Once again, poss RA pops up again

Ritual abuse, and/or mind control. It's been plaguing me for 32 years. The images. The fear. The endless cycles of what feel like out of my control programs of certain alters' need to harm.
I just learned some info that may have put another piece of that puzzle together. I know it is a dangerous topic and one that is often not looked at. I know there are not likely to be any absolutes. I have some leads on books to read, and blogs and therapist's pages to research.
I also found that moving too quickly (and/or without a solid support system), it can land one in Psych. Like last night.
But I feel the need (compulsion?) to talk about it... to connect with others who might understand about it.
Like poking around a ...a.... oh I don't know. puddle that suddenly turns into a sink hole.
One of the things listed on my Dx on discharge this morning was "Disorganized Thoughts". That's a new one for me. I was trying to be as clear as I could be, but sometimes the mouth just wouldn't work... or it would combine two words together and I'd have to start over. Or the dizziness would take over and I'd have to shake it off like a bunch of flies to get some clear thoughts to try and communicate.
I keep spelling backwards in here.
I keep dripping things!
I think I've gone down the rabbit hole.

i completely understand the urge to go full force into research when a puzzle piece is found. i too have found myself nearly hospitalized if not for a t and pdoc who knew how much i feared that and agreed to let me stay home with daily checkins. Please take it slow and take care of yourself.

if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM us-we have much much much experience with this topic and know the feeling of nobody believing us♥♥♥

I understand.
Some of these articles might be helpful, I hope.
Ritual Abuse | Discussing Dissociation

Ritual abuse is a hard one. one that sometimes frustrates people here where I live and work. mainly because when people think about that term they think about satanic religion rituals.

it is so hard sometimes on some people now because here in the USA treatment providers can not focus on a person having DID because of religious rituals/practices.

the way the new standards are worded in the DSM 5 is that any ritualistic abuse associated with things like religion or cultural practices. it can be treated but it must not be the focus point for diagnostics.

i still have problems with some of the abuses I went through that were of a repetative/ritualistic nature. how my treatment providers and I deal with it is the same way in which you deal with any other PTSD/trauma related problems..we talk about what happened and we find ways to help me get through the anxiety/fear /nightmares/....just like we do with any other abuse and trauma I went through.

maybe you can talk with your treatment providers, they can help you get through the hard stuff that may not be able to be discussed on here because of controvery and you mentioned.

a thought on the disorganized thoughts and spelling backwards. here in america this is a recognized problem. its called dyslexia. there is help for it. it entails special reading writing classes. I understand this way of life may have been part of your programming but it can still be treated and the treatment is the same as dyslexia. Ive been through it and it works.

Thanks- I'm sorry you all also understand. The price of knowing.

I am learning a lot tonight in RA/SRA/Mind Control | Rocking Complacency
Kathy Broady often reblogs from here as well. I could stay up all night researching. This has provided me with a lot of "aha's" and "oh so THAT'S why that happened internally".
But I don't have a therapist.... hmmmm....
If anyone checks the link out, do so with caution and safety. There is a lot of good stuff here, but safety first.

I find myself going in between "yes this happened, I can actually remember" and "no way - so not possible" because the realization is so new.
Well, it is and it isn't. I've long expected it, at least the MC part. But -like my abuse memories- suspecting and gaining back full knowledge are two different things. Right in there with "I thought I'd want to know... now that I DO know... I wish I didn't."
I've had to change my kitchen around to help me out - I learned about - well, let me put in a trigger warning first, so I don't hurt others.
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OK. So I learned about spin cycles and WOW that explains what is going on now. I've had these spinning sensations come up once in a great while over the last decade or more; like the very top of my head was a top or a combination lock and someone spun it. It would really weird me out. These last few months it is constant. between 4-9 times a day. It is awful.
When I read about screen memories, I finally understood that what I KNEW to be real and not the "dreams" my mom said they were I was no longer afraid of them. That was a relief. But what are they screening? :/ That put me in psych ER on the night of the 25th, so almost a week ago. It shook up the system and the one whose program is tethered to that was like and I asked her if she felt safe (NO!) and did we need to go in to ER (YES!! QUICK!!) and she NEVER says yes. So I took us in right away.
But then I read (even after swearing I wouldn't because I have no therapeutic support) about the spin cycles and the mundane things that can be used. And it came flooding back. The mundane child's top that was used to create a hypnotic , dissociative state. So simple. And hear the cruel words being told to me as I was told to watch the top. This is why I had to change up my kitchen, so I am slightly safer than I was.... The top was blue. My dishes are blue. And washing them re-creates the spin cycle and puts me in trance. I've been phobic of my kitchen for some time now, but once I finally get around to washing the dishes, it puts me into a "relaxed state" that I was like, "Oh I find this meditative". Not so much. Now I understand. I went out and bought cheap SQUARE, glaring yellow dishes. 3 large for me; 3 small for the cat's food. I had hoped to get the other dishes out of my house, but when mom came over to check on me because I called her in a panic, those words and thoughts couldn't formulate. They are still here, in the dishwasher. I forget and get a utensil and wham goes my brain again.
Now I've been binging - stress eating over just how many dang circles there are in the kitchen!
Working on that one.
Saw the new therapist today-tried to talk around those things without telling her, but she kept asking questions and finally we had a swap out in to someone who wouldn't speak. Go figure. I'd gotten to close to the subject, knowing if things go down I wouldn't be able to get home. The therapist rather liked the idea of us going inpatient. I don't know what it right. Or up from down right now. I don't know if I am safe or can be. I don't know who's programs are now closer to the surface or if.... Like Alice falling through the Rabbit Hole.... I've landed in new territory and I don't yet know the rules.

And what is it about (possible trigger again) al*ens? It's come up for me, for my friend... my dad used to talk about them as if he was one.... and then my mom mentioned them last night and sent me reeling. What is that????? I don't understand. Do I even want to understand?

I am sorry you are going through so much. My t told me something that I have been doing (when I remember). There are times when I have overwhelming feelings of fear which sets off panic which causes more fear. My heart races, I can't focus, I will hide but sometimes that don't work. My t suggested that when I feel this way I should remind myself that I am in a safe place now. That the feelings of fear are from trauma in the past. The feelings are real just not necessary anymore because the abuse isn't happening anymore. I am safe in the present. This conscious effort to remind myself that the fear is from trauma in the past and that we are safe in the present has helped relieve some of the overwhelming feelings of fear. I ware a ring on my finger to remind me to use this technique because not all of us know it. So the ring reminds the ones who know it to do it. (if that makes sense) Maybe it could help you too. Take care.

does the word "monarch" bring anything up for you by any chance? *hugs*

No................