[seesaw]

So I'm not sure I belong here. I think I have depersonalization disorder.

I've had the other Seesaw take over enough times now (although I'm aware of what she's doing, just have no control).

I do have PTSD. I see a therapist and just got a new pdoc. I'm also diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder with mild agoraphobia.

The way my T describes it my personality is fractured, although not to the point of having alters, the pieces just don't function together. So depending on which part of my personality is strongest at any given time or is deciding it's taking over, that's who I come off as. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's overly aggressive, or overly emotional, or completely weak with no confidence, or bursting with confidence. The "real" me is always aware of what's going on, but it doesn't feel like I have any control. I guess out goal in therapy has been to pull all these parts of my personality together.

However, "bad" Seesaw had been getting stronger and stronger. Before, I didn't blackout, I just slipped into a dissociative state. Today I blacked out, and ended up crashing on my bike. There was kind of a change over. I got home, came upstairs and SI'd really bad. Then "bad" Seesaw got me to Urgent Care and made some story up about falling on the bike (which did happen).

I can even hear her in my head right now, saying things like "I take care of us, so shut up."

A lot of the time her words are very weak and she can't take control; like the other parts of my personality are able to restrain her. I haven't figured out the trigger that allows her to gain full physical power though. Again this isn't DID. It's all me, it just helps me to refer to these different parts of my personality so I can understand what's happening to me.

Does anyone else experience this?

I feel so alone and I don't understand what's happening to me. I haven't really told my doctors about the full extent of this. I have another pdoc appointment in two weeks, and I'm thinking about telling him the truth.

[Claritytoo]

I think you might want to show him a copy of your post. I think you described very well how your different parts are interacting.

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by seesaw

So I'm not sure I belong here. I think I have depersonalization disorder.

I've had the other Seesaw take over enough times now (although I'm aware of what she's doing, just have no control).

I do have PTSD. I see a therapist and just got a new pdoc. I'm also diagnosed with major depressive disorder and panic disorder with mild agoraphobia.

The way my T describes it my personality is fractured, although not to the point of having alters, the pieces just don't function together. So depending on which part of my personality is strongest at any given time or is deciding it's taking over, that's who I come off as. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's overly aggressive, or overly emotional, or completely weak with no confidence, or bursting with confidence. The "real" me is always aware of what's going on, but it doesn't feel like I have any control. I guess out goal in therapy has been to pull all these parts of my personality together.

However, "bad" Seesaw had been getting stronger and stronger. Before, I didn't blackout, I just slipped into a dissociative state. Today I blacked out, and ended up crashing on my bike. There was kind of a change over. I got home, came upstairs and SI'd really bad. Then "bad" Seesaw got me to Urgent Care and made some story up about falling on the bike (which did happen).

I can even hear her in my head right now, saying things like "I take care of us, so shut up."

A lot of the time her words are very weak and she can't take control; like the other parts of my personality are able to restrain her. I haven't figured out the trigger that allows her to gain full physical power though. Again this isn't DID. It's all me, it just helps me to refer to these different parts of my personality so I can understand what's happening to me.

Does anyone else experience this?

I feel so alone and I don't understand what's happening to me. I haven't really told my doctors about the full extent of this. I have another pdoc appointment in two weeks, and I'm thinking about telling him the truth.

Two weeks is kind of far away. How often do you see your therapist? Are you able to get in touch with them when something new and scary comes up?

I have different parts of me too. I'm pretty aware of what the different parts are doing. There have been times though when it felt like there was a different person in my head and I would get scared because it seemed to be very angry with me. Once it felt like there was a struggle and one of the parts was trying to take over. To take over from me! All of this would happen when i didn't feel safe or when I was sharing csa stuff before I was ready I guess.

Anyhow, I wasn't really sharing what it was like in my head with my therapist because I kept telling myself I was making the whole thing up. It was a tremendous relief when I did and one time he recommended a med change which helped. I don't black out but sometimes it feels like I'm watching a movie of reality that's skipping or that has a few frames missing here and there. The more stressed I am, the more it seems to happen. I haven't shared this with anyone. Again I try to tell myself I'm just imagining things. I think I'm going to share this with my pdoc and therapist. it's always gone better when I shared when I felt scared about what was going on in my head.

I think you need to talk to someone. It's way too scary to try to deal with this on your own. It's really helped me when I had someone strong to deal with the strong angry part of me when I felt scared. Now that part trusts that I really am taking care of things and that I'm paying attention to all the different parts, especially when they're saying they don't feel safe.

I don't know about you, but I SIed when I felt like I was getting disconnected from reality. When I started to feel numb and thinking got hard. When I things started to feel too strange.

If you're SIing enough to need attention at urgent care then, if you're like me, it might mean you're having a hard time thinking clearly, and that's when I have to trust that other people will think for me and judge for me what I might need. Do you have people you trust to help you take care of yourself?

Take good care of yourself. Do you need to hide in a blanket cave in front of the TV? Hug your stuffed animal? Talk to someone? Drink some warm milk? That's how the angry part started to trust me. I started taking responsibility as best as I could to stay safe. (She was surprisingly patient with my having to learn how to do that.)

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing.

[seesaw]

Thank you both so much for responding. I called my pdoc and I'm going to share everything with him. I can't see my therapist again until my Medicaid funding comes through, which will hopefully be just in a few weeks. I hope I will at least get to speak with my pdoc on Monday.

I don't know if this sounds weird, but I talked (I guess in my head) to the other Seesaw tonight. I asked her why she was trying to harm me. She said she was mad at me. I asked her why...we had a whole conversation. I sort of feel a little better now. Like I at least have a connection with this part of me that is so angry.

Then, at the same time...I wonder if I'm going crazy and hearing voices. I really don't know what to think.

I'm just hoping to make it through Sunday without losing my sanity so I can talk to my pdoc on the phone on Monday.

Thank you both for responding.

Seesaw

[Just keep swimming]

I was fortunate that my first therapist actually used to suggest that I talk to the different parts. There was a part that kept bothering me and I imagined sitting down and having a conversation with him and after I listened to what he had to say he never bothered me anymore.

I know these are parts of me, but I can really have conversations with the different parts. I wasn't too sure about them at first, but now we kind of all get along. There's even a model in marriage and family therapy that deals with having all the different parts getting along and the "self" of the person being the leader of the parts. Its called Internal Family Systems (by Richard Schwartz maybe?).

Anyhow, my trauma therapist often has me check to see what's going on with the different parts and to listen to the different parts. Actually, that's when things started getting much better for me, when I started to take them seriously.

So I figure if there is a whole book and a recognized model that deals with this stuff then I can't be too crazy. I used to call all the parts "my committee". I consider them a resource, there's a couple of internal therapists on my committee, so I always feel like I have someone to help around. I used to refer to them as "they" and then one day in therapy, I noticed that I was saying "we". The angry part doesn't scare me anymore.

So I'm really impressed that you thought to find out what was up with the other Seesaw! It sounds like having the conversation helped.

[Just keep swimming]

Seesaw,

How's it going? Have you gotten a chance to talk to talk with anyone. Are the different parts of you being kinder to you and each other? Does the little one feel scared or OK or safe? I know that sometimes things could get really scary for me and I was wondering how things were for you.

[Fuzzybear]