Feeling "non-existent" what is life? Are we real?

<br />
Subscription Form | Joyce Meyer Ministries<br />
I just subscribed to Joyce Meyer's FREE "Enjoying Everyday Life" Magazine. I stumbled upon the ad while clipping coupons (I'm a very old fashioned 22 year old) and it caught my attention because I don't enjoy life, but I really want to. I'm personally a lifelong sufferer of severe depression and anxiety and find reading about relatable subjects a helpful form of therapy. I have never benefited from counseling and don't really believe in it because every human being is so distinctly unique that I just don't believe that another person could ever truly understand the way I feel, so how could they then help me? Maybe by giving me broad, generalized life advice, but personally, I would rather invest my time (and MONEY!) in finding what works for ME. So, after seeing countless therapists since the age of 7 I've come to the realization that they are simply just not for me. Nothing against therapists or anyone who benefits from them, I'm happy for you. I on the other hand have simply just resorted to "self-help." This began with self medicating through alcoholism and drug abuse but I am proud to say now that I haven't had a drink in 6 months after quitting cold turkey and I honestly no longer crave alcohol. I think I was scarred from it to tell you the truth. From the violent physical altercations with my boyfriend, who was surprisingly the 6 foot tall, 180 pound victim. The multiple 911 calls and domestic violence arrests, devastatingly expensive damages to multiple apartments (which have made their way to collections and soiled my almost perfect credit.) As bad as my drunken rampages were and painful to think back on, the nights that haunt me the most are the ones that I have absolutely zero recollection of. I find this ironic because as much as replaying those past scenarios in my head fills me with guilt and sorrow, I am still thankful to at least have a memory, confirmation that I was and am real. Obviously my coping skills were doing much more harm then good. Because of my inability to deal with my emotional burdens- my depression, anxiety and PTSD have recently joined together in a defense mechanism to protect me from these feelings of hopeless despair and terrified panic I've felt everyday for as long as I can remember. This "coping mechanism" happens to have a name-Dissociation, or Derealization to be more specific. Since I was unable to handle life emotionally, my brain took charge and decided to convince me that life is no longer real, and neither am I. Some might think this to be helpful, a numbing technique. I will tell you firsthand-it's not. I would much rather feel sadness and fear than be stuck in a foggy haze with no ability to feel emotion. Pain is much better than to feel nothing at all. This is how I know that to die is far worse than to live in misery, at least you are living. I am no longer living, I am only existing. My vision is something like a vibrant, surreal blur allowing only one area of focus at once. After explaining this to my eye Dr. & insisting on being tested, I passed them all with flawless 20/20 vision. I was shocked and overwhelmed with disbelief. My Psychiatrist explained that this was a common symptom of anxiety and offered no help, just more pills, all of which I was treatment-resistant to. The simplest of tasks became confusing and exhausting. My whole life felt pointless, because I was in a state where there was no such thing (as life).Terrified and confused, seeking Doctor after Doctor, finding no relief. The best way I could describe the feeling was that I felt "Fake", that Life is nothing more than just a theater play full of actors or an ant colony that never stops moving and working but never wondering why or realizing that it's all for nothing. I would look in the mirror and not recognize what I saw. I could carry an object like a glass of water but feel nothing in my hand. It was as if I was outside of my own body just watching myself go through life on autopilot. I didn't walk-I floated. In a clumsy, drifting, swimming-like state. I also noticed extreme sensitivity to sunlight and uncontrollable jumpiness at the smallest of sounds. The full blown panic attacks began soon after. With no sign of warning, a sudden rush of adrenaline would shoot through my entire body as if I was skydiving. My knees would buckle and legs give out underneath me. I could hear my accelerated heartbeat pounding in my head. What was happening?! These feelings were accompanied by this unexplained feeling of absolute panic and fear and the unavoidable fact that I was absolutely going to die. The cause of death was but the message was clear. Sometimes I was convinced it was a heart attack or a stroke. I ended up in the emergency room 3 times during these episodes. I was absolutely furious at the hospital staff for not immediately rushing me to the ER-I was dying! Or so I thought. Every possible test I made them perform came back normal. How could this all be in my head? But it was. This new "lifestyle" of Panic Attack Disorder and Derealization has become the new every day norm for me. I've reluctantly accepted the fact that there is no Doctor out there who can make this go away, no magical pill that can rewire my brain, and no amount of nutrition, exercise, yoga/meditation, vitamins, sleep, journaling herbal remedies or essential oils on this earth that can make this go away (believe me when I tell you-I have tried them ALL) So I am seeking help from beyond what is on this earth. I am seeking the help of God. I've never been real religious, just the typical childhood sunday school and church camps, but at this time of desperation in my life, my only hope is a higher power. Nothing in this life is permanent, There's more out there and living doesn't end here in this life. This current existence we call life is simply a trial and an opportunity to be used in whichever way we please, but it's all temporary...<br />
Anyways, I just felt compelled to share this. Even if you aren't religious I believe it can still help you overcome everyday obstacles that we all face whether we're a nun or an atheist. We are all on this planet together for one purpose and I think we are all just trying to figure out what that purpose is. I hope someone finds this helpful, even just one person. I know how it feels to be hopeless and alone. Today hasn't been a great day. It's nearly 4PM & I'm still just wandering around my apartment in my hello kitty pajamas trying to conjure up the motivation to do something productive. On these (unfortunately frequent) days like today when I feel devastatingly hopeless and have to nearly kill myself just to get out of bed, it's always the littlest things that I coincidentally stumble upon that get me to thinking that there could be hope and give me just enough momentum to make it through another day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I don't understand life one single bit and I know never will (at least here on Earth) so I try not to think about it but being an overthinker of literally everything, I find it impossible not to wonder what life really is and if anyone else ever thinks the same thoughts that I do, and where these thoughts even come from or if they really are even our own thoughts or are they messages? Clues, guidance perhaps. From our Creator. One thing I do know is that I do not believe in coincidences. I believe that everything was planned out as a chain of cause and effect reactions that each happen for a specific reason and purpose. I believe that God placed subtle clues in our path through life for us to stumble upon to give us hope that there's something bigger and better out there that we will all get the oppurtunity to be apart of and to guide us to that one thing we all truly desire deep down, which is to find our purpose in this life.<br />
Kenna <br />
<br/>

