One left (probably), been stuck for a long time

I have done a lot of integration work over the years, most of it on my own, even. I've gained access to memories, emotions, perceptions and so on gradually, with a lot of major hurdles, bumps and craziness along the way. I would guess that at this point, I have access to about 90% of the content that constitutes my mind. Some of it still fades in and out from time to time, but the overall level of cohesiveness has come a really long way. I would say that the most difficult success was in accessing the most child-like and openly vulnerable one. That was a rough one, but a success in the end.

At this point it seems like there is one left, and I have a lot of reason to believe that this one holds the worst of the memories. This is also the one that holds most of the anger, and I mean a very deep, seething, overwhelming amount of anger. Probably due to being split off while holding onto these things, this one is also by far the most unstable and is very likely quite dangerous to self and others.

Every attempt and approach at trying to integrate with this one even on just a very basic level has been a complete mess and failure. It is very powerful and shuts everything else down when it emerges, which is pretty terrifying given its nature. Its perceptions also border on psychosis (believes itself to be a demon, and so on, just a mess). Occasionally there is co-consciousness and it's extremely antagonizing and in a very creepy way, usually.

The biggest problem is that it's such an all or nothing thing, that it's difficult to even allow it and difficult not to desperately wrangle with it when it surfaces. It's also very stressful in that I can usually tell when it's coming, as in to the surface (best way I can explain it). The first time I experienced this awareness was when a therapist tried an EMDR exercise, and it just about came roaring through and I felt like I might try to assault the therapist, it was really frightening.

It has also worn me down considerably over the years including my own sanity. There are times when I feel like I might as well be possessed by a demon since the experience pretty much fits. But even when I or a therapist try to take a very patient, compassionate approach, that backfires, too. Everything just sens it into a rage, even being gentle and kind to it, maybe even especially being gentle and kind to it.

Has anyone here gotten to this point in the integration process, down to the last one(s) where things apparently can get pretty gnarly and difficult? Anyone willing to share experiences/relate or have any advice?

Hey hon, welcome to PC!

Good job!

How do you integrate them on your own? That would be handy to know because access to a therapist have I none at the moment.

I know about them powerful ones. Ours like them is the Angry One. At any sense of personal injustice does he make his appearance full of fury. All we can do is watch at the horrific slaughter because it's so emotionally powerfully charged, there is absolutely no control or influence on our part, and the mess to clean up is going to be huge.

I'm sorry that I've no advice, but would like to say 'hi!"

I too have two alters who were furious and self destructive. They still aren't integrated but are not a danger most of the time.

You've probably tried all this but here's what worked for me
-remembering that they have a purpose, that they hold all the pain, that they need love
-EMDR (you said that was a fail, but could you try a more indirect route?)
-Brain Spotting
-Somatic Experiencing
-Art (thinking about what she would like in a piece of art before I had her do her own art. And I am hopeless at art, so collages, coloring book that sort of thing)
-telling her that I know she hurts and that I am grateful that she has held all that for years
-having stable parts ponder/feel what it must have been like for her
-writing stories about her
-telling her that she matters and I am not going to ignore or give up on her

One is now a very powerful advocate for the littles, the other sounds the alarm when I need to pay attention to uncomfortable feelings.

Congrats for integration. I think I am headed that way.

yes that is the hard part you are at, down to the last most traumatized one and you cant ask help of the others because they are now you and you them, one whole person again. this was the stage where I was at when I first came here to psych central.

what worked with me wasnt trying to work towards integration but understanding what integration was in my location. here where I am my treatment provider saw my struggles with this and said to me not to worry so much about the label and achieving integration, she reminded me that here and in my culture integration isnt something at the end of ones healing journey it is the healing journey. from beginning to end (finding out I had DID, working on my problems,....)

with me what worked was just continuing working with my treatment providers and that last one finally became one with me as one whole person when their job, purpose reason for being was no longer needed.

for example you posted in details about this last alter of your's, that tells me you may know this alter well enough to ask yourself questions like....

what is this alters job, purpose, reason for being,
what is the trigger that causes this alter to take control
was there a point in my life when I needed help from someone like this alter...powerful, demon like...
when I start feeling my trigger reactions that cause this alter to take control what can I do to help myself and this alter... example if stress is the trigger that causes the alter to take control then we know that stress is one of their jobs, purposes reasons for being created. so what can I do to feel better when I am feeling stressed out... can I do breathing exercises, can i do my grounding exercises. ....

