[amandalouise]

last night my wife and I had company over. We were playing cards, eating snacks and music in the background that we all liked. One person (company) at the table kept making these really strange and triggering comments to the effect of possible suicide, self injury thoughts and actions, seeming to be depressed, you know the drill. at one moment this person and I had sometime alone in the kitchen, I took the brave step of letting them know that I noticed their comments, down mood and asked them what was going on. their answer nothing, Im ok, everything's fine, Im just tired, didnt mean to upset anyone. this of course made me angry. how dare this person come into my home, seem like they are depressed, suicidal and self injuring then say hey everything is ok.

I was so angry and triggered I started feeling my dissociation symptoms of not being able to feel my body, and distancing from the situation. I did not like that this person came into my home and for their own attention getting seemed depressed and suicidal and self injuring.

I took a few grounding deep breaths then let the person have it verbally. I said you do realize you sound like you came into my home pretending to be depressed, suicidal and self injuring for attention. and that any one of us could have picked up the phone and called 911 and the police and had you taken to the hospital? In my home depressed, suicidal and self injury are not a joke and passed around and then say, Im ok nothings wrong everything is fine. no everything is not fine and I dont appreciate being manipulated that way.

they said I wasnt manipulating you. I said back then what was it..why did you do that if nothing was wrong....to get others to pay attention to you? the person looked around my kitchen. then said ok so I wanted your attention whats wrong with that. I said not in my house and not with me. if you appear to be depressed, suicidal and self injuring you by gosh better be depressed, suicidal and self injuring. I will not have someone manipulating me then say hey everything is ok, Im fine, no problems here. now please leave my home.

my wife and I talked afterwards, turns out while this person and I were in the kitchen my wife and the other person were talking and they too were feeling uncomfortable and felt like they were being manipulated. They heard heard the conversation from the other room. needless to say the manipulative person ended up leaving by taxi instead of the person she came with leaving with her. Neither of the company knew what I do for a career so disclosed this to the remaining company, and let her know that they were still welcome in our home but I will not be manipulated like that again. the evening ended much more upbeat with a few more hands of cards and relaxing.

question would you have felt manipulated if someone appeared to be depressed, suicidal, and self injuring and then they make light of their actions?

what would you have done to pull yourself out of your dissociation symptoms and take control of the situation again?

[finding_my_way]

i have had people do similar things, make a flippant remark about how they are going to end their life, etc. yet not really actually mean it. i have also heard people joke or make light of those things including a teenage family member who got put in their place by another family member who overheard them joking about self harm. they told them without my permission that i struggled for years, and it was no joke. i was surprised the family member did that because no one else ever seemed concerned or to take my issues serious. it is so hurtful and triggering when people joke or make light of those types of things as i have struggled with it for most of my life or at some points moreso. that also includes things like eating disorders which also seem to be joked about a lot which still upsets me even though i am in recovery.

generally, i would remove myself from the situation because i might lose it. one person who said something similar about ending their life was a sibling during a breakup. they weren't being serious as they actually laughed after saying it. i was floored because they knew my struggles (which were severe then). it was just ignorant to me in that case.

but in a case where a person doesn't know my struggles, i don't know what i would do..i would either say something or not say anything and remove myself from the situation to calm down but remind myself that not everyone goes through as severe of things as i did so i wouldn't potentially overreact (i have done that before..or so people TELL me i have) which would trigger me more. i have to keep myself in check at times like that or it really is difficult. i tend to get upset really fast with those situations and not be able to separate their issue from my own so can get confused.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i have had people do similar things, make a flippant remark about how they are going to end their life, etc. yet not really actually mean it. i have also heard people joke or make light of those things including a teenage family member who got put in their place by another family member who overheard them joking about self harm. they told them without my permission that i struggled for years, and it was no joke. i was surprised the family member did that because no one else ever seemed concerned or to take my issues serious. it is so hurtful and triggering when people joke or make light of those types of things as i have struggled with it for most of my life or at some points moreso. that also includes things like eating disorders which also seem to be joked about a lot which still upsets me even though i am in recovery.

generally, i would remove myself from the situation because i might lose it. one person who said something similar about ending their life was a sibling during a breakup. they weren't being serious as they actually laughed after saying it. i was floored because they knew my struggles (which were severe then). it was just ignorant to me in that case.

