[TheFuZZieONE]

As some of you already know, I've been realitively quiet lately due to a feeling of calm and peacefulness as of late. Well, that has just changed tonight. It feels like someone just bashed my peace with a hammer, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. I feel I got myself into a situation no one can understand. And to top it off, I feel like I have a disorder most therapists don't even understand. It's a lonely and isolated feeling. All I want in life is to be happy, but it's like life refuses to let me be happy. I understand that happiness is a choice and blah blah blah, but it feels like my whole world is falling apart and I just want to disappear. Thoughts of hurting myself have been running through my mind. I just don't want to deal with all the drama anymore. I want a nice peaceful life. I'm sick of struggles and pain. I'm sick of feeling like I have no one to turn to. I've been broken psychically, mentally and emotionally to the point I don't even know what's real or who I can trust. Today I was told everything I do is wrong. It's the same old crap I've been told all my life. Maybe I'm a horrible person and I should just hire someone to make all my decisions for me. I think I'm so traumatized from my childhood criticism that it doesn't take much to put me over the edge and/or trigger these feelings of isolation and worthlessness. I honestly don't see a reason to fight anymore. Therapy makes me depressed. And every other avenue of approach isn't working. I'd seriously welcome death tonight if he was knocking on my door...

I'm sorry that your feeling that way. I wish that I can tell you that it's going to be okay hun and that its all going to go away.

My abuser alter likes to cuss me out and put me down when I'm down, something I do goes wrong or I get embarrassed. Usually after a few put downs and feeling like a screw up, I'll realize that I'm actually listening to him dissing me which makes me so mad at him and myself that I'll tell him to "shut the f*** up and to get out of my head". He'll either clam up or try to reason with me, and then eventually go away.

I wish it was like that for you dear.

I hope that you get to feeling better.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

As some of you already know, I've been realitively quiet lately due to a feeling of calm and peacefulness as of late. Well, that has just changed tonight. It feels like someone just bashed my peace with a hammer, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. I feel I got myself into a situation no one can understand. And to top it off, I feel like I have a disorder most therapists don't even understand. It's a lonely and isolated feeling. All I want in life is to be happy, but it's like life refuses to let me be happy. I understand that happiness is a choice and blah blah blah, but it feels like my whole world is falling apart and I just want to disappear. Thoughts of hurting myself have been running through my mind. I just don't want to deal with all the drama anymore. I want a nice peaceful life. I'm sick of struggles and pain. I'm sick of feeling like I have no one to turn to. I've been broken psychically, mentally and emotionally to the point I don't even know what's real or who I can trust. Today I was told everything I do is wrong. It's the same old crap I've been told all my life. Maybe I'm a horrible person and I should just hire someone to make all my decisions for me. I think I'm so traumatized from my childhood criticism that it doesn't take much to put me over the edge and/or trigger these feelings of isolation and worthlessness. I honestly don't see a reason to fight anymore. Therapy makes me depressed. And every other avenue of approach isn't working. I'd seriously welcome death tonight if he was knocking on my door...

What I realized not so long ago is that everyone has ups and downs even the people without DID. I think what you said about your past abusive childhood criticism does set you up for a bigger fall when someone says cruel things to you. I have my own issues. What I have realized is that the moments of absolute depression and emptiness don't last. It feels like they will last forever but gratefully they never do. So when I am feeling corned by my past I remind myself that this will pass. And if I can stick it out I will be enjoying life again. I am not ready to let the good stuff go. You will have peacefulness in you life again. I think if you focus on that instead of the loss of peacefulness you will move through this time quicker. Feel better.

[TheFuZZieONE]

Thank you both! I actually feel much better now. Still not 100% yet, but life is definitely more manageable. My ups and downs seem to be drastic, almost to the point that I feel bi polar.

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

Thank you both! I actually feel much better now. Still not 100% yet, but life is definitely more manageable. My ups and downs seem to be drastic, almost to the point that I feel bi polar.

You know, that can be true hun. My ups and downs happen on a predictable cycle, 3 days up, 3 normal, 3 down, almost regardless of who is out. The tell tale was when we took antidepressant alone, I was manic for 2 years before stabilizers.

If it's triggered it can be borderline.

Bipolar is genetic which means the body is affected no matter what. Anybody can have a personality disorder in mind.

Glad you're feeling better sweety.

[avlady]

i hope you do feel better and soon, will pray