Nights are still a little rough from not drinking. The days feel too long. We've been sleeping heavy. Sometimes the chattering over rides the sleeping, but not for long. We never did like going to sleep, but when we do, it takes too long.

[Georgia Bridge]

Thanks, y'all.
I'm trying to get to know y'all by reading your posts and it is helping me feel much less alone.
Congratulations on the sobriety work, Always.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Me too Georgia

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Thank you Georgia, it feels like the right thing to do.

[Georgia Bridge]

Thanks again y'all.
I've been so paranoid of other people with MPD.
Reading this thread almost makes me cry.
I get real confused about y'alls experiences and other personalities.
And I am so sorry, Always.
I hope y'all are well today.
Most of us think this thread is the right place to be. .

We've made some new inner discoveries about drinking and meds. It's like I hope to feel that we are so done with it all, but it looks good. Sleep has settled down, now we're trying to get up at a decent hour instead of noon, like now it's 6:50 am.. I figure if I get up early enough, I'll be too tired to stay up to watch the late late show.

Progress, not perfection.

we're having lots of Halloween anxiety

everywhere we turn their's Halloween stuff... try turning on the radio, Halloween music. go on tv, Halloween movies, even going on the internet people are talking about it

we hate trick or treaters too who come up and bang on the door and it makes us scared.

well we had some panic attacks this week because we're scared of halloween

[Kiya]

...floating through dissociative fog... and also fatigue of being sick and unable to eat.... keep losing time and days.

[AlbertaBeefy]

Hi. Not much to say, not sure how I'm doing - just thought I'd say Hi.

[Georgia Bridge]

My mother's hands are the most frightening thing I know. I've known this for a while but I just remembered it today. I keep seeing them and what she did with them over and over again today.
There were many things later that would be much scarier to most folk, but by then I think i must have just numbed out those scary things.

[Claritytoo]

Having flashes of emotion for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do with it. I was just arranging to help a friend pick something up and I suddenly felt a surge of rage. Like a rush that frightens me. Once I feel the fear the feeling of rage pulls back. This has been happening a lot in the last six months. I haven't been to a therapist in a while so I don't acknowledge us as being a system. I am sort of functioning like I did before knowing I was DID. In the past if I had a sudden feeling of rage I would shrug it off. But now I know that feeling is a part that exists within a system of parts with feelings and thoughts. Like right now I am feeling angry discussing this where others could read it. I feel in some way I have lost some ground since not seeing a therapist but equally I realize I am more aware of us than before seeing a therapist.

[Willowtrees]

Had an interview for a job.. Failed the pre interview test (because of brain fog and chatter) even though it was objectively very simple. If I cant do something so simple.. I dont know.. I got an email about an interview for a janitor position and im not sure i should even reply. With nothing else to do, I cant even keep my own place clean, and I can hardly go outside.I hate living soley on SSI , but maybe this job thing right now is a fantasy ive taken too far. It makes me feel worthless that everyone else is going forward in life and I never even got started.

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[Gr3tta]

I am waiting on appeal for disability. I have recently decided to apply to some part time jobs and give it a try. I haven't worked in a year. Im not sure im ready yet, but i need to try for our finances. If its a disaster, i guess i can just quit. That would make me feel bad, but i am already thinking about skills to use both at work, and if i have to quit. .....If anyone will hire me...

[Patagonia]

I hate to say it but I think I need to go back to meds which just makes me feel even worse.
27yrs of meds & nothing worked & yet I'm thinking of it. Yeah it's that bad again.
I just can't stand how I feel anymore & the spiraling. Then the recovery time from the spiral. For like 3-4 nice days. It doesn't balance out.
I was born miserable, been miserable & pretty much resolved this is my ****** life!

Well I made it back out. We have an other that is so specific, overly confident and self assured that when he's up, we all get blocked out. He also doubts that all this is real to the point it's humorous to him because of that.

I really don't like talking about our system....it's too technical stuff. That's their job. I just want to squeeze and hug everyone!

Anyways, time to feed my puppies!

[Georgia Bridge]

Be Megan be bad again because be no understand.

[*Laurie*]

So scared. Hiding. The hiding helps.

[Patagonia]

Please don't let the negative, dark back in front! Stay present today. Have faith. Don't let ur mind wonder it you'll lose ur foothold & dark will triumph.

I'm feeling more confident about being myself while out. We had to pretend to be someone else and it got weird at times. Living that way is so tiring. I wish that I knew better years ago, things would be so different today.

We went clothes shopping at a warehouse thrift store. All clothes are like $2-$7! I was having a blast. People was looking, but hey screw them.

I bought 6 pairs short for $30.00! The other day I got 4 shorts and 5 shirts for $39.00! I love this place.!

[Patagonia]

Now what do I do? The dark has taken over & caused massive chaos, confusion & hurt a very important person in my life! I'm so tired of trying to fix everything. This darkness just rages out of control bec of fear of abandonment. I don't know how to soothe it. There is no simple answer. It enjoys hurting the people I love so that I stay lonely. Then no one can hurt me.
It's a great theory actually. Problem is no one sticks around to hear it.

Well, I get to begin this thing called a job search. Some of us need to learn how to do more than not much.

[Lady Lindsey]

Good luck always changing. I hope it goes well and you find a job you enjoy

I'm so tired of all this. Can't help but to hate our life. It's so not right and unfair.

Hating being me.

[Lady Lindsey]

Always Changing

I truly understand
Life having more than one self can be exhausting...hang in there!

For me it feels like a shuffle. One step forward two steps back 3 steps forward one step back!
The key is no matter how frustrating it gets or how exhausting it can be to have more than one self..as long as the move is forward ..no matter how slow....life gets slowly better. What caused us to split didnt happen once. It was half a lifetime of hurting and hiding from the hurt to survive! We found a way to survive the unthinkable. We are good at surviving ....I am so tired of just surviving. I want to live and enjoy what life I have left. Thats what keeps me moving forward. No matter how slow and no matter how many set backs. Just keep going!

I hope you find a job that you can enjoy or at least part of you can. It does bring a bit of order in my life. I have a job that I rarely remember being at but apparently am very good at...it gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps me going.

Thank you Lindsey, you are right...we had a bout of body depression yesterday. We were ill, also. We increased our AD a notch which it takes 8 hours to affect.

We all have different ways to cope. I like to just climb into my shell and hole up while others handle it their own way.

We are much better today. The younger ones can't handle these adverse moods too well.