Input Please

Hi, so my name is Rose and I'm freaking out right now. Well, I keep alternating between freaked and numb. List of things:

1) I can't remember things I've done that I really should remember. (e.g. going on a all-day date with my boyfriend to a theme park and getting over a fear of a certain roller-coaster).

2) Sometimes, out of nowhere, I get really violent, angry, manipulative, and sadistic. I feel totally out-of-body like I can't control myself. This has been going on for a few years now, and my bipolar medication really helps it (lamotrigene) but doesn't totally eliminate it.

3) Often, I find myself viewing my life as in a dream. Everything is very distant. I act in ways I normally wouldn't and say things differently, but with absolutely no control over it. It is rare that when this is happening I'm able to communicate it to the people around me for quite some time. This has happened for as long as I can remember.

4) I lose track of time often. This is more recent, and has gotten increasingly frequent. I usually will realize 20 minutes has passed, sometimes hours, rarely a whole day. I have had a few friendships destroyed over the fact I will often vanish mid-important conversation for hours at a time, with no recollection of actually leaving it at all.

5) For the past week, it appears I've suddenly developed very obvious alters. I don't know why they're all of a sudden here, which is why I question they're legitimacy. I don't remember much of their fronting, but my boyfriend does. He says it's a crazy difference, and I personally do not remember much of what he says. At night, the past three nights in a row, I've apparently started referring to myself as "Anna" or "Annabelle" and insisting I'm six. I said I can talk to "Rose" in my (her?) head, and behaved entirely like a 6 year old. I do not really remember these periods of time, though I do have some very fuzzy memories of brief glimpses of that time. Thankfully, my boyfriend rolled with it and took care of her/me. There's more like her, but I'm scared to say too much here for fear of being told I'm acting or making it up... It's what one of the voices in my head says. He's always saying I'm making it up, and trying to convince me of it. My boyfriend says it's too realistic for me to fake, and he's known me for almost three years now.

6) I keep finding self-harm like things on my body that I do not remember making.

7) People I've never met will say hi, call me by a different name, and act like we've talked before! One person even thought I was Deaf! I do speak ASL, but I've never claimed to be Deaf before...

I've been terrified to say anything, and researching it like crazy. I'm 16, and I have no child-hood trauma (severe) I can remember. Sure, minor stuff, but nothing really major.

Please, any advice? I really need people to help me straighten this all out, it's so confusing. Yes, I know I should speak to my therapist, but she's on indefinite medical leave, and I don't really like the replacement. Plus, as a minor, could they tell my parents about this? (I'm in CA)

THANK YOU FOR READING.

what you describe can be anything from normal to the abnormal, from medical /physical to mental, I see in your signature you listed many mental and physical health issues all of which these symptoms could be originating from... my suggestion if this continues to bother you contact a treatment provider who can evaluate all aspects of your medical, mental and physical health issues, once they do that they can tell you how to go about fixing the problem...

since you are a minor depending upon your location and your locations laws/rules your parents may need to know what is going on before you can get any evaluating/treatment for these problems.

What I can tell you having alters suddenly appear kind of rules out DID if you were here where I live and work. you see here where I live and work the kind of alters that are part of dissociative disorders are the kind of alters that are there taking control, since very early childhood ie younger than 5 yrs old (according to the demographics/documentations here in my state where I live and work)

there are many different mental disorders, medications and physical health problems that cause a person to have the same type of problems you have.. for example when an alter suddenly came into being with me one day my treatment providers called it a psychosis induced alter due to my having bipolar disorder and the types of meds I was on. once my meds were adjusted that alter was no more.

Have you had anything stressful or traumatic happen lately? Sometimes with trauma and dissociation you can have times where it feels like nothing is wrong, and then be triggered into things again by a stressful time. I didn't remember any trauma from my childhood, until I had a niece turn the age I was when I'd been abused, and within six months learned about many parts, as I'd begun switching so often as a result of the reminder. I'd been diagnosed with a lot of different mental health issues (wrongly, in my case) to explain away behaviour that were a result of the trauma I'd experienced and pushed down.

You don't sound crazy at all, just like you're going through a tough time. It sounds like you've got a really supportive boyfriend, which is great.

If you can remember what big events were happening when you started noticing the major changes, and which conversation topics, places, situations, etc. Are happening when you switch (your bf may be better at that part, if you trust him to help you) it could help you figure out how to manage things, and would really help when explaining it to a professional to get help for it. The more details and consistencies you and your friends/family can come up with, the easier it will be to work through it.

Are there any adults in your life you can trust with this information? It's a lot for just you and your bf to be dealing with. A favourite teacher, guidance counselor or guardian perhaps? Good luck with things!!

Thank you, both of you. After talking to both my psychologist and psychiatrist we've agreed that it's probably psychosis with my bipolar disorder! My behavior since I've posted this has been a quick sling into mania, and I've my fingers crossed that's "all" this is! Thank you so much for your support <3