[LostOne369]

Hello-

This is my first post. I have been lurking for a LONG time, though!

I have been in therapy for about 5 years now. First due to bipolar/depression/anxiety. Long story short it has evolved to Complex PTSD with a lot of dissociating.

As I've gotten closer and closer to the traumas, things have started to happen. I have always felt numb, like a robot, a shell, and really in "segments" living inside. That I wasn't one whole person. Well, as things have gotten closer in therapy, I start to sometimes write and speak in 3rd person...without controlling it. I am very aware of different parts of me, they don't have names, but more that they go by age numbers as names, and talk about each other (one being the most vocal).

We never talk about diagnoses in therapy, but I am starting to get scared.

Last week, I did it again, and T asked "LostOne, who am I talking to right now?" and I froze up and switched back...and couldn't answer the question. T said she knew that this was happening more often, and that it was okay, and she looked forward to talking to them. After I left, there was a strange sort of meeting in my head, where the others were sending feelings to me, or something. Some were happy and peaceful knowing this. Some others were scared. And well, I'm scared too.

Can anyone help me, or just talk to me about what this all means? I feel like what has happened for years and years silently to me...they are finding voices. Stepping out from behind the curtain...

I'm new to this too, so i don't have any advice - other than I have found researching DID really helpful. I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

[just2b]

Yes it was very scary at first. We were in therapy for BPD and as 6 years passed in therapy and attempts at DBT failed my T realized I was dissociative. And another year to give diagnosis of DID. A year off from therapy we found a new one. She said she noticed switches the first session. I found as we talked to her....Feelings of relief and feeling like we are giving our secret away was so scary. As comfort level got better so did the ease to be who we were at any given time. T lets us be who we are as to ex T that really didn't let us be ...always wanted host and threats of ending session early if we couldn't be. Until she realized it was not us but her threats that caused more dissociation. Anyway I got off track....I agree that you should read...a good book for client and therapist is Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation. Here if you have questions. Safe journeys! !

Hi welcome lostone!

It is so freaky scary and a mind blower to discover that one isn't alone in ones own body/mind....it changes everything. But please remember, we are the victims here and that we didn't have a say in what has happened to every part of us. We weren't born this way...we were traumatized to be made this way...big difference. Some of the others aren't too keen on what's been happening, either.

I've been a tight ball of anxiety and neurosis for most of my life, and actually, when how I am became clear to me.... like you, we started to relax and feel free'er about ourselves. It was like the sun was shining on my soul because now I know...very liberating. We've been holding our breath working silently for years trying to stay hidden....then we finally just couldn't do it any longer.

Yes...it is real....hard to digest....but very real. Things got better once there was system wide acceptance of the way we are. It's great that you are co-conscience enough to recognize and work together. It never dawned on me that we were always "talking" until the realization of being a multiple sank in and individuality started to emerge.

You know, there is nothing to be scared about....the scary part is over...the way we got this way. It's now time to put back together all the pieces that is us. A diagnosis is nothing, it's just a classification to the type of therapy that you'll be requiring, statistics, classification for insurance purposes....What matters is that you are now free and that therapeutic healing can now begin.

We've actually have gotten to known each other, who we are and what we do and the reason that we are here. I like everybody...most everyone except the really bad ones. Once I got used to my condition and familiar with the neighborhood, I'm now Okay with it. If you think about it, this is how it has been since forever (I'm 47- but don't feel it!)- so like this inner discovery is like nothing new...we were just made aware of what has been in our forever.

Ever wonder why you did or said that thing that you would never do or say but did or said anyways? Well, you've found your answer.

My best advice is to find your peace with all this through acceptance and carry on as a unified system, all working together (all for one...one for all!), and to have a good attitude about it...after all, it is what it is- our normal.

Feel free to post as you want on here, everyone is here to support and help. I know I get long winded and crazy on here sometimes...oops.

I hope your treatment goes well and please keep us posted.

[LostOne369]

Thank you everyone, and AlwaysChanging - you were not long winded at all. The time you took and saying what you said was really...comforting!

I have T today and I'm scared to go. Whether I should bring up last session or wait to see if she does. I have one specific other who is excited to talk. And others who are totally shrinking away and almost screaming. I don't know who is going to start.

Probably the "shell". That's what I call me. Or a robot. The face. If that makes sense.

Sigh. Some parts are so hurt.

[finding_my_way]

it is difficult and scary. i have been seeing my psychiatrist for 10 years now...during the first few years, my dissociation was very bad to the point i was not able to really even speak.

my others were very vocal (in my head) at that point, and i had more knowledge and communication then. but the last few years, i don't have that but still can have their feelings or thoughts come through or blend with them which tends to be more what happens instead of hearing their voice...but it is less often.

there has been a real shift for me with all of that...as my dissociation has lessened over the last few years..but when it happens now, well, it's still just as confusing and scary at times...also because i cannot tell who/what it is that is coming through and am just stuck in a strange type of existence.

to me, it's worse than just derealization or depersonalization (i used to experience those a lot years ago which were completely different from this).

i do recall telling my psychiatrist about the others, but i do not know if she has ever noticed when i have had subtle blending, etc. in sessions.

i was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (at 16 but legit at 18-which i never agreed i had). my psychiatrist recently told me i am moving away from that as a diagnosis and more am now just dissociative with OCD.

what confuses me is that i know the others exist to whatever degree, but i do not know how fully formed they are, if they are at all.....because the ones i used to know and feel quite often, like it is said it 'generally' works, i do not know that they had their own actual 'history' or 'story' etc. or that they even held pieces of memories....it feels like they are like me where some might have a specific range of feelings (i do not feel anger, just frustration at times, but not actual anger/rage) or way of being but no actual memory of trauma...it's like the trauma is still separated from all of us even though i do know of some and always did even when i did not have the memories.

sorry...sometimes i ramble a lot.