T

thank you T, you rock

they are not mad at me and she totally gets it

im not a liar either
i've just been through alot

something that caught me off guard though was when she asked if any part of me feels any kind of anger or angry towards my ex and i cant tell, i dont feel any anger but i should i guess
why is that? she messed with my head bad so i should be angry right? (my ex)

but then again i dunno why i fell in love with her anyway, i cant remember any of it really

im just glad that they dont get mad at me for any reasons, its all my past trying to control me making me feel like they are getting mad at me

Sounds like you don't feel angry, to me.
Doesn't mean there isn't another part of you that does.

im not, i miss her though and wish that i could help her... i guess im sad about it that it didnt work out the way i dreamed it would, but even though i was lied to... used.. manipulated.. cheated.. frauded... im not angry... im disappointed

but my feelings and emotions are crazy and my mind seems split or messed up so i dont really know whether im coming or going for the most part... im angry when im angry, which is rare... because i dont let it come out, or try not to... im happy when im happy, but things can get weird and have an array of mixed feelings... its confusing to me, i dont really understand my feelings very well and i guess i dissociate heavily...

thinking about it makes me sad

i have an issue with expectations, limits, and things... if somethings not right, its my fault, that kind of thing... but my T says its because i had to learn to be this way because it kept me from getting in trouble

i told her something like "im not supposed to be worried about getting in trouble, im supposed to be causing trouble, im an adult, not a child" hehe raising hell you know? party party woooot
but i cant because of the way i am, always on guard

sorry, i feel really confused..

my main goal for making myself go to therapy today was to just tell her that i think im a manipulator, she said she didnt think i was but just that its easier for me to go into happy mode than to face other things so im not manipulating or lying im just avoiding stuff i guess.. but its not intentional, i tried to stress that several times... it happens, i cant help it, and while im like that the stuff im saying are just as true as the things im saying now, whatever it is im saying

i've already forgotten most of what she said which kind of sucks but im hoping that it will all come back some day...

im supposed to be trying to "feel" things... like when i start to feel a pain, or feel uneasy, or feel anxious... to allow it and let it pass rather than suppressing it or whatever i do, dissociating or something.. but i told her that its difficult because i lose control and am on an autopilot or something or maybe i just zone out completely..? i dont really know, my memory is so fragmented... not even fragmented, its more like non existent, stupid movie theater that i live in is broken

i need real friends, but i push everyone away when i get close to having a real friend because i get scared.. i just dont wanna be hurt anymore, when will i stop being hurt?

i feel so alone

urgh why couldn't i leave it at a nice pleasant thank you T?
lol im such a dork..

sorry about "rambling", im trying to work on that.
I've just never been allowed to talk so i guess alot wants to come out and it doesnt really make sense when it does, ya know :/
trying not to write too much lately because of this stuff

lets try this again,
Thanks T!!
im glad i have these peeps on my side.. i think they are really trying to help

We had an Other marry our seperated partner....we reject.

It's over with and done....no hang ups. I hope the same with you.

Me too.