[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

thanks for the encouragement

it felt stupid when i wrote it all out (like 1 massive diologue) like in a play, but now you mention it.. yeah i see your points

I also journal like that, and I too felt a little stupid when I first started doing it. It has really helped me. I can feel something spinning in my mind, and I'll sit down and just write what comes out. It has helped me fit some things together. It comes to me in segments and if I go back and read the segments, as they have come it's pretty amazing.

Hope it helps you!

[lucidity11]

having a ton of anxiety.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

having a ton of anxiety.

((( big hug )))

Sitting here thinking, a wondering "Who am I?" in total silence other then the thunder thundering from the storm.

Knowing that there are others puts limits on what one can do....like I can't be the person who I meant to be out of respect for the other's feelings. Plus it doesn't body match which makes me feel depressed and forsaken.

Acceptance is a stepping stone to serenity, even though I don't like what I'm stepping on.

despite all the noise and all the talking, their's been no more dialogue written up in the jiournal. i'm not sure why i ever did that to begin with... the more and more i think about it it was a stupid idea

rest... big problem right now

not having sleep is hard enough

but rest..

[Patagonia]

I tried really really hard last wk. worked my butt off to make this past weekend spectacular for my 2nd DD big day. I wanted everything perfect!
And it was...I pulled it off Saturday & I was happy in the end.
Then Sunday came & all the voices of doubt & rethinking other people's nuisances & what was said. The context of it.
Then the nasty part came out & it was directly aimed at my kids!
My innocent kinds.
I was horrid & nasty & this part wanted to see them cry & show them how mean I can be!

And I didn't wanto go back & apologize to them. I didn't wanto say sorry mom yelled I didn't mean it. I DID mean to yell! I wanted them to feel the anger inside me & quit using me as a maid & housekeeper.

I suck! I'm a horrible mom & they'll never understand the real me. I don't want them to. I don't even understand me.
Why did everything go so bad?

[lucidity11]

Really bad day. I keep floating in and out of dissociation and I don't know why. All I want to do is sleep. But sometimes I can't get out of the chair. Five minutes ago I went to get my hair cut and picked up pizza. Now I am home and shaking and not wanting to move. Just feeling really bad. Headache starting hope it don't get too bad I just want to hide but I can't move.

[lucidity11]

I have been complaining about some thing or another all day today. Had my car inspected, sat next to one of the shop employees. He told me it was his birthday, his last birthday. I asked him why is this your last birthday. He said he had pancreatic cancer and had already lived longer than predicted. There he was sitting on a plastic lawn chair, wearing his work clothes, looking out into the woods next door He hadn't told his co workers. He had told his children. He was most concerned about his youngest. His thirteen year old son. Soft spoken and reflective. I asked him why he was still working. He said to keep his mind occupied. I suggested he take some time and spend it with his family. To say what he needed to say and just enjoy them. He said he was glad he met me today. I told him I was glad I met him. I hugged him and wished him happy birthday. He is 57 years old today.
I said a prayer for his comfort on my way home.

[TrailRunner14]

Just said a prayer for him too! Thank you for posting that. I just caught my oven on fire. I thank God that my oldest son was home and helped me. It was scary and I was freaking out. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get melted plastic out of the bottom of my oven. It's not so important now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Just said a prayer for him too! Thank you for posting that. I just caught my oven on fire. I thank God that my oldest son was home and helped me. It was scary and I was freaking out. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get melted plastic out of the bottom of my oven. It's not so important now.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am glade you are ok and thanks for taking the time to pray for him.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I found doing exactly that to be very helpful in getting parts to know other parts and to understand each other. Which has led to better co-consciousness and even some integration.

I wamt to write like that but it scares me. Do you ever stop being afraid of yourself?

[cheshiregrins]

Today is okay. I feel like I'm just me today- the proper me, the me that I want to become, instead of switching back and forth to my child self etc. I feel somewhat stable today.
I exercised a lot today and that's making me feel much stronger.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

Today is okay. I feel like I'm just me today- the proper me, the me that I want to become, instead of switching back and forth to my child self etc. I feel somewhat stable today.
I exercised a lot today and that's making me feel much stronger.

