i dunno

i dunno, i've been fine most of the day then sudenly i am thinking of ways to kill myself and what im going to write in my suicide note, i know i wont do it as i will hurt to many people but am i hurting myself more buy thinking like this, i just cant help it, my brain is on total overload its half 11 at nyt i have college in the morning am despirate for sleep but cant, most likely gunna be up till 3 in the morning then back up at 7 to get ready for college, then their till 2 and knowing me back home to finally get the sleep i will be craving all night, and you know what i am sick of it, i think im finally going to go and see ym doctor, but then i think will he understand how i feel will he believe me, i dont know what to do, these days im more indecisive then ever before, i would rather be told than left to do it myself, i cant pluck up courage anymore and before i used to be such an outgoing person, nowadays everyone has noticed that im different, i just want to spend my time indoors, i find myself not able to be with all my friends at once i just get ajitated, is this right? my family dont know how i feel yet somehow i feel i can talk about it on here

sorry for making u read that. im in a horrible mood tonight,

kaz xxxxxxxxx

hi kazzi

a thought came to me while i read your post. you say you think about suicide but won't do it. could it be that your mind followed the depressive line of thinking to its full course? i mean, sometimes i wonder if there is another side of my mind, watching the first side, the side that does the majority of thinking and in its own way it "helps" the first side by offering solutions and counter solutions to the original thoughts... since you don't intend to suicide maybe its your mind trying to show you the complete picture of what your logic is leading to, ergo, helping to re-direct and even tho its uncomfortable, to be led away you must be led there in order to know what turns to make...

somewhat rambling, sorry, hope you can get what i intended to say...

anyhow, you're correct, people here will listen, have had similar experiences, and do care...

(((((((kazzi))))))

I've been there sweetie. I really didn't want to be here, but I didn't want to die because of my children. I wanted someone to listen, I wanted attention, I craved love. I am in therapy now and I know I will get better. It's ups and downs along the way, you WILL make it. Reach out here, talk and talk and cry all you like, try to find good proffessional help too. Things will get better

sending gentle hugs, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I can totally relate. I have tried to commit suicide many times, and now even when I'm happy I am thinking about it. Argh. I hope things get better for you. (*HUGS*).

well to be honest i dunno

agen *rolls eyes*

i have tried suidiced before, a few times, and i used to self harm regularly but try so hard not to do it any more,

i find im like this most days, especially on a night, it seems to be all my mind wants to think about, which surely isnt good, i have been in foster care, i have been abused sexualy mentaly and physicaly and daily think of suicide, and im only 16, it doesnt realy put much perspective on my life, i agree i have goals i want to reach but im never closer to getting them

i constantly battle myself to try and go to the doctors but still havent won yet, my mind just seems to take over my body sometimes

kaz xxxxx]

ps i was origonaly from derby jinnyann

i wish i could remember the exact post i read recently and who posted it, but someone previously made a comment re youth and depression. something to the effect that at a young age so many teens seem ready to give up, give in... but you haven't lived yet. 16 years is only a portion of the long life that is waiting before you... there is no way to intelligently decide to live or die when you really haven't lived yet... for some of us we have to get thru some of the muck to find the pearls and that just plain takes awhile... give yourself a chance...

i am so sorry to hear about the abuses... now you know what bad is, maybe take some time and discover good... it really is out there... the doctor idea sounds like some great self-advice, go ahead, follow it, what have you got to lose?

love and more love...

well...

todays not been so bad, i went to the docs, felt so horrible last nyt i didnt want to feel like that again, i am now on fluoxetine and i go back a week on friday to talk about therapy

feel happy that ive done it, even told my mum about how i feel so i feeling good at the moment

kaz xxxx

((((hugs))))

i am so glad you're feeling better kazzi, this is such an excellent report glad i didn't scare you away yesterday, i was thinking about it before i fell asleep last night... hope to see more of you around here... there are a lot of teens here, not just old guys like me... but still wishing the best in your recovery... you CAN do this, just dig deeper inside... sometimes i think learning to deal with depression is somewhat an art form... you'll learn tricks that work for you and with experience it will become easier and easier... in the beginning those good moments are all too rare, but don't give up ever...