What is this? a name for these feelings? reverse-projecting?

Hi Guys

I have this thing where I kind of disassociate romantically and sexually:

The best way I can describe it is ... that I can't distinguish between wanting to BE WITH someone and wanting to actually BE someone!

Its helpful to explain that I am a gay man - and hence why I kind of didn't detect these thoughts as a male identity.

I.e a straight guy wanting to BE the women he fancied would notice those feelings as odd as it would be across genders!

But with me It's how I first found sexual expression, i.e. when I was younger and discover porn etc... It wasn't that I wanted to be with the guys I was seeing - I projected myself, and fantasied about having their body, being IN there body and feeling the feelings they were experiencing!

These days I find i'm attracted to guys I WANT TO BE, and so I make myself more like them as much as i can - its how i make sense of my identity.... if I like someone - I must be like them for other people to like me!

I've heard of people projecting themselves onto others, but what about projecting other people back on yourself?

does anyone know what I might be talking about? is there a name for it!

thanks guys

well, i cant say honestly...
but borderline personality disorder has something similar i think...?

welcome to psych central, i hope someone can answer your questions.. im sure someone has some advice atleast, are you seeing a therapist..?

Im not sure about your location (london) but here in america dissociation isnt about .....wanting to be someone else, or wanting to be with someone else..

here in short dissociation is a natural reaction to a trigger...

the easiest way to explain it is to think outside of the term dissociation for a moment and about a time when someone has said something that you did not like... their saying something you didnt like is called a trigger and the way the trigger made you feel is the reaction...

with dissociation something happens (trigger) that makes a person feel numb, spaced out and disconnected (reaction)...

example being stressed out (trigger) can make some people feel numb, foggy minded, disconnected (reaction) during the holidays.

here in america when someone purposely wants to be someone else thats called fantasizing, imagining, roll playing and fantasy play.

here in america when someone wants to be with someone thats called caring about them, being attracted to that person or wanting to be in a relationship with that person....

examples sometimes I want to be one of my best friends who does not have as many responsibilities that I have. Sometimes I pretend, act as if, imagine what it would be like to be that person. but then I look at the life I have and know in reality I would never change places with my friend.

this is different than dissociation and my having had alters because my alters were not my imaginary friends, my wanting to be someone else. before I was 5 yrs old I went through extreme trauma, the trauma and resulting memories, emotions that could not handle my brain separated these things from my conscious awareness and they became completely functioning alternate personalities taking control any time I encountered any thing of a triggering nature all through my life in every aspect of my life.

my suggestion is contact yours or a treatment provider in your own location , they will be able to explain to you what dissociation is in your location and what you need to do to help yourself to be comfortable with who you are rather than wishing you were someone else.

Thanks - Yes I am in London. I didn't think what I was feeling/talking about was disassociation in the clinical term (which I've read about) but wasn't sure what it was.

There reason I was looking to see if this is 'normal' thinking is that i had some very surprised reactions from people when I explained as in 'thats not normal'

I kind of my identity is made up of lots of different people, basically I see a nice trait and add it! is that what an identity is? I just feel like an actor all the time.... but if you were to say 'be yourself' - Id have no idea who that person is? I AM OTHER People but is that so bad?

The main problems in life I run into are romantic as Im constantly trying to be something better to attract something better - and if i have that person it will all make sense!

theres nothing wrong with wanting to be more like the person you want to be, whether you see it in other people or not... in my opinion..

when it starts causing issues though thats when we need to do something about it, when it becomes disorder...

i only mentioned borderline because with that there is identity disturbance, and maybe can take on traits of people you are around because lack of identity... changing from one way to another according to groups of people you are around, or persons..?

i see things in other people that i cant stand and i also see things in people that i adore and want to be more like, as well as want to be less like... and i think thats normal

if its causing problem i think it couldnt hurt to talk to a therapist about, therapy can be helpful anyway you know, for many things maybe even we arent aware of

dissociation is "separation of normally related mental processes, resulting in one group functioning independently from the rest, leading in extreme cases to disorders such as multiple personality."
such as normally integrated memories, feelings, thoughts... ?

disassociation is more like a conscious choice to disassociate from something.. rather disociation is more of unconscious... if im not mistaken... 1 you choose the other you dont really choose... hence the triggers causing reactions rather than mental conscious choice about something...

identity disturbance maybe something you would be interested in researching?