Been like forever...But struggling too. Feedback please

Been a long time since I have been on here. Overall lots of switching and time loss, but hey isnt that the normal thing with DID??!!

Anyway, having a hard time with something. My T went on vacation for a week. And before she left she gave an alter a blanket, very soft throw type. Then before leaving her building someone went back to her and asked if she could make it smell like her. So she rubbed her wrist on it (her perfume ) and now later on that day someone texted her for the name of the perfume to go buy some. So now I have this really soft blanket that smells like her. I prefer not to use it, so I keep it folded up at the end of the bed or in the living room. However I wake up with it wrapped around me or cuddling it like a toddler or something. So not sure how to deal with this...just feel weirded out...

Next...my T does EMDR sometimes...and this I am not sure what alter is experiencieng this or what, but it only happens sometimes. We will agree to do EMDR and then just as her hands touch my knees and I see her nicely manicured nails that are red and feel her fingers start tapping up and down on my knees, I instantly become aware of her perfume and the tapping and her hair and stare at her ( but all I look at is what i can see with my head down) I never look at her. Sometimes i might find that when she is tapping she may look down too and that is when I get a glance of her face and quickly look away before she notices.

I dont know what to make of this experience. It kinda feels like in that moment that I am dissociated, ( my head becomes hazy and my thoughts are jumbled) and I can only smell her perfume and feel her hands ...so when she is done and asks Take a deep breathe let it out and what do you notice?? I always say nothing or make something up...I dont want to lie anymore and want to explain this to her but I am so uncomfortable for some reason. Plus not sure what I d say anyway. As I sit here and think I see it as though i am only aware of her and nothing else...makes no sense to me...

Any thoughts ideas...feedback Please??

I think you should tell her exactly that. Tell her that when she does emdr you focus on her presence and am not on anything else. Maybe there is something she can change to help you focus on what is in your head and not her. Frankly I could never have my t touch me. Just reading what you wrote freaked me out.

Copy/paste this and let her read it.

Someone touching me instantly evokes a sexual desire, especially when hypersexual and manic. I have a few sex addicts that live for such touches, and they just want out.

I don't like anyone touching me because there is a loss of control.

I couldn't be in a therapy situation if there is touching.

I hope you get honest and bring it up

Wow totally not what I expected in response. Maybe it can be taken different ways but there is no I mean no sexual overtones here. It's just when she does the EMDR I seem to get lost and not every time must be some alter that I am not aware of but again no sexual feelings what so ever !

I didn't think you meant sexual feelings. For me touching by someone who is not my partner is dangerous. In my mind it could result in violence. That is why it freaked me out when you said that.

Soooo off of the grid I go again

That's just me. I can't be touched or that happens.

Just2b,

Not trying to add fuel to the fire, but your super defensive response kind of tells me that there might be some sexual feelings going on. Most people would laugh of the notion, not "go off the grid" if it was just a false accusation. Either that or some other deep seeded sexual issues that you may want to explore in therapy instead of hiding from everyone. We are all a little messed up in the head on this forum, so please try not to take things so personally. No one even accused you of any sexual urges, they were just explaining theirs. Hope to see you back soon ��

Sorry hun, I didn't mean to freak you out. I shouldn't have said anything. I know I wasn't helpful because intimacy and touching triggers me in lots of ways, mostly bad. Just the idea of someone touching me....

I just couldn't get past the touching part.

Do u know what alter she is connecting to? Is it one u don't have much contact with? My T was in contact with some alters that turned out to be significant to how our system works before we realized they were even there. They responded to a touch on our arm without triggering our protective alters. Meaning for some reason those alters didn't feel threatened. My T had a lot of experience with DID and knew it was important to relate to them and make them feel safe so that later the system could let them tell us what they knew. For us it was a slow process but when the path was paved we dealt with it without reverting to destructive behaviors and were able to move on. We didn't know that's what was going on but T did. Now that I think of it, they were all young alters. I'm reminded of that because u mentioned a blanket and that's something a young alter would find comforting.

Strange is that I will agree to the EMDR, and then when she moves close, to begin, my head starts to feel hazy, fuzzy and dazed, and I cant concentrate but aware of her perfume and her hands. I become more ... not sure what the right word here is, maybe attuned to her tapping, and i stare usually at her feet or hands. I am not sure who this is. i know not all the time it happens. I am not sure if this is the same part that also loves the blanket. Not always do my alters talk to me. Right now some hate the ones that are needy, and clingy and those hate the ones that are not.

Oh well....

I could be wrong, but your experience makes me wonder if maybe what is happening is that you have a small child part of you that has a stronger need for feeling safe and connected with your t. Maybe until that is satisfied, you will not be able to concentrate on trauma resolution using EMDR.

Thank you for all your replies. Today in session there was a 7 year old that came out and was so shy. She was the one that had gone back to ask T to make the blanket smell like her, and sometimes because she is so shy the only way to see T was to come out during EMDR. She didn't understand that T was working with another part but the tapping was like T asking for her... Not really sure I understand it but I guess I don't really need to. It's between 7 and T. 7 and T had a great conversation so hopefully no more interference. Wow the things we don't understand about our own experiences until we see a different perspective. I go to sleep without the blanket and every morning I wake wrapped in it.

I'm sorry Hun, I've never had the pleasure. I'm like so jealous. You've got a good connect.

I can only like so wish.

It sounds like a keeper. The trust y'all have. Luv!