[elevatedsoul]

im kind of freaked out... i am but im not... im concerned...
i feel really hazy and i am having troubles.. i feel like i am having amnesia...
have been for the past ... i dunno... its ongoing... but its bad... really bad right now...
i am wondering if i should go to my GP about this... if there is anything she could do anyway...
i dunno whats happening really, i have always had a bad memory but it seems to have really ... increased in some form... or im just starting to notice that its bad because i have been sober and off medications...
no, its definitely worse... im not really here...
i feel high... well not high good high... not euphoric... but disorientated... hazy... cant focus... i feel disconnected and like this isnt really real...
i keep having strong sensations that this isnt real, its like a dream... and maybe i will wake up and things will be ok, i will be ok...
but i dont think this is a dream... i think something is wrong...
im trying to be calm... for the most part i am calm... i dont want to panic... but i feel like im already really panicked beyond limits or not able to panic because i cant feel... if that makes sense..
nothing makes sense right now...
i have only felt like this when really stoned... but i dunno... i used to always be stoned... everyday, all the time, for probably 10 years atleast...
i can't connect the dots, i have been reading about "lost time" ... i dunno if thats whats happening... i feel like i am aware right now... but when the moment passes and i try to think back it feels like there is no past...
i dunno how to explain it you know...
im really confused...

can my GP do anything about this...? should i make an appointment with her...
would klonopin bring me down? or valium..?
maybe if i tell her im experiencing this really bad she will give them back to me... i just want to relax but i cant... they didnt take me off them for any reason, i requested a break at the old clinic and asked if i would be able to get back on them in a couple months and he said yes but he lied and would never give them back to me... he blatantly said "im not going to give you klonopin anymore" even though he said he would let me get back on them after the break... i just wanted to lower my tolerance...
i think people are starting to notice that im looking different, i feel different... i cant look at people because i feel like they will see that i cant see myself... if that makes sense.... or maybe they will not recognize me or see that im different...

i dunno how long i can go on like this
its scary... i dont know what to think...
i cant think...

there is nothing the GP can do right...
sorry about posting stupid things...

stupid de ja vu feeling... i am dizzy... i might faint...
my head feels empty...

[elevatedsoul]

i dont want to die... i feel like i am...
im having somatic symptoms...

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, but I'm thinking that you're GP might want you to talk to your pdoc. The best he can do is run a bunch of tests to make sure that it isn't a physical problem.

By looking at the meds you take....I'm pretty sure he's not going to want to interfere in your treatment...and I agree. Can you call a crisis team if things get bad? Or do an emergency walk-in at your p-doc's in the morning even if it means sitting there all day?

I hope that you get to feeling better, real soon.

Obtw...if you are in danger of self-harm, report to the ER where you can get a psych eval.

[elevatedsoul]

i dont have a pdoc anymore because my old one wouldnt listen...
they misdiagnosed me and when i tried to explain why i didnt agree they just put it off as a manic bipolar upset about a diagnosis or something...
so after 4 years of bipolar "treatment" i just quit because i wasnt getting anywhere with that... i dont really remember though so i guess its fine...
im just waiting for insurance so i can get a real doctor... to find out what is really going on...
the old pdoc didnt care... the last appointment i had with him i had tapered myself off quite a few of the meds because i had asked him about switching them or loewring the dose or coming off some of them and he refused to consider anything...
and i guess it made him mad because i found out he put in my record that i was non compliant and a bunch of stuff... just because i tried to educate myself and refute a misdiagnosis because i want to know what is really happening so i can get better...
maybe i messed up... i dont think i did... i dunno, now i dont have a doc and im not taking any medicine besides wellbutrin which my gp is giving to me but she doesnt want to refill any klonopin or anything else because my complex issues scare her or something... and she wants me to get a pdoc...
i got a new diagnosis from psychologist after i left the clinic but im afraid thats a misdiagnosis too... my head is just messed up and the doctors cant figure me out...
i hate it...
i wish i could give up but that wouldn't fix anything...
i struggle with self harm because its the only sane feeling i can have... that is REAL...
but im an idiot... im not in danger though... its fine...
i just want to escape...

i dunno what was wrong with me last night or when i wrote this... i know it was strange... and i remember i kept waking up shocked and feeling the same way...
but today i just feel mixed... its like smiling making an angry face, confused face and crying at the same time... but the smile is just for show of course... not happy.... no mania... no euphoria... its not bipolar... im being ripped apart by miy mind..

i dont have anything i can do ... i dont want to go to the hospital because it makes me worse... i cant get help when im in there because its all fake, im not able to be myself there... and they cant see anything wrong with me... atleast whats really wrong...
the last time i cried through the whole interview and they just told me they want to work with me to make a plan for me to get out and get a job and move into a house on my own and blablablabla and i started spinning because i was like wtf i cant cope with this stupid life i have here where i can hide in a corner how am i going to deal with any of that... and then they wouldnt let me leave until 8 days later... which i just ended up .. i guess i just ... i didnt lie, i just wasn't there i guess... i got out and went home and got drunk... probly high too... i cant remember... i just know that anything to do with me being somewhere where someone is going to be watching me is going to make me not be myself and they wont be able to help... and i end up just having a bunch of anxiety for no good reason...

i dunno, im tired... i just want a break...
i dont have any drugs or medicine or alcohol or any doc or thereapist to call and im just "S.O.L" with nothing i can do about it right now... and i have to contain my self and keep a decent enough composure so that my family doesnt freak out and want to take me to the hospital... and i dont want anyone to know whats really inside of me...
i dont even want to know...

im just tired... and im tired of myself... and tired of not getting anywhere.... or understanding anything... being confused... forgetting everything... i just dont know...
i think that i really just am insane...

im sorry... im fine...
im just going to block it all for how ever long it takes to get a new doctor... as best i can... i have blocked everyting else out.. its just so hard tokeep doing it because its been going on for so long there are cracks in the blindfold and its creeping out... and im not ready...
i just wanna turn it off for a while... im going to be fine... i just have to be patient... thats all.. im so crazy...