That is good to hear. I am happy for you

Its getting easier dealing with all the changes the fems are doing to this body, lol. Shaped eyebrows, long glossy finger nails, and red toe nails. Last night we had a blouse and high heels on. As long as they don't go in public and leave me standing there!

I've gotten used to the treatment from co-workers which isn't really any different then in the past, just a lot of denial on my part.

At work, my work speaks for it's self. Thats my pride right there.... How I look is not up to me! Lol

[cheshiregrins]

Dead depressed. So much for my previous post, I don't even remember feeling that way.

I know I'm not "actually" clinically/suicidally depressed and that its most likely a state I'm in, but I can't snap out of it. I hate when I get stuck here. I keep telling myself that this isn't real! But it doesn't work. I'm stuck in bed.

[Luce]

We have been less stable and very switchy lately. Having a lot of trouble getting grounded. Still co-conscious for most of the time, thankfully. We just have inappropriate front people out and about in the world and I am having a great deal of difficulty reigning it in. We haven't been this way for a while now, so I'm kinda bummed about it.

[Patagonia]

I've realized that for the past 8-9 months I'm using dissociation on purpose to get me through the day.
Does anyone else do that?
I've used Netflix & HBO/go to lose myself for most of the day so I don't have to think. I have a daily alarm set on my phone so I know when I need to disconnect & become "super mom" again.

Wow, what a waste of a year. Makes me feel so stupidly pathetic.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I've realized that for the past 8-9 months I'm using dissociation on purpose to get me through the day.
Does anyone else do that?
I've used Netflix & HBO/go to lose myself for most of the day so I don't have to think. I have a daily alarm set on my phone so I know when I need to disconnect & become "super mom" again.

Wow, what a waste of a year. Makes me feel so stupidly pathetic.

don't feel too bad... for at least the last 5/6 years, i've been stuck in a sort of time vortex.

and i'm certain it will continue

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I've realized that for the past 8-9 months I'm using dissociation on purpose to get me through the day.
Does anyone else do that?

Wow, what a waste of a year.

We've not done it on purpose, but we have lost chunks of many years at a time in that way. It seems every couple of years we 'snap to' and realise where the hell we are. It's quite terrifying to have so many years slip by and then to 'come to' so to speak and realize that we are ignoring a major problem here and it needs to be addressed.
I don't want to slip back into complacency this time. I want to bring it all together, get it (us) sorted once and for all, and embrace the full experience of life.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I wamt to write like that but it scares me. Do you ever stop being afraid of yourself?

Yes. I have. I believe you will. I had to take it in small steps. Like teeny tiny steps. Can you have someone draw a picture?

[Luce]

Dang. Major dissociative slip up at work today.
I'm outta here.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I don't know what is going on... how did we get to Fri? I remember Tues night .....

[cheshiregrins]

Awful day playing "dress up," it felt like. I spent the day at a professional conference. I'm supposed to be one of these said professionals; I do have my masters degree and a career. However, I've spent the last 15+ years totally crazy and dissociated and hardly remember school, nor did I get the chance to learn how interact with other adults, as I was away in my crazy world (I did distance education for grad school.) I feel like I've woken up in my thirties but my social age is that of a teenager. I fear I can't keep doing this job. I don't know how to relate to people. Even trying to get through a conference was hell. I wonder if my life will ever be real, or if I'll always be playing some role.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS))) Chesire! We havent worked in yrs cuz we are too scared that ppl can see we are not grown ups. Last job we had.. started crying and ran out of a full resturant and bar cuz we were too scared. We got fired. Even if it feels like a role please keep trying! Cuz even if u dont rremeber school and stuff ssoneon in there learned enough to graduate and find a good job. They know what to do. They will be there to help even if it feel fake and forced to you... it is better than being alone and feeling nonfunctional.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Today we are sad and scared. Bad dreams. Scary memories. We got left behind. No one loves us.