in other words continue to follow what has worked in the past because thats what works for you and your internal system of alters,

another suggestion, contact a treatment provider and see if there is a way that you can get in to see them, since you are in the USA the process is a bit different than in years past...now america has a law that everyone must have health insurance that includes coverage for mental health care. so all you need to do is contact your insurance company and find out what treatment providers in your location your insurance plan covers. when you were enrolled in a private or state insurance plan you receive a member booklet that also lists what treatment providers accept that insurance plan. you call one of those or your insurance company assigns you a treatment provider. then you go see them and they bill your insurance plan.

if you dont have insurance yet contact your social services department in your county, they will help you get set up with a plan if you meet the now lower income brackets. they can also point you in the right direction for private health insurance plans with in your budget.

alwayschanging posted a really good link of what my process was like and what my culture believes with integration. Here it is Understanding Integration | Sidran.org

I became aware of them several years before even knowing what DID was. I didn't know what they were, or what to call them, and admittedly I often suspected that I was just crazy and possibly had something like schizophrenia + a brain tumor (missing time, etc).

But due to the ways in which I developed DID in the first place, I was a very private person, very introspective, very secretive and always wanted to handle any issues I had on my own. I was also very numb and desensitized (which turned out to be part of my role as an ANP anyway), so I didn't find it all that intimidating to try to interact and experiment.

So beyond that I would say it was a fair amount of luck with the nature of various alters and a willingness to interact once acknowledged. I also didn't realize that was happening at times was "integration", but rather it's something I realized in retrospect after starting treatment. For example I was eventually able to identify that I integrated with a protector, and took on that role myself in several ways.

Because of this though I am not sure I could properly explain to someone else how to do it, since I had the ironic fortune of going into it unaware, and many things falling into place without me deliberately trying to do a specific thing like "integrate".

Some of it came in bursts of courage where I would spend a lot of time just going through all the details of past events, as though trying to tell the story. At different times, new pieces would be unlocked to me, and I would suddenly integrate some memories and emotion that had previously been cut off from me.

I think it probably also helped that I had mostly fragments. IME integrating fragments is a lot easier than integrating a very fleshed-out alter. I didn't have many of those. In fact only two even had something as basic as a name, and I believe that both names were actually made up on the fly more so simply out of desire for a name, or maybe for ease of communication.

But the biggest sign in retrospect that I was integrating slowly but surely was that I was experiencing less lost time, over time. I would stay present in situations, and feel things I wasn't used to feeling. So I think a lot of it started with me being "allowed to stay".

Like I said though some things still fade in and out, and I'm not all there yet. But it's been a lot of progress, which I can see in retrospect. And the really difficult stuff was handled with guidance from a therapist, so it's not like I did it all on my own.

I could also be wrong about there only being one left, but it's just the only I'm aware of. I guess it is possible that there is a little, and the one I am aware of is its protector. Not sure, though.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Something else I thought to add, as far as explaining part of why this alter is so difficult for me to work with:

With other alters and fragments, I've been able to identify how they fit into my history. Approaching a child alter for example, was like, "You are a part of my childhood, a part of me, and you belong with me." I've been able to feel that way because I could identify parts of them (in time) that were indeed parts of me, such as a cluster of memories, emotions and perceptions from my childhood or adolescence. For example, one simply held memories and feelings over a pet fish and a few other things. Those are my memories and my feelings, that were a part of my childhood, and I absorbed them back into my consciousness in time.

With this remaining alter, I don't feel that way and can't pinpoint such things. I can understand in a way how this alter probably came to be the way it is. I grew up in a very extremist religious environment, where the religion was very corrupted and used as a tool to shame, intimidate and otherwise abuse. It was commonly included as a theme during abuse that I can remember. I wouldn't say that it's up there on the scale with ritual abuse, but there are some similarities. To my memory it wasn't ritualistic in nature, but there were just strong religious themes. So it doesn't surprise me at all to have an alter that thinks it's a demon.

But unlike other alters and fragments so far, this one doesn't seem to have any context. It feels like it was created out of thin air. It doesn't seem to come from a time period, have any traits like beliefs, interests, purpose, habits or anything along those lines. It seems to consist of just malice, madness and believing it's a demon. I can't find anything to use for relating, no common ground, no evidence of context like time, place or anything.