[onebody]

I think, I know for sure I am not DID. But I would post here cuz I do dissociate.
I read something bout ego state disorder. Kinda made sense to me.
I deny, but I DO got different me's, and sometimes its OK, and sometimes I get scared, and sometimes I am so well adjusted I am prectically perfect.
I have a CBT T. And we been floundering some.
I am WAY safer than I was.
I cope better.
Right now we just trying to work on my strong ways of being, and going to try and get my life in order.
But my QUESTION is: has anyone else had the problem of being unable to access inside info cuz there;s a part that gets extreemly angry if I do try? Its like anger and blanking and I have to leave the room cuz I feel like I gonna explode.
There's a white flash, and all goes blank. I CANNOT access that which causes me unhappiness and confusion in my life. I wonder if there even IS anything? But why the anger?
So its a block. And so I am just trying to be adult and 'normal'(?).
But I can't stop the 'haunting ' inside of me.
And there's upset.
I need ideas of what to do.
Anyhelp much appreciated.
Onebody <font color="green"> </font>

[MissCharlotte]

I dissociate fairly frequently and I have been in therapy working on reaching my anger. My therapy is psychodynamic in nature, so we will continue to keep working deeper and deeper to reach those areas within me that need healing. It is different than CBT which looks at behaviors.

My suggestion is to just keep working on it and if your T can't help you anymore than seek out someone who can guide you further. You can heal.

Best of luck.

[onebody]

thanks sister
mebbe thats what I need to do
but I been w/her awhile.....
took a LONG time to trust....

[MissCharlotte]

Oh heavens, yes, trust took me forever and I'm still always wary......

Hi Onebody,

I experience dissociation allot too. Its very unnerving to me because I feel so different. I think my T would say to try to track what your 'triggers are', have an activity you can do that releases unexpressed/frozen energy (ie. yoga, running, anyting that makes your body feel alive), if you are with your T, you could ask him to stop and help you when you are feeling that you are leaving. Best wishes!

ev

[onebody]

sister, yeah I still wary sometimes, but not so much. My T bent over backwards ti build trust.
I tested her lotsa times.
She still not dumped me.
(( T ))

[onebody]

Yeah, actually I dissociate very little in T now.
Sometimes its so very subtle, just a shift.
I am trying to be a good me in T, but its hard, I think there's a part of me that still views her as a threat, so I am very careful.
I CAN write however. So I write lots to her.
Thanks for your reply.

[Crystal88]

I have DID and have all kinds of alters 103 to be exact and some are angry memory containing ones, some are sad some are happy, some suicidal, some.. you name it. no matter what the emotion or or memory there is one that matches it. I can't access any of them. What happens is that my therapist and I are talking and if I start feeling anything - angry, happy, sad whatever I switch into an alter. One second I am there talking and the next the session is over and Im somewhere else - the store, college, whatever and time has passed sometimes hours sometimes days and weeks. My therapist says this happens because those memories are the traumatic ones that were separated out of my awareness and as I gain experience with grounding and relaxing I will be able to remain aware and start remembering what those memories that are my alters are. We are doing things like playing with playdough and my telling my therapist how it looks, feels, smells, eating all kinds of strong smelling fruits and such... anything that will make my senses stay connected with the here and now while we are talking. Maybe you and your therapist can stop worrying about digging right in to those angry memories of yours and work on things like gaining experience with grounding and relaxing/self nurturing stuff so that you wont have this problem later on when its time again to try and find those angry memories.

[onebody]

Thank you for repling.
Grounding kinda scares me sometimes cuz then it makes me realize how out of it I am/was. Sometimes I try and ground and I get all scared and have anxiety.
Sometimes mt T helps if I need grounding, but it really wierds me out cuz she talk in a soft voice which kid REALLY likes but I am totally weirded by it. And I don't want kid around T cuz she SO way needy, the kid is.
So I shy away and go in circles .
I just figgered something today!!!!!
I figgered that my writings are REAL and this body that presents before the T is a facade. In T I am so careful of words that I say(I don't say much). But what I say is all filtered. But when I WRITE there is LESS FILTERS!!! So truth can come out some. Some only. But some. I write lots, I dunno if T realizes that REAL me is in writings, I think she think real me is the body b4 her, but it isn't, its just a shell of seeming mute normality.