but in a case where a person doesn't know my struggles, i don't know what i would do..i would either say something or not say anything and remove myself from the situation to calm down but remind myself that not everyone goes through as severe of things as i did so i wouldn't potentially overreact (i have done that before..or so people TELL me i have) which would trigger me more. i have to keep myself in check at times like that or it really is difficult. i tend to get upset really fast with those situations and not be able to separate their issue from my own so can get confused.

yea I have had situations where people joke and flippantly comment and a simple statement from me joking back of "watch out someone might believe you and have ya locked up, did you know that I work at such and such?" stops their joking and flippant comments about mental illness to the quick.

but last night this wasnt like that. this person was actually portraying / playing the part of being depressed, suicidal and self injuring, then when confronted admitted she was not depressed, not suicidal, not self injuring, it was a manipulation for attention...a pure and simple manipulation of everyone else in the room and our feelings and our actions for their own gratification / satisfaction and control. according to her partner the person in question has no mental and physical health problems but they are an only child so they grew up the center of attention and this carries over into their adult life.

[lucidity11]

I have found that nothing is said without a smidgen of truth. For someone to be that socially inept and so in need of attention, there has to be something else going on in their head. She could be that lonely or narcissistic or maybe she is just one of those people who manipulate people as a way of life. I take very little personally. But what ever it was she was wrong to imply such things in your home. And without any defense from her as to why she said such things it was right to ask her to leave. My natural thought would have been to assume she had a lot more going on in her head than she wanted to talk about. I might than explained to her that those subjects are personal and not a joke or a means of getting attention and not welcome in my home. I am not certain I would have asked her to leave only because I am never certain as to why people say what they say. It would have been an awkward evening though if she had stayed. You did the right thing in your home. But if someone is her friend maybe they can talk to her. She may not be suicidal but something seems off for her to act that way. That situation was awkward at best. Sorry you had to go through that.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

I have found that nothing is said without a smidgen of truth. For someone to be that socially inept and so in need of attention, there has to be something else going on in their head. She could be that lonely or narcissistic or maybe she is just one of those people who manipulate people as a way of life. I take very little personally. But what ever it was she was wrong to imply such things in your home. And without any defense from her as to why she said such things it was right to ask her to leave. My natural thought would have been to assume she had a lot more going on in her head than she wanted to talk about. I might than explained to her that those subjects are personal and not a joke or a means of getting attention and not welcome in my home. I am not certain I would have asked her to leave only because I am never certain as to why people say what they say. It would have been an awkward evening though if she had stayed. You did the right thing in your home. But if someone is her friend maybe they can talk to her. She may not be suicidal but something seems off for her to act that way. That situation was awkward at best. Sorry you had to go through that.

thank you....no no mental disorders or anything like that. her partner said she grew up as an only child so all the attention growing up was on her. it's her normal to be the center of attention and get it in what ever ways she can as part of being an only child. I have no doubt her and her will have or did have a heart felt discussion about how she can not manipulate their friends like this.

[Luce]

For me it depends on the circumstances and many other factors. I think there can be different reasons for that kind of manipulation... one person might do something like that because they don't know how to ask for help. Another might do it because they feel ambivalent about *deserving* help - they might want to ask, so do so in an apparently manipulative manner, but then 'shut down' and so deny all feelings about it. Yet another might do it for pure self gain... to cast himself in the role of victim instead of the aggressor.
So there are some times when I am more compassionate towards this kind of behavior and other times when I am not, depending on the wider context.

[ruh roh]

I don't use the word manipulative unless describing a predator type person who poses a threat. All behavior seeks to satisfy a need. It's up to everyone to decide how they will respond to how others are seeking something. Attention is not a bad thing for someone to ask for, but it sounds like you felt threatened by the way by this person was asking for your attention. I may have ignored it or followed up later to ask if they were really okay, but you seem to have settled it for yourself.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't use the word manipulative unless describing a predator type person who poses a threat. All behavior seeks to satisfy a need. It's up to everyone to decide how they will respond to how others are seeking something. Attention is not a bad thing for someone to ask for, but it sounds like you felt threatened by the way by this person was asking for your attention. I may have ignored it or followed up later to ask if they were really okay, but you seem to have settled it for yourself.

