advice re: new friend with DID

Hello. I know a bit about DID and I have just made a new friend with this disorder. I can tell she is really having a hard time but she doesn't respond when I offer to help her in any way. She says she has as many as 30 alters and that she was severely abused as a child. She says she has a good therapist but that therapy is painful. I know she is struggling with just paying bills and eating properly. She doesn't live far from me. I am new in the area and have my own financial and mental health struggles, which she is aware of, but nothing at all like what she is going through. We've met in person twice and emailed back and forth a few times. I'm not sure how to proceed with the relationship. Is it OK to ask about her alters and who is present or should I just try to learn as I go? I'm very worried I'm going to talk as though I'm with an adult and then turn out I'm with a teen or a child. She seems to have 2 who are dominant, are adults, and aware of each other (the two I've met) but she has also mentioned many others. I really want to be her friend. I don't want to act disinterested. I don't want to invade her privacy. One alter I met is very upbeat. The other is struggling to survive. And those are the only two I've met. Any advice would be very appreciated. Thank you.

it might help to ask her what she is comfortable with you asking, so you could maybe ask her and then the others as well who you have met as to what they are ok with in that regard because everyone is different with that kind of thing. it could be those those are the only ones you will meet. but since they might not be aware of each other, they might not be able to share things about what the others are like/ok with, so you might have to learn as you go along too.

Thanks. She did bring up the alters herself and shared voluntarily about a few of them. I got the impression she did not know when one or another of them would appear. She said it was "exhausting." I would think so! She also seemed completely despondent over losing the ability to spend time with her son (who she lost custody of) because of not having control over the alters. She sounded so upset about this I'm afraid she may harm herself. I wonder if I contact her via telephone to see if she's OK, if I will meet an alter who doesn't even know me. And I'm not sure how to act if that happens. Ask who this is? Ask if one of the alters who knows me is there, too? She was so despondent when we last met. She said she had lost contact with her family and friends and had recently gotten out of the hospital. I'm very worried about her.

I'm sorry...I wouldn't wish this on anybody. It's hard to say. Does she have amnesia between alters? Maybe co-con? Anyways...

Just be a friend. Accept what happens and get to know each as they present. Usually a person gets assigned an alter until a trigger is encountered. Not everyone of them is going to like you, sorry to say, but that's to be expected. And if one presents that doesn't like you, I'd just say "I'm sorry that you feel that way", then I'd excuse myself. The other that knows you might return sooner or later.

It's always an adventure with this condition. Let us know how it goes.

Im sooooo new to this, so I don't know if my responses are 'normal' or not. But if you were my friend I would be happy for you to ask questions. In fact - Id appreciate it. In my mind when someone asks questions it means two things - 1) They are interested - which is a really nice feeling, and 2) It acts like its giving me permission to speak about it. Its highly unlikely I will say anything about whats going on in my head without someone asking me first.

There are days where I really don't want to talk about it, or where nothing is going on and I feel normal. On those days my response might cut you dead, but inside I would still be appreciate of your concern and questions.

I have no idea if thats what your friend is like, but I hope this helps

Personally, I'd really like to thank all who responded to this post. I too have a friend with DID and want to keep our friendship alive and strong. You have all given me valuable insight and suggestions.

This, just a girl (did that come from No Doubt? Love that band) is very much like what I feel. I hardly know my alters at all and I have no idea what their situations are like when i' m not conscious of them. In my case, if I know someone knows that I have D.I.D. and ignores it... doesn't ask about it or address it... my feelings get so hurt I shut them out altogether. When I'm alone I sob and sob and other littles sob because their "friend" doesn't care about them; it seems at least one or more of the littles are always paying attention to whoever is in the room with them, even though there are just about always older alters in control of the body while we're with other people. I know everybody is different, but that's what happens with me. I've always hoped to have friends that care about and that pay attention to the D.I.D.; i' m kinda jealous of your D.I.D. friends. I would guess that they appreciate you much more than you know even when they don't seem to... even the meanie-headed ones.

Thanks so much for all of this insight. I don't know about the amnesia thing. There's so much I don't know.

This gal (M/K) is in her 30's and I am in my 50's, so I feel protective toward her. I wouldn't be offended by an alter I might meet and I'd like to reassure her about that. I think K has been cut off or has cut herself off from people because she has such a hard time coping with her alters. Except she has one very outgoing alter (M), and that's the one who actually arranged the Meetup for women with depression/anxiety where we first met and gave not a hint about her DID or that there were any other alters. At the next Meetup, she seemed different, something very sad in her eyes. I asked if something was wrong and she said she had DID. I told her I knew a bit about it from reading on this board and encouraged her to talk and she talked quite a bit. I asked her who was here today and she said it was K, not M. I asked if K and M knew each other and she said yes and that they were the ones mostly in charge and that M was was extroverted and up beat.

I would really like to get together with her one on one because at the Meetup there was an older lady (B) who thought every topic should lead to her and she kept stealing the conversation from poor K as she was trying to tell us how upset she was about losing her visitation time with her son. I'm afraid B is going to always be like this and K/M will just clam up because she will feel like nobody cares. I asked my daughter to come to our next Meetup and help me keep B from verbally running everybody over! B has some significant issues of her own which are a trigger to my past trauma, so I am not the person to try to be helpful to B! I want to befriend M/K.

I'm very grateful for all of the insight you have given me. I'm going to keep at this!

P.S. I'm not on this forum as much as I used to be because I am coping with benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. I got over-prescribed a benzo by a psych nurse and became addicted. Now I have a psychiatrist who helping me get off. It's been the hardest thing in my whole life. But, this psychiatrist has been helpful and I'm starting to get my brain back and function better! I spend a lot of time on benzobuddies now. Wow, there is a world of hurting people over there, but also a wealth of information, information that has literally saved my life.

But, thanks for your help and I will be checking back! (If my benzo brain's memory can find this page! Ha ha! Kind of kidding, kind of not!)