ai yoo!!

today we went to our t appt and told her everything that was going on. who's who and that we're all here. she didn't ridicule or disbelieve us. she said it made things make more sense and that no wonder i have no interest in having a job or anything... i've got bigger fish to fry!
the last appt she asked what my therapy goals were and i said i didn't know. so then today we all worked together (so proud of us) and everyone got equal chance to speak and we were able to basically be like... "integration!"
she was like "that sure is a goal!" haha it just felt so nice to air it all out for once and be believed and it was just such a surreal moment, being at the doctor's and not being terrified!
i felt like a nervous parent before the school play... everything's in place and ready and it'll all be okay and as long as you remember that it's ok but it's so easy to get caught up in the what ifs
"what if we forget what we're doing!"
"what if half of us freak out as soon as it starts and run away!"
"what if we pee our pants!!"
it was all okay though and my t is referring me for diagnostic testing (psych ones and learning ones and all that) which will maybe motivate someone to gimme a hand getting on disability since going through the system the normal way takes forever and unfortunately capitalism tells me i need money to survive
but otherwise woohoo today was good
we also created a code for all of us to live by, and decided to base our system on honour. honour for ourselves and each other and that denying another part's reality isn't what this system is about. it was created for a good purpose and just needs to be guided back to that.
one part of the code is being open and upfront about all our feelings and concerns so that there's no time for it to fester into judgement and criticism. that reminders and advice is just that... reminders and advice.

party

I just went through the same thing! I feel like I just gave birth! Lol

I'm so happy for you like me. Being honest is not our strongest, so scary!

I've been so scared and embarrassed. But it's for real!

Wow, you guys are so brave! And so in control! I don't seem to have anything like the level of control over my insides as you guys do. I hope one day I can converse with them on my demand like you - rather than on their demand --- on their whim.

thanks guys! yeah this sudden cooperation we're having is pretty cool but pretty strange too, i'm not sure how long it'll last in the face of real therapy because right now it's just all of us hanging out and gardening and then doing our best to try and talk each night, not much stress or triggers
the only thing about that is then the denial and doubt creeps in... "this is suddenly too easy maybe i'm making it all up...?"
and at the appt she asked if i could ask any of them if they remembered any abuse that i couldn't remember and they all ran away and i felt so alone
so i try to keep that feeling in my memory because it reminds me that it's real because if there wasn't constant chatter then it wouldn't sound so deadly silent when it all stopped
<3
party

I was really scared, so I blurted it out and kept talking. She just sat there absorbing my story, and talked like she believed me. The last pdoc scoffed at me after meeting him for 10 minutes. I knew that patient/doctor relationship was doomed from the start. I would of left him earlier than 5 months, but he had me committed for 2 weeks, which I did need, and I had to keep seeing him for a follow up for the insurance company.