[ThisWayOut]

What does it feel like when things start to connect? What's it like to feel everything other parts feel? Does the feeling of terror go away? Does it help recognizing it as a concentrated feeling held by one part, concentrated and amplified because you don't feel it often (if ever)? What if it's not yet safe to connect everything? Does the fact that is starting to connect mean is safer than you think? ...does it stop on its own if it's not time? Or once it starts, is that it?
There was some connection today, and I felt her terror. I don't want to feel that again, not right now. I don't want to remember right now...

[ThisWayOut]

Don't know what to do with this. The terror gave way to just sadness. Snippets of memories here and there. Not sure what to do with it. Not sure how to bottle it all back up again.

[Claritytoo]

I think your system believes that your are strong enough to work through the feelings. The terror becoming sadness is healthy. Feel your emotions, and you will free yourself of the trauma. I wish you well.

[Kiya]

I guess I can say that sharing the info among the parts is like sharing a burden with friends - it gets a little lighter and easier to carry. Secrets and shame bog us down. but as we let it out, the shame starts to go away some and that helps a lot. the secret is out and that is a huge relief. it frees up more energy to spend time doing other things.
Easy? no. important? yes.
good questions.

[ThisWayOut]

Haunted by this. Can't place it or make sense of it, but it won't leave me. Connected to the above

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Haunted by this. Can't place it or make sense of it, but it won't leave me. Connected to the above

I know its confusing and a bit scary to find art/crafts work around that you may not remember. Many of my alters were artistic too. what helped me to understand their creative expressions is knowing that its a normal thing for people to use art as a form of expressing their thoughts, things they have gone through, their dreams even just messing around... for example if I had found what you posted for me it could mean many things like... maybe an alter felt tired or felt that I the host was tired and needed sleep. or that they had read a book where the character in the book was a child in pink pajama's, or it could mean they drew a picture of their doll in pink pajama's, the picture you posted is well designed , well beyond the capabilities of a child below the age of a preteen (children dont learn proportion /uniform drawing of the body parts where the head size, neck size shoulder size, arm size, leg size, position sizing, shading..... before jr high.) so if this was something I had found around my home I would have said wow thats a great job some 15 yr old on through adult did. then I would have searched around my home looking at movies, books, tv shows, photos of me as a child,...to see if there was something this artwork was based off of or was it just something I had made up using my creative imagination...or was it a school assignment that I had forgotten about (as an adult my family would know that information, moms and relatives are notorious for saving artwork from their children and then later handing it over to the one who made it, I have artwork around my home that I made in each year of my school and church years that my family members have saved for me through the years.)....it could even mean I bought it somewhere at some bazaar, fair, thrift shop or what ever because at the time I had liked it...

my point is that if this was found in my home it could represent any number of possibilities related or not related to my mental disorders so I would just look at it as a piece of creative artwork, until the memory of who and who helped that artwork to come into being was more clear. for me it wouldnt be anything to work myself up into major worry, panic, anxiety.

my suggestion if this continues to bother you share it with your treatment providers or ask others around you if they know where it came from, someone a teacher, friend, family therapist is bound to know where that beautiful piece of art came from.

As for your first post what does it feel like to connect/integrate/become co conscious which ever term you are most comfortable with...for me it felt interesting suddenly I just knew things I hadnt known before, was able to do things I hadnt been able to do before, remembered things I hadnt remembered before. and after living a whole life time as a person with alters and to suddenly the silence was a welcome relief. and it was a bit scary because I could no longer depend on spacing out and becoming aware to find the problem had been resolved. now if I space out the become aware what ever problem caused me to dissociate still isnt solved because theres no alters to take care of that problem for me now, since I am integrated I now have all the knowledge/memories and have the ability to solve my own problems and just like normal people do I have to do that. its gets a bit frustrating and sometimes I do miss having that ability to dissociate and become aware after the problem was solved but over all I love being integrated. I am so much more stable, happy and have the combined abilities of all that my alters were.

[ThisWayOut]

Sorry, I think I didn't explain the picture correctly... I did the picture. It's the memory the picture is based off of that I don't have full understanding of... it's the flash of memory I had when I connected with the terror.
I don't have alters, just very compartmentalized awareness. There's only one aspect of myself I have no connection with in terms of understanding or emotion, and that's the really little kid memories. The few times I have had any retained awareness after connecting to them, I retained the terror (and that's only beem about a handful of times my entire life). The kid memories are held by the only aspect of me with a name and individual "identity", and I'm guessing she only had all that because connecting to what she holds is SO scary. That's the only part of me I totally dissociate from with zero memory of what happens when I connect to it... except for one memory, and now this snapshot of a memory...

