All the eggs in the basket

This kind of somehow ended up being our topic last night in T. We are trying to work on the understanding that we are all in the same body and part of the same person. Hard to understand for us. For us it's like we live somewhere else and then float into this body for our needs. But it's never felt like it's our body, just some shell we use. T was trying to explain how we all live in this body together we just live in our own compartments. As he was saying all of this, all I could see in my head was this easter basket with all these different color eggs in it. You know the plastic ones that you can open up and have different things in.

That's how it all made sense. Our body is this basket and we are all these different eggs in the basket. Each egg holds a different memory or trauma. Some eggs might only hold one jelly bean, while another holds many. Then T said that's it's up to us if we want to open the eggs or just leave them as they are?

That's where I'm at right now. Do I want to open the eggs and start to spill out the jelly beans into one basket or just leave the eggs as they are? It's the whole intergration thing. Do I what to go for intergration or stop now where I'm at? We have worked with the T now for 5 years. We feel very safe and comfortable with him now. We know he's there for us and that he works hard to help us. He remembers things we talked about 2-3 years ago.

The thing we are scared about is the unknown. Scared to take that step and say yes this is what I want to do. But our therapy I feel has come to the point where we have to decide if we move on to intergration or stop where we're at and say this is it.

I'm very undecided right now about it. Has anyone started intergration work? This is something I'm really going to have to think about.

Hello Monty girl,

Like you, I have been in therapy a long time too.

The word 'integration' wasn't mentioned till about two years ago. Very scary word. But actually I guess the integration process has been happening right from the very start of therapy.

I think it is a very personal decision, on how far to go with it.

For me personally, my healing is about being 'ok' with how I am, how we are.

Yeah I think it is a very personal decision to intergrate or not. Sometimes I think that it's naturally happening on it's own anyways. So then it's how much do I want to know? So I've kind of come to the decision, yes I'll work on intergration and what happens, happens. You know nothing could be as bad as it was when the traumas happened. I know that there's going to be a lot of pain. But things have changed now. Before when everything happened there was no one for me. I suffered alone. No one hugged me or told me they loved me. Picked me up if I fell off my bike, made dinner for me or tucked me into a warm bed. I slept in the floor in a corner and hoped I would die. Now things are so very different. I have ppl around me who care about me. Hug me when I'm sad and care enough to Love me. I know I have this support to get through all this now. I just have to take the step forward.