[Lady Lindsey]

I am new here and I am sorry to start with a trigger post.. please know this is probably a significant trigger for many with dissociative disorders, so unless you are in a safe place mentally, please do not read. This Is going to be a fairly long post, so please forgive me.

Before I begin, let me tell you a little about myself. 15 years ago I started therapy for a car accident I was in... I saw a therapist who I didn't do a lot of research on and I wish I had. There is no doubt I dissociate and that I depersonalize, but he quickly dx'd me with DID and me being the pleasing person I was tried to accommodate... Long story short after 5 years of he**, I learned that I was seeing a therapist who was trying to write a book on DID and I happened to be his prime subject. He decided to move and wanted me to leave my family and move to Florida so he could continue to treat me... ummmm that was finally when I realized there was a problem.... I went to another therapist for about a year and just talked and talked and he listened and listened... end result.. I do not have DID, but I do Dissociate..... so with that being said, I stopped therapy .. now fast forward 10 years... to the present.. I was in a hunting accident and was shot in the head with a shotgun blast, I am so blessed and lucky to be alive, I have had three surgeries and have a minor TBI with some vision loss However I was fortunate to keep 99% of my cognitive function. The reason I tell you this is because it was the catalyst to get me back into therapy.... I have been seeing my new Therapist for a year and believe me I researched and researched, found someone who was in practice a long time, had excellent credentials and used evidence based practices and it has taken a year just to build my trust in her and for us just to start really doing some work...... ok now that that long ramble is over and I have given you a little bit of history.....

let me tell you about my voices... they are not personalities, they are just voices in my head. They are all male, one is the main voice he is almost like a narrator, every time I zone out, or just need a break, he is quick to keep everything together until I come back and then quickly fill in the blanks so I can keep going without missing a beat... he has been with me as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl. I have two other voices that started when I was 10 one hangs out on the right side of my head the other on the left... they play good guy, bad guy... one is always saying how worthless I am and the other is always defending me and motivating me to prove the other wrong.

Ok... so I know that sounds crazy, but this has been my life and my normal for many many years and they have helped me through awful times and they bring me comfort......... So here is where the Trigger begins...

My voices are gone! OMG I don't know what to do! They have been gone for about a month, I keep thinking the will come back, but they won't. I feel so lost without them. I hate being present all the time, I hate not being able to take a break or escape for a little while and not remember what happened... I just want them back so bad it hurts!

About a week after they disappeared, I had a dream.. or maybe it wasnt', I don't know but my main voice came back and told me it was time for them to leave.. as they had been created to help me deal with things that had happened until I was strong enough to deal with them on my own... and even though I don't feel strong enough, he said I am and that my current therapist is helping me and that I am on the right path to heal and even though I don't hear them any longer they will always be with me to give me strength...

Well, that sounds all nice and wonderful... but it really is awful, I feel like I have lost my best friends, it is awful! I feel empty inside and lost... I am even thinking of stopping therapy, hoping that this will bring them back... I am so lost without them... I don't know how to cope without them.. they have been with me so long! I miss them so much!

Has anyone else experienced a loss like this? If so how did you cope? Does it get better? Is it worth it? I swear all I have ever wanted to be is normal, but if this is normal... it really sucks!

[Claritytoo]

I am sorry you are so afraid. Have you told this to your therapist?

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I am sorry you are so afraid. Have you told this to your therapist?

Yes, and she actually thinks this is a good thing and thinks it indicates progress and that we are finally working towards a solution... she really doesn't seem to understand how lost I am....

She is sympathetic, but she states it is my system, and if my system is telling me that it is time to work, then that is what we need to do.... that scares me even that much more

[lozza89]

How lost and scared you must be feeling right now

therapy (as my therapist keeps telling me) is meant to be hard and scary, I guess through working through things and making progress we begin to really learn who it is we are and how strong and capable we are at life!

sorry I know this post isn't helpful but I am thinking of you.

[amandalouise]

Lady lindsey I know how scary and strange it is to have voices of all kinds to not be there any more, and how scary change is once its happened. I also know right now it probably doesnt feel like this change is positive and good like treatment providers say.

I have had and still have many different kinds of voices. my diagnosis's are many and with them came/come the symptom of voices, imaginary friends, ego states, alternate personalities, inner child theory type voices/beings/feelings/ psychosis induced hallucinatory type alters/ delusional .....gosh there are just so many different types of having voices and others inside a person.

Depending upon where they stemmed from and what type of voices/alters/ beings these are/were inside me various treatments made them integrate (DID type alters) or go away (all others except the inner child theory type, the inner child theory type doesnt go away nor integrate because this kind of insiders are more feeling like you did when you were a child situations that every one normally goes through. kind of like being very excited or scared about something happening today that makes you think of or feel like your first day of kindergarten type of situation)

my point is change is very scary for some people no matter where their voices and internal insiders come from...stress, anxiety, psychosis, dissociation, what ever. a person gets used to being one way and then suddenly that way of life is yanked out from under them somehow.

How I coped with going through these changes varied depending upon which of my problems were creating these "insiders" voices ...

example when the alter rainy integrated I missed hearing the crying in my head, it was my normal and I was used to it. but then I realized she wasnt gone. she was just joined with me. now instead of my switching into rainy and rainy crying when I was sad, I could now do that on my own. one day I found myself wiping away tears and it felt good to hold Rainys stuffed dog, have my wife hold me, knowing I was being held, all the characteristics that was rainy was now me.

thats what the dissociative type voices, feelings, alters do they dont go away. they just change into being together as one. you gain gain what was them. my therapist told me one day to take action when I miss those voices/alters...sit down and think about what caused me to think and miss these voices/alters at this present moment and what I need to do now...

example one day I was at work and I suddenly missed one of my voices, when I did what my therapist told me to do I realized I had been looking at my desk and thinking about a particularly stressful situation where before integration I would have been triggered into dissociating and this particular voice/alter would be active. So I calmly reminded myself that this voice was a dissociative type so its not gone, everything that was this voice is now part of me. what does that voice have to say right now if it was not merged with me.... then it came to me that voice would have said if you clean your desk you will be able to find what you are looking for and with that other case well they can just sit and wait for me to get to them. one step at a time. I smiled and said a silent thanks for being one with me now, you are making my job easier today.

after that any time I missed or thought of my dissociative type voices or alters thats all I had to do. sit quietly, figure out what triggered me into wanting/missing that voice and then take action.

[Lady Lindsey]

Thank you all for making me feel welcome and your kind words.

AmandaLouise, Thank you for your insightful words...... they are helpful. I still don't like how I feel, but knowing that someone else has gone through similar and found a way to make it work has given me some comfort.

Thank you all for making me feel welcome