Hi Kenna, sweety, read your story and I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Congrats on the clean time of 6 months. So much trauma in a life makes it so hard to beat.

I myself don't much care for religion, too many rules and "shalt nots", but I found great inspiration, freedom, peace, and relief through spiritualism. Not the occult version, but a belief in a power greater than me that is large and in charge. To get in touch with this higher power, may I siggest a 12 step meeting, like AA since you do/did abuse alcohol?

It's not getting drafted into a belief but finding the higher power that works for you, that is, gives you peace and real. It works for it has worked for me, but I married an alcoholic and that was my undoing, but that's another story because it was all me.

Hope that it works wonders for you because I had great peace in it. Luv!

Thank you AlwaysChanging2 (:
I will surely consider a program

Sounds like you have had a very very rough time.
I am glad Joyce Meyers article helped you. She is an amazing person. I hope you will enjoy her magazine.

Thank you Starry_Night
I hope so too...

Are we real ? That is something I have always asked myself. I've settled for the answer of "I don't think i'll ever really know" and tried to leave it at that. Otherwise my head feels like it's been pushed through a clothes mangle several times and spun around.

I know how it feels to be completely disconnected from everything - its not pleasant, and I hope you can find peace within yourself at times.
This is not an easy road we travel down, but even in the most violent of storms, there will always be calm, no matter how short.

Hopefully you will one day stumble into something that helps more than you could ever imagine. I was lucky enough to have that in my darkest days. Alas, it would seem I am one of the fortunate ones.

There is always hope. Finding it is the challenge we all face.