[lucidity11]

I realize that I am afraid of bring into my conscious mind the memories of abuse I suffered when I was little. Part of me knows that the memories can't kill me but I am afraid of the fear. The feeling of the emotion fear, that came from the abuse. I don't know how to trust that the feeling of fear won't kill me. I feel like I will be consumed by it. But I also feel that I need to remember the abuse so I can place it in the past where it happened. The minute I start to think of remembering abuse I feel a shock of fear in the middle of my chest and every thing shuts down. I don't know how to protect myself from my emotion of fear. Intellectually I understand that the actual feeling of fear may not be as bad as what I think it will be. But my body shuts down and the discussion is over. Ive known from a young age that fear is what I need to overcome in order to free my mind. I just don't know where to start.

[MobiusPsyche]

Sorry I don't have any answers. Just know that I can relate.

[kecanoe]

I am also afraid of my feelings. T3 says that switching is due to my not being able to handle things with adult parts so the littles show up. So in some ways it is right to be afraid of my emotions. My emotions and the feeling of being overwhelmed makes me dissociate.

One thing that has helped me was being told that I don't have to remember everything that happened. And I don't have to say it either. I used to think that I needed to delve into my past and get things out of the shadows and into the light so that I could see them and recover. But none of my Ts think that recalling stuff is required. I think techniques such as EMDR. SE, Brain spotting have been helpful to me in getting past stuff without having to suffer remembering them.

When I do want to remember stuff it helps to be prepared with some things that will ground me. I find that dark chocolate and peppermints and really thinking about the taste and sensation of them in my mouth helps. Also, drinking ice water. Or rubbing my forearm with an ice cube. Looking around the room for a certain color or telling myself about the details in the rooms can help. That way when my brain shuts off I have some options to help me get back into my body.

Another thing that has helped me is journalling about the feelings. Not the details, but the feelings that I remember from then and the feelings that I feel now. Sometimes when I do that I can safely remember what it is that is making me feel so awful.

And the third thing I do is to be with someone who gets it when I dissociate. Ts, good friend, husband all can help me come back to the present when I disappear.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I realize that I am afraid of bring into my conscious mind the memories of abuse I suffered when I was little. Part of me knows that the memories can't kill me but I am afraid of the fear. The feeling of the emotion fear, that came from the abuse. I don't know how to trust that the feeling of fear won't kill me. I feel like I will be consumed by it. But I also feel that I need to remember the abuse so I can place it in the past where it happened. The minute I start to think of remembering abuse I feel a shock of fear in the middle of my chest and every thing shuts down. I don't know how to protect myself from my emotion of fear. Intellectually I understand that the actual feeling of fear may not be as bad as what I think it will be. But my body shuts down and the discussion is over. Ive known from a young age that fear is what I need to overcome in order to free my mind. I just don't know where to start.

what helped me is something my therapist called "setting the stage" \ "rehearsal" \ Opening night (both my therapist and I are fond of going down to Broadway to see the shows )

Setting the stage...
acknowledging I have this fear of what may come what might happen and not sure if once the show begins if I will be able to handle it. (my therapist had a great ice breaker for this one with me. Im a logical thinker so she said to me well if you cant handle it dont you think your alters would. they have been handling things for you all your life and you made it through to the present adult and person you are today? they are not going to just let you sink or swim. they are there to handle anything you can not so the moment they feel you dissociating/ or mentally running away from this they will take over and handle the situation. thats what they are there for right.)

preparing for what I will need... do I need a blanket, a stuffed animal, toy, or other ground me in reality item to remind me that was the past this is now. Do i want to do this alone or in a session, or many sessions..if in session what is the role that my therapist will take....what will I need after the show...

rehearsal..have some pre show sessions where we work out the bugs on our plans and do a dry run without going into the triggering parts of memories.

opening night.. wrap my blanket around me, hold my items, take a deep breath and curtains go up....

doing things in steps like this rather than jumping off the pier sink of swim really helps me. maybe you and your treatment providers can set up something similar that will help you ease into this.

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I realize that I am afraid of bring into my conscious mind the memories of abuse I suffered when I was little. Part of me knows that the memories can't kill me but I am afraid of the fear. The feeling of the emotion fear, that came from the abuse. I don't know how to trust that the feeling of fear won't kill me. I feel like I will be consumed by it. But I also feel that I need to remember the abuse so I can place it in the past where it happened. The minute I start to think of remembering abuse I feel a shock of fear in the middle of my chest and every thing shuts down. I don't know how to protect myself from my emotion of fear. Intellectually I understand that the actual feeling of fear may not be as bad as what I think it will be. But my body shuts down and the discussion is over. Ive known from a young age that fear is what I need to overcome in order to free my mind. I just don't know where to start.

I don't know....I fear my trauma memories because come to find out....they are just as real the moment that they were created.

I ain't going back.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I realize that I am afraid of bring into my conscious mind the memories of abuse I suffered when I was little. Part of me knows that the memories can't kill me but I am afraid of the fear. The feeling of the emotion fear, that came from the abuse. I don't know how to trust that the feeling of fear won't kill me. I feel like I will be consumed by it. But I also feel that I need to remember the abuse so I can place it in the past where it happened. The minute I start to think of remembering abuse I feel a shock of fear in the middle of my chest and every thing shuts down. I don't know how to protect myself from my emotion of fear. Intellectually I understand that the actual feeling of fear may not be as bad as what I think it will be. But my body shuts down and the discussion is over. Ive known from a young age that fear is what I need to overcome in order to free my mind. I just don't know where to start.

Luc11. I hope it's ok that I call you that.

I completely understand your fear of the fear. I also understand the feeling that the fear would be more than you can handle or process. I feel the same way.

My fear is fear of the anger on the other side of the fear. Does that makes sense? My memories of the bad times shut off, and the only thing I know is that I so desperately want to diffuse the anger on the other side of the fear. I'm frozen there in so many points of impact.

I'm learning, I hope, that anger (righteous anger) is ok and should be there. The things that happened, should not have happened and it's ok for me and you to be mad and angry about it.

I've codependenced myself into a marriage, 29 years, that has been a reflection of me still trying to diffuse the anger that I'm afraid of. That came out its own. Not sure what else to say, except I truly understand.