[TrailRunner14]

I'm supposedly an answer to a pray of a mother who was not supposed to be able to have a child. Well. Here I am 50+ years and wondering why.

I'm so very tired of thinking about the "why" and working through the fragments of the result.

There truly must be a purpose of me being here and what I've experienced, and am still experiencing because of of my conditioned past.

I don't know.

I really have never felt like I have ever belonged here. I'm a passenger. Maybe a wanderer sounds and feels better.

I so long to feel safety.

((((hugs)))))

you certainly offer a lot to the forums and we all hope you stay around

[L.P.]

I wish i had good words for you. I hear you. I hope you get to find that feelin safe cuz you deservin that.

NiKKi

[ruh roh]

I wonder the same thing for myself. In my case, it wasn't being born to a mother who wasn't supposed to have children, though. It was being born despite the father's insistence that I be miscarried by doing things that he'd read were supposed to cause that. They already had 5 children. Another was not needed or wanted. Oh, how I wish he'd gotten his way.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I'm supposedly an answer to a pray of a mother who was not supposed to be able to have a child. Well. Here I am 50+ years and wondering why.

I'm so very tired of thinking about the "why" and working through the fragments of the result.

There truly must be a purpose of me being here and what I've experienced, and am still experiencing because of of my conditioned past.

I don't know.

I really have never felt like I have ever belonged here. I'm a passenger. Maybe a wanderer sounds and feels better.

I so long to feel safety.

I know the feeling, sentiment, and thought. In God's scheme of things...I don't get the joke. Why am I even here? Was suppose to be ran over by a loaded cement truck that ran a red light. I was making a left and over clutch and stalled the motor. I never stall a motor. If I would've gone...Tboned and killed for sure. I wonder of that often...like a Final Destination the movie kind of thing.

I feel useless and somewhat un productive even though we try as a group. We manage to keep a job because our workers are good working drones.

It's what we developed to stay alive. There must be a reason and a lesson to be learned. Until then...just keep on drifting like I always have been.

I hope that you and your Others find some peace in all of this.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( hugs ))))))))
Hoping you stay around

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I haven't had words to reply.

It felt like I was caught in a three ring monkey circus. There are too many issues that I'm trying to sort out. I haven't felt like me, one of the rings of the circus, who is me anyway. I truly hope I find that answer.

I find such encouragement and understanding here. It's not this place, PC, that I don't belong. It's just being here, in this life and what I've experienced. It made little sense to me in the place I was.

There is a part of me that says, "I don't belong here." I'm thinking that it's a lot of me that gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal or handle what's going on.

Thank you so much for hearing me!! It means much to me. The other parts of me are saying, "us too!"

Tonight was the last time that I met with my counselor in my safe place. I was numby. Not gone but not all there. I will be braver and go to the New place next week. It will be ok. I will be brave. I think this numby part will hang around until then.

There has to be a redemption at some point. A truth of why I'm here. A place of safety and belonging.

Thank you again for hearing me. I do feel safe here.

[ruh roh]

I've been thinking of you and wondering if your therapist has made the move yet. If your therapist is anything like mine, they create a safe space wherever they work--so would it help to think in terms of safe person? Because that's not going away.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I've been thinking of you and wondering if your therapist has made the move yet. If your therapist is anything like mine, they create a safe space wherever they work--so would it help to think in terms of safe person? Because that's not going away.

Thank you for thinking of me! There was a similar train of thought last night on my way home. Thank you for posting this. It took me back to those thoughts.

That place was "safe" because the person in the place was safe. I'm hanging on to the belief that that safety will be found in the new place. He is actually taking all the pieces of his office to the new place, and recreating the space there. That feels good.

I actually feel so silly to be making such a big deal out of this. I can't seem to help it. It also doesn't help that compliance seems to be caught right smack in the middle of it.

I was hearing all last week, "Comply or pay the price." That by itself was not a good thing on top of everything else. We talked about that last night and I've decided to purposely change those words to:

"Be brave and make a choice that you want."

"Decide what is best for you."

"Cope with the change and press forward."

Those sound better and I like the wording much better! I'm open to any other suggestions.

[ruh roh]

I like your alternative statements. They're more empowering. Everyone can have a different job than they're used to, such as compliance who can have a new job of adapting and making the best of things for your benefit.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I like your alternative statements. They're more empowering. Everyone can have a different job than they're used to, such as compliance who can have a new job of adapting and making the best of things for your benefit.

I've been thinking about this. Compliance is in agreement. It feels good to know that it has a choice to think about what would be best, without always having to comply. It feels like compliance is taking a deep breathe and looking around.

Thank you!