[elevatedsoul]

how do you deal with the shame of becoming something you're not around people..?
i dunno..

im making a mess of things

[Skeezyks]

Hello elevatedsoul: Well... I don't know. I guess, for me, the question would be... is there really shame attached to becoming someone you're not around people? (Perhaps I just don't understand what you're getting at here.) From my perspective, I think we all do this to one degree or another. I'll bet you could count, on the fingers of one hand, the number of truly authentic people there are in the world... if that! Maybe it's just me because I've been in hiding since I was knee high to a grasshopper, as the saying goes. (It's a long story.)

You wrote that you're making a mess of things. So, yes, becoming someone you're not around people may present some practical difficulties. It may put you in awkward situations from time-to-time. (For me it has resulted in a lot of long-term levels of high stress & anxiety.) But there's no shame in becoming something you're not around people. At least I don't think there is. It's simply a coping mechanism... a way of conducting yourself that perhaps could be handled in a more constructive... more efficacious manner. To me... tossing shame into the mix simply complicates the whole situation by several orders of magnitude.

So my thinking with regard to this is, first of all, see if you can extricate yourself from the feelings of shame you're apparently feeling. And then consider why it is you seem to feel the need to present yourself differently to people than you actually are. If you see a therapist, this might be an excellent topic for discussion. Beyond that, my personal perspective is that this is mostly a matter of learning to accept yourself... just as you are. One technique for developing this kind of acceptance is referred to as "compassionate abiding". You can find descriptions of this practice by searching the term on the web.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks skeezyks

well... i have been talking a little bit with the therapist about guilt and shame.. she says its because i have needs that have never been met.. so i made myself not need the things i need or something... but i need, and cant need or something..

shame does complicate things... and im very self conscious of the happenings with me currently..
i feel ashamed because im supposed to be this awesome guy that people love to be around.. but im not.. i dunno how it keeps happening, people are seeing me a way that im not and they are going to grow to expect it and i cant be that way you know... i dunno how to, so i guess its about rejection... about acceptance... people thinking im someone else... next time they see me they are going to think i have major problems because im probably not going to be ok.. and i just dont want to be judged anymore..
its hard enough trying to cope without the eyes of a thousand random people staring down at you...
maybe i just dont want anyone to see that i am wounded... but i cant control it...
i guess i just have a lot of pain... just dunno why it goes away and i just become...

i guess i just want to be accepted and im all broken into pieces and feel like people dont accept me because who wants a broken lamp..

guess im just really stressed out.. i appreciate your words

[Luce]

It's actually okay to be not okay, and its okay to let other people know you're not okay. And the more people let others know they are not okay when they really aren't, the more acceptable it will become.
Because *everyone* has times when they are not okay. Yeah, I know, some people have it more than others, and there are some people who just don't have it in them to be compassionate and caring when others speak about the not-okay times, but this whole 'humaning' business isn't as rosy as people would have everyone else believe. There are plenty of times when it is actually just sh**. And ,well, I guess I am just an advocate of authenticity. When you try to fool others that you are just fine and dandy when the truth is actually sh**, you're going to be hurting you.

[elevatedsoul]

to be honest i dont know what i am, like i tell T all i know i am is confused

im trying so hard

i dunno how to make things work better.. i've been like this for ever...
its always been about staying out of trouble, trying to stay safe, survive you know, but im worried that its just hurting me more than anything now and all of my natural reflexes are counter productive and becoming dangerous..

i dont really have any say so in the matter it seems... i've wanted to talk many times before, to try to connect with people, but it doesnt work so swell.. its just something that happens, i guess i so desperately dont want to be ridiculed for my short commings that when ever the social stuff arises it all just disapears... and then i become another form.. avoidance.. but i dont do it on purpose... i dont even realize it... until later like now...
just feels like a big act and im not even invited to the play...

its wearing me out...