[Kiya]

I um... well... one of us... dunno .... connected to someone's personal ad.. @_@ it's put us all in a whirl. We've not dated in 18 years.
keep going in and out of fugue states
got a reply... scaredfd to death.

[Claritytoo]

I am starting to get anxiety when I have to go to far from my house. I have delt with this for about 20 years. At one time I couldn't drive into the next county unless I could only go by train. I have a retirement brunch to go to about an hour away. It is in one week. I will go but the anxiety about going has already started. It bothers me that I have issues with this. I think I just need to get out more, like into the city. I think I am subconsciously limiting my travel because of the anxiety. My friend asked me to drive to Florida with her. The anxiety I felt just thinking of being that far away from my home was numbing. I told her I couldn't because of my dogs. That I didn't have a sitter. But it was this overwhelming sense of being stuck in a car for hours, trying to not switch, and not being able to get home, that created the anxiety. Trying to be the same person for a full day is more difficult sense I lost my job. When I was working I had to be mostly one self. Sometimes when I get home I feel relieved bacause I can be who ever I want. I want to go back into therapy but it is difficult to find a therapist who has a back round in DID. I'll keep looking.

Sometimes I wonder if these forums are helping or making things worse. I'm being called self-absorbed/centered because I'm self-aware. I'm finding out that I'm repeating things that I've already said.

Everytime a switch happens, it's obvious- to me that is, and sometimes outwardly. Who can not think about it?

I do obsess on personal problems, only because there was so many that didn't make sense. Now it does and I'm fascinated by all this. I wish I didn't quit shrink school, but I had too many problems to keep going.

[Kiya]

understand the hardship not being able to find a t. i'm in that boat

being self aware is a good thing.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Kiya

understand the hardship not being able to find a t. i'm in that boat

being self aware is a good thing.

I have been considering moving to a state where there may be a better chance of finding a therapist with a focus in DID. I have grandsons I don't want to leave however. It's tough.

[Willowtrees]

Voicemail, voicemail, voicemail... Gotta wait around for doctor phone calls all day now so I can actually get new providers.. Feel kind of left in the dirt by my old ones. Dont know who I am today, feel like a whole mishmash of people. I hate it and it makes me anxious. That happen to anyone else?? ED recently getting worse. Im nearly underweight. I know it makes nothing better but that voice is just so loud. Ironically its even louder now that im at a lower weight.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I have been considering moving to a state where there may be a better chance of finding a therapist with a focus in DID. I have grandsons I don't want to leave however. It's tough.

then finding a provider who is taking new clients AND also takes your insurance....

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Kiya

then finding a provider who is taking new clients AND also takes your insurance....

You are right. More stuff to consider. Thanks

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Willowtrees

Voicemail, voicemail, voicemail... Gotta wait around for doctor phone calls all day now so I can actually get new providers.. Feel kind of left in the dirt by my old ones. Dont know who I am today, feel like a whole mishmash of people. I hate it and it makes me anxious. That happen to anyone else?? ED recently getting worse. Im nearly underweight. I know it makes nothing better but that voice is just so loud. Ironically its even louder now that im at a lower weight.

i went through that years ago and also struggled with an ED. like you, things were louder in my head the more the ED was raging.

it is confusing since you are told (and can feel) like the ED is supposed to numb you and distance you, etc. to a degree, i suppose it can since it's still a coping mechanism, yet it also can make a whole bunch of other symptoms worse.

for myself, before i even had the ED, my dissociation and everything else was super bad. through the ED, it remained that way, but once i finally got into recovery from the ED, things seemed to calm down a lot. cannot explain how that happened.

but waiting and searching for help is very difficult...went through that too...hope you find what you are looking for.

[Kiya]

looks like my (paternal) gran is going downhill. she's 94, and one of my earliest abusers. she's always been super mean and violent with me (among other things). I've hated her for some 20 years. As she's aged, the hate has worn down to dislike to "meh". But visiting her... that's like panic attack central.
huh - I just noticed I was thinking about her and one of her possessions just the other day while in psych ER.
Like i'm walking blind in a hurricane... only getting the slightest glimpse at the maelstrom all around me.
I have to drive my mom and I there - it's a good 30+ minutes out to the middle of nowhere, depending on traffic. At least there's a good malt shop we'll be stopping at. And I have Ativan. Perhaps this will be the final time I see her.... When I go there, I turn young and scared. and memories come back and I have panic. I don't want to do this, but it feels like "duty first".

