random thoughts from inside

this thread is for random thoughts from inside

is their something an insider wants to say or something you've been dying to get out.

no matter how big or how small, post it in here

it can even be something as simple as a passing thought you need to say out loud

quack quack, say the birdies that live in the trees

Thinking about posting a Thread in the Transgender Forum. Don't typically post Threads of my own... especially anything of a personal nature. Afraid I'll be sorry afterwards... I don't know...

pretty sure you'll be fine

(((((hugs)))

i ssays crazy crazy crazy crazy....



and skeezyks should posts what wants to...


oops... ill add this one..

I am so fuhreeking angry at that woman!!!!!

which woman is that?

Too many voices....quick convo....comments...question and answer...point and counter point...commands and demands....bickering...crying and despairing...very distracting...hard to/can't focus towards a trance- walk in circles a lot. Never no single random thought. I thought this was normal once, a reflection of highly intelligent thinking- not bits and pieces. Maybe we can slow down enough to post a thought that's not negative.

bla

and I started to chase my dreams again.

I have posted dozens of posts in TG forums. Still alive

I've never posted in that forum, as Im not one. But due to an interesting nightclub I used to work in, I have a lot of TG friends and they're just the best people I know. I hope the online TG forum is as wonderful, vibrant, open and friendly as the TG clubs I worked in. If I could pay the mortgage only working those clubs I would. I have never been more accepted for being me, than with those guys and dolls x

Boring hippy crap wah wah wah. *yawn*

Today I feel contemptuous of her. What a strange dynamic.

My coworker and I are engaged in an endless traumatic duet. We each react to the other as an abuser. She is my boss - most of the time she is the angry parent abusing me (constant bullying/putting down) and I am the bewildered child who cowers under her in fear.
Every now and then I become sick of the bullying behavior and stand strong against her in anger. Then I am the bullying angry parent and she is the child cowering in fear.

This is the act we are up to in our endless duet right now. Last night I gave her my anger. I told her her behavior towards me was not okay. This morning I spoke to her as a calm adult... she was her hurting victimized child and burst into tears.
Now I am neutral - neither angry nor afraid. I am not in danger and do not need to protect. Right now she is no threat to me.

But this part of the duet only lasts for one or two days. The next part of the dance is where she begins to dig, criticize, manipulate, gaslight and bully me again. And I will be the confused and victimized child.

I have spoken to management so many times. This dance is destabilizing us so much. Its like a knife stabbing at our weak points, trying to sever the unity we are striving for. We are back in therapy. It's not helping.
Something has to give.

Standing up to bullying doesn't make you a bully - although she may perceive it that way. I've been in a similar situation but I've dealt with it by quitting my job and dissociating my way through the working day whilst I work my final couple of months. I'm now at the stage where she can't hurt me anymore, and as Im leaving anyway I don't really care with work. Its sad - as Im sure most bullys are really lovely people underneath the nasty behaviour. But I've spent too long in toxic work environments - some situations can't be changed, and its better just to cut your losses and get out.

Toxic work environments suck, to be sure. As much as I would like to leave it isn't a good option right now. I am near the end of a three year training program which work is paying for. All up it costs 20 grand. I am bonded to them for three years post completion (2020) and if I leave before that date I have to pay back the money spent on my training.
Also, single parent, rent, food... etc. 20 grand is more than half my yearly income, before tax.

On the other hand I am such a switchy emotional wreck I am unable to do the paperwork I need to do in order to pass my training. I am months and months behind. I am not going to pass at this rate anyway, and in that scenario I also have to pay the money back.
It is easier not to think about it.

Dang it. The other thing that makes this whole situation really hard is that she is also a single mom, but living in a foreign country and without any support at all, family or otherwise. Management was going to speak to her (again) about the bullying situation today. I know at the heart of it she also is just a trauma survivor who is doing the best she can with her lot. Her best sucks and hurts me, but she also doesn't 'deserve' to be hurt anymore.
I wish we could all just get along and play nicely. But we can't. We react to perceived abuse and threat where really none exists apart from in our traumatic reactions. What a mess.

i could eat chicken wings every day of my life if you let me.

just,

yum!

So many new disorders are on the way. It's all about earning money on meds. It has some positive outcomes as people started to be treated but wait. What are we treated of?

The states that make it hard for us to live in the world made for us by others. The world that is all about working your guts out to earn money in order to give it to those who own our houses, our warmth, our water and all that stuff. And we still let them do it. We buy all this silly stuff. We let them to take money for renting books instead of selling them. We let them to take our money for virtual items. And we let them to take our money for products in the cloud that will never be ours.

Wake up.

loud music is such a good escape

orange juice on it's own is actually pretty disgusting?

tonight we are having a pizza takeout

this message has been baught to you by the letter P and the number 7...

You really like food.

for all the wrong reasons.

now all we need to do is find a way to cut down...

today's thought..

why can't you marry a can of fizzy pop?
that is currently what the littles want to know.. what a strange question

My name is Mixsy and I'll be helping my owner (the original) for this week