[Luce]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

Awful day playing "dress up," it felt like. I spent the day at a professional conference. I'm supposed to be one of these said professionals; I do have my masters degree and a career. However, I've spent the last 15+ years totally crazy and dissociated and hardly remember school, nor did I get the chance to learn how interact with other adults, as I was away in my crazy world (I did distance education for grad school.) I feel like I've woken up in my thirties but my social age is that of a teenager. I fear I can't keep doing this job. I don't know how to relate to people. Even trying to get through a conference was hell. I wonder if my life will ever be real, or if I'll always be playing some role.

Hey, I know what you mean. Fake it til you make it, hunny.
I have a sneaking suspicion that quite a lot of people actually feel that way, an not just those of us with DID.

[Luce]

Today I read "Sometimes when everything is falling apart, everything is actually coming together."
I can relate to atm. Everything is falling apart, but at the same time I think it is all serving a greater good, and an intense journey of personal growth is taking place.
I am letting it all unfold and choose not to interfere with it.
Let's see where this takes us.

[cheshiregrins]

Originally Posted by Luce

Hey, I know what you mean. Fake it til you make it, hunny.
I have a sneaking suspicion that quite a lot of people actually feel that way, an not just those of us with DID.

I know, but people worry about real things, like about the actual job. I know I can do the job. I'm not actually afraid of work, per se. I'm afraid that I wont be able to hold myself together, pretending to be one person at work. It's a constant fear that the child part will pop up and I'll start crying at work and act inappropriately, or the angry teen will pop up and I'll act like the psycho ***** I can be and get fired/or just say something I seriously regret. That's actually what I fear, as opposed to work itself.

Today was another day of extreme anxiety. I can't tell if it's benzo w/d because I didn't take a clonazepam today, or if this is just how terrified I am at work when I'm not drugged. So then I binged when I got home, because that's constructive

[Luce]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

I'm afraid that I wont be able to hold myself together, pretending to be one person at work. It's a constant fear that the child part will pop up and I'll start crying at work and act inappropriately, or the angry teen will pop up and I'll act like the psycho ***** I can be and get fired/or just say something I seriously regret. That's actually what I fear, as opposed to work itself.

I know what you mean, and I understand that fear. That is exactly what happened to us at work on Friday. A young part was triggered out and apparently hid in a dark cupboard crying for over half an hour while other staff members hurried around trying to find us. That was all sorts of not cool, and garnered us attention I would really rather not have had.
Luckily I was able to get back in control and be perfectly 'normal' for the remainder of the afternoon, but the damage had already been done (seen). I would much, much, much rather I had been able to prevent that little incident from happening, but not everything seems to be within my management capabilities these days. I can only do the best I can do.

Still, I do believe many other people are battling with their own inner struggles that are beyond my experience and understanding. No, they won't be the same as my struggles, but they will be real struggles nonetheless.
We do not know what we do not know.

Its 4am and I've been awake for two hours, during which I have cried hysterically for no reason at all, and had a nosebleed I have to get up for work in an hour.

Enter: the Megagrump
Exit stage left: Sanity and Rationality.

[TrailRunner14]

Hope it's ok. I prayed for Gods peace to cover you and give you sweet rest.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[krazy_phoenix]

Hi Everyone, just letting you know that im still alive. I haveny been here for the longest time. Hope you are all well.
Take care all
kp xx

[lucidity11]

Went to see my therapist today. In the past weeks I have been moving and my very efficient ones were taking care of things. Today I didn't want to go to therapy. One of us kept saying our t makes us weak. Also we were a little undone by being not as efficient in our thinking. Our parts were alive and well where as during the move we stayed out of the way until the move was over. In some ways that causes us to think there is something wrong with us. But realistically we have always been like this only we didn't know we were parts. Any we told our t that some of us think she makes us weak. She asked us why do we think she makes us weak. And we didn't have an answer. We feel like we may be weak just before, during and just after therapy but we did have a reason as to why. Our t suggested it may be because we feel emotion and we may attribute emotion to being weak. Which we do. So I guess she doesn't cause us to be weak. It's our perception of feeling that causes us to believe we become weak. I am going to think more about this.

[TrailRunner14]

That feeling is one I know too. The feeling that showing any emotion is weakness.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lucidity11]

I don't feel real good after therapy. A lot of fear and anxiety. Not sure if it is because we are seen at session or because we said too much. Might also be some issues with money that has sparked anxiety. Don't know but it's pretty bad right now. I can't even go out to walk the dog. I can't make myself small enough or hide deep enough.