Super stressed. I keep screwing up our jobs, separating, financial issues, personal issues, bills piling, doctors want to get paid, credit cards maxed, the kids doing without, I feel like I'm crumbling.

[Kiya]

almost bit the physical therapist but she startled us!! She ALWAYS tells us every single move she makes, but not this time.
My hands were on a vertical bar and my feet were at the bar and she had me leaning backwards (eep!) and then when I wasn't watching, she poked my arm along from elbow to shoulder - to check for numbing- and our head came around so fast! and zoomed in on where her hand was, since it kept moving. and then I remembered JAWS SHUT!!!! and looked at her in outrage. >^..^< She looked at me like Ooops and laughed a rare laugh. sooo close. sooo lucky.

[IB splitting]

So ran into a weird deal. IB (m) was being intimate with my partner (f) and so suddenly I split to (Lacy) and my partner noticed but just went along with it. She knows all about my DID and is very supportive. However she later asked me ,
Is Lacy bisexual ? Because I don't go that way. I was like in shock for a couple of minutes. So I said ,well I'll ask her. Lacy replied no I'm not bisexual but I am bi-curious. My partner just said Hmm! What a mess I've got myself into....

I'm so like done with relationships. People don't get me. I don't get me. It as so like not yesterday, but now it's Friday. .??

I'm so tired of being denied. Others deny us. If I can do what I can do, the system would have a freak out and melt down. That I'll respect.

It's all the walls. We're imprisoned. Life is so cruel, not even comfortable in our own skin.

No lie, if I believed in reincarnation, we would've restarted decades ago. :/

Anything is better than this.

I've been numb for weeks now. I can feel it wearing off, and depression settling in. I'm try to hold on to the numbness with my fingertips. I hate being numb, but I hate depression more. So, how do I feel. I'm between numb and depressed.

[IB splitting]

So I'm feel anxious, nervous, on the verge of something. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm getting like hot flashes, don't like this feeling.
Why doesn't this go away
Why do we have so much pain
Why do we feel so sad
Why can't we be happy
Why do I feel,maybe I'm not strong enough

Originally Posted by IB splitting

So I'm feel anxious, nervous, on the verge of something. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm getting like hot flashes, don't like this feeling.
Why doesn't this go away
Why do we have so much pain
Why do we feel so sad
Why can't we be happy
Why do I feel,maybe I'm not strong enough

You're strong, friend. The mere fact that here stll with us is proof of your strength.

I hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by IB splitting

So I'm feel anxious, nervous, on the verge of something. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm getting like hot flashes, don't like this feeling.
Why doesn't this go away
Why do we have so much pain
Why do we feel so sad
Why can't we be happy
Why do I feel,maybe I'm not strong enough

Awww. Hang in there sweety. This too shall pass. Is it normal? Can it be medically related? I hope you get to feeling better.

[IB splitting]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Awww. Hang in there sweety. This too shall pass. Is it normal? Can it be medically related? I hope you get to feeling better.

Thanks AC2 just had some flooding from my Alters, one at a time. Lacy was busy with Baby Blue so the others seen an opening. Just did some RCT. Rapid centering technique.

[pearlzandlace012]

So the partial I'm at refuses to speak to any of my alters, and I don't know what's going to happen after I'm discharged and my personality switches.

Steve tried to be singular, be the one, but he got triggered out the moment we opened this website. I don't know if we can successfully fake it anymore? To appear "normal"?

The idea of all this being a fantasy....lost in the sounds of Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd would make better sense to me than reality.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by pearlzandlace012

So the partial I'm at refuses to speak to any of my alters, and I don't know what's going to happen after I'm discharged and my personality switches.

why am I not surprised in their attitude? sorry to hear that.

[Kiya]

record-breaking bad mood and complete refusal of all system members to take any meds today.

Originally Posted by Kiya

record-breaking bad mood and complete refusal of all system members to take any meds today.

Awww sweeties, please take care of your selves.

[Kiya]

Thx. Mood continues, but I did take my meds today. Therapy tomorrow.