[cheshiregrins]

I just need to vent a bit and maybe if anyone has been through this, they could provide some insight? (I don't see my Shrink for another 3 weeks.)

I know I'm getting a lot better because I'm co-conscious (or whatever the term is) and almost always aware that I have DID. (For years in therapy I'd "forget" that I had this diagnosis.) I feel like all parts of me are always present to some extent, instead of being completely split off/compartmentalized like they were before. For example, years ago I would go to work and be "Work Me" so I could do the job fearlessly and completely forget I have DID. Now when I go to work I'm usually "Work Me" but my scared/abandoned child part is also there, making ME feel scared too. I feel the child's fear and I'm afraid I will spontaneously burst into tears etc. I have learned to soothe that part of me and let her know that I have it under control, but it's still a challenge, not knowing when/if she'll act out/take over my emotions.

I have a third part, as well, which I don't have a name or age for but is more so my *****y/protector teen alter. That part seems to take over SO often lately, and I only used to see glimpses of that self- when I would self-injure etc. It's my evil side.

I know that to reach some sort of peace in my system I need to soothe the scared child- that I'm getting better at- and I know that as my healthy, new adult self, I can be amazing in this world. But the thing is, the "teen" part of me literally does NOT want to be in this world. When I feel that part take over, I HATE the world. I hate being here. I resent my Shrink for making me more aware of this disorder and more "healed." I just wish I could go back to being dissociated, on my happy cloud of ignorance. I can speak of it objectively now because I feel a bit removed, but when I'm deep in it, I AM that teen self and really do hate being alive.

I feel REALLY stuck. What do you do when a part of you literally does not want to live? Maybe I still want to live, just not in this reality. I just keep drugging myself with Klonopin because I don't want to be here.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

I feel REALLY stuck. What do you do when a part of you literally does not want to live? Maybe I still want to live, just not in this reality. I just keep drugging myself with Klonopin because I don't want to be here.

just keep trying because nothing stays the same forever. my psychiatrist has told me when the time comes that she will help me with the other parts that are more 'dark' and on the destructive side. she says they need to be heard, and there can be a way to work with them effectively so they do not harm me like in the past.

maybe your therapist can also help you with ways to try to help those parts.

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

I feel REALLY stuck. What do you do when a part of you literally does not want to live? Maybe I still want to live, just not in this reality. I just keep drugging myself with Klonopin because I don't want to be here.

Right there with ya

[ThisWayOut]

I'm right there with you. While I never did hit full-blown DID, t and I were talking about being co-conscious and a recent jump to more integration. I was just telling her how scary it feels (and it's super- recent for me, like earlier this week)... there was a reason all that stuffing and compartmentalizaton happened. I would second the suggestion that t could help you and your teen part navigate all that.
Mine is still a relatively new understanding, but my teenage side feels very much the same way. I don't want to keep fighting and struggling and trying to make sense of things. I'm just tired.

[Shaly78]

So that they don't stick out like a sore thumb and cause problems at work you might want to train the child, since you mentioned they we're out during work. Obviously we are best self managers so unless your in a switch that is that bad you might want to go home sick if it that bad. Get back on task is the best thing you can do, we are fighters by nature our survival instinct kicks we like money don't expect perfection we got goals. Don't allow someone to push you to the brink because they werent externally told everything like a boss, classroom, or peer /mentor, like we got time to have side discussion to bring every up to speed on DID/PTSD. Some younger parts actually excel on the job I'm not speaking about those parts, I'm just saying if there something your trying to change that is hampering your better.

[woods girl]

I understand completely. It feels like before diagnosis, my life was screwed up but at least it was what I thought of as my own version of "normal". Now that I'm learning more about all of this, I'm realizing how abnormal my life is.

Painful and confusing...

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I have also gone through a lest one? Long period of time I think like 5 yrs where I completely forgot... this created ALOT of anger and dissention amongst the ranks. Right now their seems to be fairly good coherency, Still lose time and I know sometimes others still come out on their own...but nothing like past periods of complete anarchy. Idk much of the internal structure that holds stuff in place as my primary functions are external, but I am semi conscious and daily more so that I am being used as a mouth piece. I hate it. I get thoughts, feeling and ideas basically screamed at me I have become very stream if conscious speaking as I have the hardest time with all the noise trying to retain my whatever I set out to discuss. It is becoming overwhelming and I feel like if something doesn't change soon, I'm gonna go full catatonic again and that just opens ALL the flood gates! But right from what I think I understand, is that because the body is completely intertwined with what echos in my head as " this is your primary function", the other parts are mostly at bay some because they want nothing to do with the current situation, it's boring, disgusting, not my problem etc, and others because it would be to traumatic for them to realize...I think?....

[kecanoe]

My angry and aggressive and self destructive teen chilled out when I was able to listen to her and figure out why she was so angry and hostile. I also had to learn what function she served within my system. And I had to show her that I want her around.

[cheshiregrins]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

My angry and aggressive and self destructive teen chilled out when I was able to listen to her and figure out why she was so angry and hostile. I also had to learn what function she served within my system. And I had to show her that I want her around.

Mine's angry because she liked her other world better and feels forced into this new, adult world, which is no fun and all stress. She doesn't have a role in this world, but still feels the stress of it all. Haven't been able to resolve anything

[likewater]

I had an alternative named monster bcuz she always wanted us to hurt ourselves and said really mean things. I got to know her, and now her name is Lily. She's just a scared, sad kid. She's nicer now.