Dissociation Confusion

x with severe ptsd w/dissociative symptoms due to a complex trauma history dating back to childhood.

I know I started dissociating when I was young. Only in the last for couple of years awareness of how bad it was. As long as I feel safe I am present. Working with a trauma counselor who specializes in dissociation and ptsd, to stabilize my dissociation. I think I tend to dissociate when I am scared and/or stressed.

Dissociative symptoms:
-Drifting inwards blackness, could hear but everyone seems far away. I can looking downs at my hands but nothing else.
-Vision blurry, hearing (sometimes goes mute)
-Losing some time (one that scared me the most having a conversation and signing a consent form with no memory of it)
-Do not hear voices but feel a pull in my head. Like I want to go left but the other part wants to go right.
-Dissociate on the phone. It like like static on the line. I can barely hear the person. My perception is off. I think I am saying something but it turns out they did not hear me.
-Go slightly inwards vision blurry, I clearly hear myself say something and the person does not hear anything.
-One time talking to my counselor she said my voice changed to about an 18 year old when talking about something. I was aware and I was talking just my voice changed. I did feel disconnected.

The blackness and also losing time is very terrifying and confusing for me that when the emotional flashbacks hits really bad. It throws me through a major loop depending how bad the episode was how long it lasts. Sometimes reaction last longer when people react back to me instead of grounding me to the present. I can send out emails, txt or phone calls. I call send out so many and leave messages saying the same thing over and over again it is like a very long narrative. It comes across like I am angry at the person, when I am actually scared and confused. They have the visual pieces and what happened I am missing.

Found emails that I go oh my goodness I don't remember sending and it was really nasty very long novel type email. It is like a part of me has high expectation of the person why didn't they notice this or that, how come they didn't notice. Like writing a a step by step script of what occurred. I send the same thing over and over, it seems like when a new piece to the puzzle I send out another one. I am not like that.

It scares me that I take it out on people who care about me. People take it wrong, I am told get over it it is in the past (another traumatic experience that happened 2 years ago, traumatic because I went into blackness with a slight possibility of losing a little time), that all I do is say negative stuff, etc. It can borderline on harassment. Lot of talking inwards to reassure that I am safe. That I would never know what really happened and people would not tell me what I looked like or sounded like dissociated.

The dissociative episodes can happen even with people that are safe, but I still react that it is unsafe. Something they do unintentionally trigger me. I have had experience where i am fine a person walks in I either go blurry or darkness. The blurry and mute it is like my mind censoring something. It can be a brief moment. It got to the point I have to digital voice record doctor appointment, some doctors are ok once I explain. Since I want to make sure I accurately hear what they are saying and can go back an listen to make sure my perspective is accurate. For surgery I created a safety plan that the doctor receives and a copy goes to the surgery center or hospital. As long as I feel safe I can be grounded. It gives a list of what my triggers are and what to do to help me stay grounded. I did get compliments on it. I do debriefing with the doctor at my first post-op appointment, we both learn something and better ways to improve.

im glad you got a therapist who specialized in trama and dissociative disorders. I spent three years in therapy and didn't get anywhere before finally getting a trauma t who diagnosed me with DID and now finally I am getting somewhere in therapy. hope things go well for you. take care.

Glad to hear you have good, professional help.

Sounds like you may be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. And the words "get over it" never cured PTSD, trauma or any mental health condition.