[lucidity11]

I think going to therapy reminded us we are DID. For the past week or so we were focused and not hardly thinking about us as a system. Now we are not as focused and it all comes flooding back. In the past I wouldn't know why I didn't want to leave the house so I would push through it. Now its too real and not something I can push aside. I took a pill for anxiety to help me but it hasn't kicked in. Everything is loud and fast. I just want to hide.

[lucidity11]

Ok so I hid under the covers for a little until the meds kicked in. I emptied the garbage, walked the dog and went to the store to buy a microwave and toaster. Got home set it all up, cleaned a little, ate and now I am sitting in my comfortable chair writing this. I don't want to go out again but now I don't have to. I do sometimes wonder if therapy makes it worse for us.

Originally Posted by lucidity11

Ok so I hid under the covers for a little until the meds kicked in. I emptied the garbage, walked the dog and went to the store to buy a microwave and toaster. Got home set it all up, cleaned a little, ate and now I am sitting in my comfortable chair writing this. I don't want to go out again but now I don't have to. I do sometimes wonder if therapy makes it worse for us.

Basically, for that reason, I can't afford to get worse.

I'm like normal drinking be ause life is intolerable regardless how many AA meetings I go to. Whatever.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm like normal drinking be ause life is intolerable regardless how many AA meetings I go to. Whatever.

I don't drink when I am not in one place. And I don't drink if I have to be making decisions. Some times I will have a beer or red wine with dinner but that is only if I feel present. I don't like how alcohol makes me feel when I am dissociating.

[lucidity11]

Went to session today. My t is listening more which is good for us because sometimes it is difficult to say what we are trying to say. We are going to work on trauma and helping the parts that are still in trauma time. I think if we can do that and relieve the feelings of fear, pain, anger and terror we might be able to find the one born. I know she is in there but has just decided to let us do the stuff that needs being done.

[lucidity11]

Also my t asked us if we have a safe place. We have one place where we feel safe but it's not available to us. I can't think of another place. Every place seems dangerous. I am going to have to give this a lot of thought. Maybe the underground fortes we used to dig and play in. They were safe. Dirty and damp but safe. Up at the top of a very tall white pine tree. I was always scared to death when climbing but once I was up there I could see the world and no one could get me. It was peaceful. I will have to give this more thought. Maybe the tree.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

Also my t asked us if we have a safe place. We have one place where we feel safe but it's not available to us. I can't think of another place. Every place seems dangerous. I am going to have to give this a lot of thought. Maybe the underground fortes we used to dig and play in. They were safe. Dirty and damp but safe. Up at the top of a very tall white pine tree. I was always scared to death when climbing but once I was up there I could see the world and no one could get me. It was peaceful. I will have to give this more thought. Maybe the tree.

Can you recreate those in your mind? Our safe place is a meadow in our mind. It is bordered by forest, has a huge rock in the center to sit and read on, and there are no spiders allowed. There's always warm sun, flowers, and butterflies. note the scent of the underground forts and feel the breeze way up in that tall tree!

[lucidity11]

You know my t has been asking me to create a safe place but I never could quit under stood how to do that. Maybe combining aspects of places I felt safe and creating a new safe place that everyone will like is the way to do that. Good idea. Thanks. I really want to have a safe place by monday my next session. I think my t understands that I am not being resistant to her suggestions, I just don't know where to start. This could work.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

You know my t has been asking me to create a safe place but I never could quit under stood how to do that. Maybe combining aspects of places I felt safe and creating a new safe place that everyone will like is the way to do that. Good idea. Thanks. I really want to have a safe place by monday my next session. I think my t understands that I am not being resistant to her suggestions, I just don't know where to start. This could work.

there are two different ways to create a safe place.

the first one is to pick a place in your home and place things that comfort and make you feel safe in that area. some people put a pillow on the floor in a spot that most in the household do not go near (bedroom, closet, corner, ) others arrange their furniture to mark of an area in any room and let others in the household know that area of the house has a purpose. some of the things placed in this area can be blankets, stuffed animals, or other favorite calming item, some people place candles, some writing supplies, ....my safe place in my home is in the back corner of my living room, marked off by a recliner facing away from the room. along the wall is a small kids cubbie stand with items in the cubbie baskets. besides using this area for my own use, my children are learning to go there when they are having a problem too. my oldest two have added to t he cubbie their favorite comfort blanket, stuffed animal and favorite calming music. one of my oldest has a pack of crayons, paper and a piece of furry fabric. for me I have relaxing music, my journal, and I have the wall painted in a framed seascape mural (gives the impression of looking out a window to the sea) my wife's items are her knitting, and a relaxing book.