I agree its a good thing to .....ask.... for attention but its not a good thing to manipulate others to get that attention.

manipulation here in my location is used in any situation where someone purposely sets out to get what they want by controlling others.

instead of saying hey can we take a break from this game or this conversation I need this or that. this person would throw into the conversation Im going to (suicidal action) on this day by doing this.

example someone was saying their garden was doing great and when we asked what was in the garden this other person would say Im going to (suicidal action) on this day by doing this.

another time I said my children and I would love to see Disney Land we all heard a comment of I am going to go there, rent a room just so i can (list of self injury actions)

both times we stopped the game and looked at her and said seriously and she laughed and said some normal things she had done that day and did anyone know about a good store to pick up fresh breads at.

my point each time the night was focused on someone else and happy this person manipulated us with her threats. then when finally confronted with what she had said through out the night she made light of it and admitted she was just doing it for attention.

yes I was unsettled. the situation caused me to dissociate (feel numb, spaced out, disconnected....)

I have no problem with someone ...asking....for attention but I do have a problem with when someone manipulates me.

you are right sometimes people do ask for help in suicial self injury actions and at first I thought maybe this person knows what my chosen work is and was asking for help, which is why I brought it up in the kitchen.

I got angry only after I realized this person has planned out her night in my home to do this to us .....on purpose..... so that everyone in the room was focused on her rather than enjoying a night of entertaining conversation, food and games.. this person was willfully/ consciously with no mental or physical challenges manipulating everyone else in the room.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I agree its a good thing to .....ask.... for attention but its not a good thing to manipulate others to get that attention.

manipulation here in my location is used in any situation where someone purposely sets out to get what they want by controlling others.

instead of saying hey can we take a break from this game or this conversation I need this or that. this person would throw into the conversation Im going to (suicidal action) on this day by doing this.

example someone was saying their garden was doing great and when we asked what was in the garden this other person would say Im going to (suicidal action) on this day by doing this.

another time I said my children and I would love to see Disney Land we all heard a comment of I am going to go there, rent a room just so i can (list of self injury actions)

both times we stopped the game and looked at her and said seriously and she laughed and said some normal things she had done that day and did anyone know about a good store to pick up fresh breads at.

my point each time the night was focused on someone else and happy this person manipulated us with her threats. then when finally confronted with what she had said through out the night she made light of it and admitted she was just doing it for attention.

yes I was unsettled. the situation caused me to dissociate (feel numb, spaced out, disconnected....)

I have no problem with someone ...asking....for attention but I do have a problem with when someone manipulates me.

you are right sometimes people do ask for help in suicial self injury actions and at first I thought maybe this person knows what my chosen work is and was asking for help, which is why I brought it up in the kitchen.

I got angry only after I realized this person has planned out her night in my home to do this to us .....on purpose..... so that everyone in the room was focused on her rather than enjoying a night of entertaining conversation, food and games.. this person was willfully/ consciously with no mental or physical challenges manipulating everyone else in the room.

Woah.... no wonder you were so angry!! I would be too, in those circumstances. Not cool.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't use the word manipulative unless describing a predator type person who poses a threat. All behavior seeks to satisfy a need. It's up to everyone to decide how they will respond to how others are seeking something. Attention is not a bad thing for someone to ask for, but it sounds like you felt threatened by the way by this person was asking for your attention. I may have ignored it or followed up later to ask if they were really okay, but you seem to have settled it for yourself.

But the women lied about having specific experiences that she never had. That type of lying can't be ignored.

[ruh roh]

I'm not saying it's okay or that I would not have a problem with it. I'm just saying that how I respond and behave in the world is the only thing I can control. I guess I see someone who lies for attention in this way as someone in pain, regardless. I don't lie or manipulate, and it does not trigger me when other people do, except when they are being predatory. Predatory behavior is big time triggering, but even then I would probably freeze and be paralyzed rather than let them have it verbally.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm not saying it's okay or that I would not have a problem with it. I'm just saying that how I respond and behave in the world is the only thing I can control. I guess I see someone who lies for attention in this way as someone in pain, regardless. I don't lie or manipulate, and it does not trigger me when other people do, except when they are being predatory. Predatory behavior is big time triggering, but even then I would probably freeze and be paralyzed rather than let them have it verbally.

That's fair. We all react differently to what triggers us. I guess there is no right or wrong way to react because it all depends on how a person responds to a trigger.