[amandalouise]

I see at least one member here working so hard to figure out a way to give their insider what they wants .... a mommy.

I thought we could help them. not being a mommy for this alter, that would be too dangerous. I mean what if those of us who would like to be their "mommy" decided to take a break from psych central or leave permanently for what ever reasons. there we have left a member in the same boat that they are trying to solve... abandonment, anger, feeling abused/ taken advantage of... not to mention how do we .....really.... know each other. its online. we know each other by the words we type. we have no idea how or who each other are off line. heck even our avatars and pics could be not really us, the way the internet is.. on top of that what kind of psychological damage could our well intentioned "be a mommy for real" for someone's alters that we dont really know in real life will do to someone. For all we know we could be going against that persons own treatment providers trying to get a member to mature and take care of their self...

All that considered I thought maybe a thread about how we each " mother" ourselves and how those we know have "mothered" their self would come in handy.

I have discovered both in me and in those I work for/ with sometimes searching for a mother figure doesnt solve the yearnings of an alter. in me I actually did find someone who was willing to be an alters mother... my wife sandy. this was before we were married. unfortunately this "mother" idea did not pan out. why? because it was my alters sense of agency. it was her job, purpose, reason for being created, it was her control factor, it was everything that made up who and what this alter was... to yearn for a mother. nothing short of integration was going to change this alters yearning, crying, wanting a mother.

well when my idea of finding a mother for this alter ended up in a major failure and caused even more psychological damage. My treatment provider and I turned to something else. We decided to help this alter with in her sense of agency.

We found some dolls, not just any dolls my therapist when talking with the alter in question, she would ask her leading questions like what do you look like, what do you like to do, what kinds of toys do you like....I was not co conscious with this alter so I was unable to find out this information on my own from the alter.

After we had everything we needed from this alter we went on a shopping spree. we bought dolls of different sizes and ages/ developmental stages. we bought toy food items, we bought a package of new born pampers and a few real childrens outfits, we bought a toy stroller....everything that this alter would possibly need,

Then during therapy (to get the ball rolling) the therapist and alter played mommy where the alter would show using everything what she would like from a mommy. then this "play therapy" turned course to where the alter took on the roll of "mommy" first being the mom with the dolls and equipment then with herself.

my point we could not supply this alter with a mommy but we were able to use this alters own sense of agency to teach this alter how to mommy herself. it didnt stop her yearning for a mommy because thats who and what she was, but she now had a way to take care of that on her own.

sometimes when on the rare occasion this alters yearning for a mommy filtered through to me I would do what I felt a mommy would do... I would cook something to eat, pour a cup of juice, get a blanket and wrap it around me and turn on the tv. I also had a weighted neck pillow that I would drape around my neck / shoulders to simulate someones arm around me...

Anyone else that may need this...

I hope this has helped and hopefully other members too with add their own "mothering" techniques that have worked for them.

general question to get the thread started ...

what do you do when you feel you or your alters need a mother, or otherwise want someone to take care of you?

[amandalouise]

this next post in this thread may be a bit controversial for some....

in the mental health community where I live there is a therapy called age play / play therapy.

this happens in many different ways depending upon each person that is taking part in the age play/ play therapy.

Like in my first post in this thread there is the lets play mommy play therapy where actual real items are gathered, then the host and alter "play" first in therapy then on their own what they would like from a mother and then transitioning over to mothering the objects, then mothering their self.

taking this a step further many people in therapy for many different reasons, not just DID, enjoy bringing this into a more reality based play where they have someone willing to act out non sexual parent child relationships.

in rare cases a treatment provider will include this age play/ play therapy style in their therapy sessions.

Some that I know (including me here) have someone in their own lives that will do non sexual age play/ play therapy. Sometimes its the persons spouse/ boyfriend/ girlfriend or sometimes its a friend that also enjoys age play therapy.

sometimes a person wants this non sexual age play therapy but they dont feel comfortable asking a friend or family member. what does a person do in that situation..

this is the computer age which means its completely normal for people to google anything from phone numbers, to addresses, destinations, and hobbies and yes, health issues medications disorders/ diseases and types of treatments and therapies.

now days where everything is computerized and full of internet groups, social networking, emailing you name it, its on the internet. for this reason I and where I work have had to make changes in our thinking to include internet resources as part of the lives of mine and those we see where I work. where once I was afraid to even touch a computer for fear of crashing/ breaking or otherwise erasing the computers inner workings, now there isnt a day when i dont access the internet for pleasure, work, researching you name it.

my point to me its no surprise when someone I know says to me "hey have you heard of this mental health treatment on this website or that mental health group on this website? or this non sexual age playgroup on this website?" there isnt a day in my life personal or career related where I dont hear about something that is on the internet. challenge see if you can go a whole 24 hours with out hearing anything about the internet, its impossible right.

when people cant find what they need in "real time" they look towards google and the internet. Some people who need, want or enjoy non sexual age play do so on the internet.

yes the internet has its risks. no matter what, the moment a person logs on the internet they run the risks of a thousand dangers, from hackers, cyber bullies and predators. my locations statics shows facebook and other social networking sites have now turned onto the central location for undesirables/ criminals and predators. my point a person runs just as high a risk factor through social networking as they do any other website out there.

