an activity/meet people, just hang in there. Know that you'll pull through.. even if it's a tiny, weak voice saying that right now. That helps.

What you say is so true. I have been feeling that I have become indesivive and more emotional, both of which I view as weakness. This feeling of weakness start to make me think I am becoming defenseless. I have little ones who want to go to therapy because they see it as a way of being able to talk to someone. But some of my protecters see it as leaving us open to attack. The difficulty is in some way they are right. But so are the little ones. I recently went back to work part time and have to be a particular way. It made me feel strong and safer and grounded like I used to. But the part who works doesn't have the other stuff that makes us a whole. He is part of who I am but not all of us. I know therapy has helped us, and I now it would be unkind and unfair to ignore what the little ones need. I just feel exhausted. What you have said has been a great help and also helps me to understand that my struggle is not unique. That others have gone through the same thoughts and feelings. Thanks.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by possum220

Sessions that we have with our T can be so exhausting that it will take days for us to feel somewhere near 'normal'. So be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself.
Sometimes what we think is a trigger is just the tip of the ice berg. Sounds like you needed a big emotional release.

Take care of you.

I think you are right when you say it sounds like I need a big emotional release. Certain emotions don't come easy to me. And I find some scary. I am still trying. Thanks

[LoveAll7]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

What you say is so true. I have been feeling that I have become indesivive and more emotional, both of which I view as weakness. This feeling of weakness start to make me think I am becoming defenseless. I have little ones who want to go to therapy because they see it as a way of being able to talk to someone. But some of my protecters see it as leaving us open to attack. The difficulty is in some way they are right. But so are the little ones. I recently went back to work part time and have to be a particular way. It made me feel strong and safer and grounded like I used to. But the part who works doesn't have the other stuff that makes us a whole. He is part of who I am but not all of us. I know therapy has helped us, and I now it would be unkind and unfair to ignore what the little ones need. I just feel exhausted. What you have said has been a great help and also helps me to understand that my struggle is not unique. That others have gone through the same thoughts and feelings. Thanks.

Thank you Claritytoo, for sharing your struggle and challenges with me. It means a lot. You are very brave and you will emerge stronger than you can imagine.

Just sharing an idea I have for me. I have decided to devote some time to helping others on a daily basis. I will be joining an NGO this week.

This has been something I've been worried about for years. I always wanted to do it, since I was a kid. But I was scared I'd have a breakdown in front of someone who needed support and understanding. I said to myself I'd be a horrible volunteer. I thought what would be worse than to see someone who's supposed to have it together, someone you'd expect to be happy and sorted, cry like a baby for your pain or for theirs.

So I decided that I needed to sort all my problems before I'd be ready to help someone else. But only this year I realized, life will always be a beautiful mess. I guess it's like that for everyone.. people who go through unreasonable pain are more aware and feel more than the rest. Sometimes, we get so carried away feeling our own pain, we stop noticing the beauty and kindnesses showered on us by our own people or strangers on the street or online. I met AmandaLouise here a few days ago.. and she helped me. In her replies, she seemed upset and at first I thought she was rather rude. But she helped me. Probably a lot more than anyone here could have. With her time, patience and intent. I think that's all that people need on a hard day. Someone who takes time to listen and respond. Of course, her knowledge helped too.

She has inspired me even more to now start helping others. I might cry and think I'm a failure.. but I will be real and that can't be that bad. I will take baby steps and start with
an easy group of people.. take advice from my Therapist too about this. But i'm fuelled to do this.

Thank you again for telling me about you. Also, the scary emotions will lose their power.