the second way to make a safe place is mental. you find a quiet place, sit down, close your eyes and daydream\imagine a place that makes you feel safe. mine is sitting by a mountain stream where my wife, children and I went camping last summer. I remember how relaxing that trip made me feel, the things we did there. I remember \think about \daydream\imagine going there again to sit on the rock by the lake and how relaxing that was...

both of these ways of creating a safe place are therapy techniques here. only your therapist can say what they meant by asking you to make a safe place, asking you if you have a safe place,

my suggestion is the next time you see your treatment provider ask them what they meant and how they want you to do it.

[lucidity11]

Went to visit my grandsons. They are a bright light in my life. They had gone to the beach with their dad the day before and seemed to have had a good time. I took them to the park across the street from the house and enjoyed every minute of it. Just wish my son was not so rude to me when ever he talks to me. I'm fed up with it but will say nothing because I enjoy my grandsons so much. They warm my heart.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

there are two different ways to create a safe place.

the first one is to pick a place in your home and place things that comfort and make you feel safe in that area. some people put a pillow on the floor in a spot that most in the household do not go near (bedroom, closet, corner, ) others arrange their furniture to mark of an area in any room and let others in the household know that area of the house has a purpose. some of the things placed in this area can be blankets, stuffed animals, or other favorite calming item, some people place candles, some writing supplies, ....my safe place in my home is in the back corner of my living room, marked off by a recliner facing away from the room. along the wall is a small kids cubbie stand with items in the cubbie baskets. besides using this area for my own use, my children are learning to go there when they are having a problem too. my oldest two have added to t he cubbie their favorite comfort blanket, stuffed animal and favorite calming music. one of my oldest has a pack of crayons, paper and a piece of furry fabric. for me I have relaxing music, my journal, and I have the wall painted in a framed seascape mural (gives the impression of looking out a window to the sea) my wife's items are her knitting, and a relaxing book.

the second way to make a safe place is mental. you find a quiet place, sit down, close your eyes and daydream\imagine a place that makes you feel safe. mine is sitting by a mountain stream where my wife, children and I went camping last summer. I remember how relaxing that trip made me feel, the things we did there. I remember \think about \daydream\imagine going there again to sit on the rock by the lake and how relaxing that was...

both of these ways of creating a safe place are therapy techniques here. only your therapist can say what they meant by asking you to make a safe place, asking you if you have a safe place,

my suggestion is the next time you see your treatment provider ask them what they meant and how they want you to do it.

Thanks for sharing. My t gave me homework and asked me to come to my next appointment with a safe place. I have decided the safe place will be in my mind where we all are. I don't think that is my t's job. We just have to put together enough things that we associate with being safe. Imagine and visualize it, ask the others if they like it than we will be set. There are very few things that we associate with being safe. But we will do our best.

another rought night.

looked like a complete idiot today standing in the middle of my room at 2 in the morning talking out loud to the air (or i would have, if anyone was here to see it)

wondering what people say to those types of questions.. who are you talking to?.

what do you say to them if they don't know you're did- it's not happened yet, but after today i couldn't help but think about it

[likewater]

[QUOTE=Claritytoo;4181244]I am trying to look for a part time job that is permanent but every time I find something that might work I panic. I start to think that I won't be able to go every day or on the days I am supposed to be there. I had a job for two decades but was laid off. Toward the end I barely was able to get there. It was a struggle every morning. It was mostly anxiety but also I just didn't want to have to be some where. I just didn't want the responsibility anymore. I have had jobs all my life and now I can't bring myself to apply because I can't guarantee that I will show up. I don't know what to make of it.[/QUOT

I totally get it. The thing is, the worst that could happen is you try it and it doesn't work or you miss a day, here and there. I just started a part time job and had a weird accident that made me miss my first day and then the same week, my alarm didnt wake me up on Friday. Still worked out. I made up Friday, on Saturday and someone covered for me on Monday. All we can do is our best. Be kind and gentle with yourself. I also say to myself when i am stressed, "i am safe, and the world is beautiful."

[cheshiregrins]

Not bad the last week. I added Zoloft to my drug cocktail because my anxiety was getting out of control, causing depression and triggering switches etc. I'm dealing with side effects, but I have hope