Which is why here in my location rather saying "you really shouldnt be on that website because this that and the other thing can happen" we teach and follow basic internet safety. when looking for internet based non sexual age play groups on the internet follow internet safety like not meeting the group members in "real time", never disclose personal information like landmarks, addresses, street names, phone numbers...

my point is some people who are not comfortable having their friends or family engage in age play of mommy child relationships find it on the internet.

I used to be totally against this idea of going to this or that website for age play but then back when my wife and i before we were married were in couples therapy. It was actually my treatment provider that mentioned a particular age play group for us to try out. yes it was on a triple X type of website but the group was completely safe, non sexual and every one in the group understood about internet safety.

people in internet nonsexual age play groups talk to each other just like actual parents do. no one talks baby talk or anything like that. the garden here reminds me of the age play groups I have been in, we talk we "play" we tell jokes, we make up guessing games, the "parents" take the children on the internet version of family outings/ trips, reminds the children to tie their shoes.. all those things a parent would do only its done by posting just like in the garden with the cave and other threads.

I actually find my internet age playgroups enjoyable, to me it doesnt matter what kind of website it is, even if its on a triple X website, because I know how to use internet safety rules.

I think what Im trying to say is that non sexual age play groups are out there and are an option for those who may enjoy "playing house and parent child relationships" online rather than in their off the computer life.

Im not saying this is for everyone, everyone has their own things and coping tools on how to get their needs and wants met.

what I am saying is for those who enjoy internet groups and internet roll playing / age play this is an option.

[amandalouise]

Ever try looking for a mother figure but then still not find what you are looking for?

there are some people and some situations where it it impossible to find that mother figure. the person doesnt want or cant ask their friends and family to age play a mother daughter relationship and they dont or cant get their needs met through the internet and therapy just isnt helping. what next?

I have found it helpful in this situation to look with in my own defining of what mothering is and look towards being my own mother.

what is a mother ... a person who ....

gives unconditional love
looks out for someones best interest
good listening skills
invokes a feeling of calmness
takes care of the basic survival needs of food clothing shelter.
helps a person to feel a sense of value, worth,...

wow thats quite a list to live up to right? well lets think about this for a moment....

When I wake up in the morning do I wake up in a place that I call home? yes I have met my own shelter needs.

Do I have clothing to wear? yes I have met my own clothing needs.

Do I have food to eat (whether or not I choose to cook or eat it doesnt matter for mothering, its about supplying the basic needs) yes I have met my own shelter needs.

Do I listen to myself? yes I do listen when my normal internal voice says things like I need to go shopping, I'm hungry, I like this, oh shoot I shouldnt have done that.... not to mention before I was integrated I listened and heard the voices in my head talking to each other and to me. Yes I have have good listening skills and use them to know what I need to do.

when triggered do I use tools to help invoke a sense of calm in me? yes I use breathing, yoga, recognizing what is causing me to be triggered, taking care of what is causing me to be triggered, I row my boat on the lake and smell apples and cinnamon to help calm me, I have many ways that I recognize when I am triggered and need to calm down. I use many ways to invoke calmness in me.

Do I feel a sense of love, self esteem and self worth in me.... Yes I do many things for myself that shows I love and care about myself and feel I am worth it. I have a job that gives me financial stability so I can supply myself with things that I love, when I look in the mirror I can find at least one or two things about myself that I love, (no one is perfect so I do not look at my body for the perfect body image) I have a place in my family as a mother wife, woman....for which I feel I have my own sense of worth and self esteem. I am in many internet groups where I feel it is worth my time and efforts to help others and gather help for myself when in need (other wise I would not be in those groups)

I show myself love, self esteem and self worth also by doing things I love to do....like talking walks, eating right, getting enough sleep, reading, writing, arts and crafts, sitting down with a coloring book and crayons both with my children and on my own, listening to music that I enjoy, traveling in the summer with my family, taking my family on special trips to see santa claus at christmas, decorating my home for the holidays and special occasions, celebrating birthdays, promotions and other special days, going to a broadway show, taking myself and my family out to dinner......

yes providing myself with love, self esteem and self worth is something I do every day of my life from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed (if I didnt I wouldnt be well fed, well clothed, happy being a wife, mother and lesbian, treatment provider, and to top it off if I didnt supply myself with these things I would not be on the internet posting helping others and gathering help for myself. where would I be? dead or in a vegetative state in some long term care facility. people who do not provide their self with love, self esteem and self worth dont struggle to survive. its normal to ...feel .... like you dont have those things but the human being species can not survive with out having the will to survive and that will to survive is a persons sense of love, self esteem and self worth.

my point.... when I am struggling to find that mother figure and my wife, friends and family cant supply it, or what htey are doing hasnt filled that need in me, I look to me to mother myself. I check to see whether there is something that I should be doing for myself that I havent been doing lately. usually it comes down to I havent been eating correctly for me or not getting enough sleep or using my self nurturing tools.

[Sarah Bee]

Thank you for this thread. Especially your last post. One of our others, Leigh, was looking online about ten years ago for a Daddy but the sites she found online always included a sexual aspect, to which our main self got scared off when she realized what Leigh was doing. We have some insiders who also crave that mommy we never had. I think it is very helpful to look at ourselves and see that we have been mothering ourselves since the first dissociative episode in life. It is extremely important to give ourselves credit.
Our main self always doubts herself as a mother to our daughter yet daughter is secure, safe, healthy, and happy, and she has a good healthy attachment with us and a strong loving bond.
I, as our usual spokesperson, am grateful for this thread, amandalouise. Thank you.

- Sarah