Thank you for your description of what it was like to integrate. While I don't have the alters, the experience of dissociating and coming back to the problem not being solved is something I relate to. Things used to be fixed, but I wouldn't have a memory of how it happened. Now I ground and the problem is still there. It's frustrating, like you mentioned. Also, the prospect of remembering everything and knowing everything at once is a scary one. So far it had proved overwhelming and I have not gotten there totally yet (again, not in terms of alters, but in terms of not having everything so well walled-off all the time).
While it's not totally the same, I wonder if there are similarities... how did you get over the fear of knowing everything at once? I'm scared it would be too much, and I would break... (so far that has been my experience with it anyway).

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Sorry, I think I didn't explain the picture correctly... I did the picture. It's the memory the picture is based off of that I don't have full understanding of... it's the flash of memory I had when I connected with the terror.
I don't have alters, just very compartmentalized awareness. There's only one aspect of myself I have no connection with in terms of understanding or emotion, and that's the really little kid memories. The few times I have had any retained awareness after connecting to them, I retained the terror (and that's only beem about a handful of times my entire life). The kid memories are held by the only aspect of me with a name and individual "identity", and I'm guessing she only had all that because connecting to what she holds is SO scary. That's the only part of me I totally dissociate from with zero memory of what happens when I connect to it... except for one memory, and now this snapshot of a memory...

Thank you for your description of what it was like to integrate. While I don't have the alters, the experience of dissociating and coming back to the problem not being solved is something I relate to. Things used to be fixed, but I wouldn't have a memory of how it happened. Now I ground and the problem is still there. It's frustrating, like you mentioned. Also, the prospect of remembering everything and knowing everything at once is a scary one. So far it had proved overwhelming and I have not gotten there totally yet (again, not in terms of alters, but in terms of not having everything so well walled-off all the time).
While it's not totally the same, I wonder if there are similarities... how did you get over the fear of knowing everything at once? I'm scared it would be too much, and I would break... (so far that has been my experience with it anyway).

for me it wasnt a situation of knowing everything all at once. as I became stronger and able to do what each of the alters did, for myself that alter would just be part of me one with me. it was a natural process with me. lets see, how to explain it...ok you know how you can be with a friend and something they say to you will remind you of something else and you say to them... that reminds me of..... well its like that. Ill be doing something and stop and realize I can remember doing something similar before when before I was integrated that wasnt possible because it was an alter that had done it and held that memory....

example today I was reading a book that I thought I had never read before but then this one paragraph reminded me of when and where I had read it before...at a time and place before my alters had been integrated. I have never been able to make a good pie crust but now that my alters are all integrated I have the memory of how to make a good pie crust.

it works the same way with the not so positive memories too. human being naturally think in terms of good and bad things. ask a three year old what was the good thing that day and they can tell you, ask them what the bad thing was that day they can tell you that too...its just the normal way the human brain works.. sometimes my wife and I will be having an enjoyable intimate moment and a negative memory will enter my mind. that memory may have something to do with when I was a child that an alter had held for me before they were integrated with me but now that memory is part of me. I do what any other human being would do. I tell my wife we need to stop, then tell her what I am remembering. I have many different ways that work for me when I am remembering the good and bad times from my childhood...sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I row my canoe around the lake, other times I talk with my treatment providers, my wife or a friend, sometimes I get creative with my art work.....

the human brain is an amazing thing and the one thing we know about dissociation is that a person who dissociates wont remember anything they are not equipped to handle. the reason why a person dissociates is because they are feeling/experiencing something that they are not able to handle...

thats not saying its not going to be hard because even normal people remember things that are painful/hard for them to remember, thats life you take the good with the bad a famous comedian (robin williams) once said in an interview how do you know when something is good...when you have also had bad times, you cant know good if you dont have bad/down times.

just take it once step at a time and continue working with your treatment providers they will be able to help you discover all the things that will work to get you through the bad times so that you can enjoy the good memories too.

Another thing that helps me through new memories is understanding memories are not always literal. sometimes it isnt about what happened in the memory, but rather the emotion. example one of my memories after being integrated was being weightless flying and falling, there was a bit more but the point is what went on in that memory didnt actually happen it was a conjured memory based instead on my emotions of feeling happy then crashing, over stressed and out of my control.

if you are receiving memories then your brain feels you are ready to handle it. so talk with your treatment providers they will be able to help you develop plans/lists and things to do when you get these flashes of memories.