Our great contradiction

We are so inner judging...judging on how what being said or done can possibly look to outside observers...writing an actors part on a the go or inprov....worried about appearance sake considering the various input from multiple sources of personalities....

We often have cross judgements on the things we write, post, say, do....that we negate said items.

In a way....we often disapprove the words or actions of our Others so much that we are stumped and do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. We are dis-harmonious, much like how the media portrays America....but this is for real.

We are afraid of offending one another and drawing negative attention to ourselves because its a stressor that we can't deal with. Our inner world is seldom at peace...too many parts, positions, beliefs, opinions, emotions, views....taking a deep breath is seldom satisfying.

Often setting out to self-expression, doings or goals are met with waves of inner doubt, fear....resistance...that when writing our paper stays creatively blank. Here, I'm just reporting the facts is why too I can write this. Any form of opinion would be met with great judgement and resistance even though telling on ourselves is not approved by the shadow ones.

So, we are always held in queue...as always....unable to do anything....even though we want...there is 10 times the more not want. We stagnante.

This judgyness do cross over into the outer world, but we try to inner verbally stop and rebuke it once aware and noticed, always telling ourselves to quit judging people by how they look or behave....out of jealousy actually.

That is it....jealousy. The way people dress wishing that they could do the same, especially the female alters...their desires turned to anguish and disgust is well felt. Littles feel denied, and the males are shocked and emgarrassed to disgusted of such thoughts....we are a walking contradiction.

Jealous of happy people, successful people, ultimately... jealous of singletons.

This brings us to embarrassment. Because of our inner diversity, our level of embarrassment is a constant that swells in waves but to never quite dissipate...so much that we are constantly innerjudging and reacting over whats said, body did,....and yes, even thoughts!

When there is "want to"", there is often opposition based on fears AND disapproving.

So ultimately, we do nothing, say nothing, write nothing, because we fear of being judged by our own words, ways, actions, thoughts, ideas, appearance, expressions...from inside and outside worlds.

We are the worst of what we hate....hence our great contradiction.

Oh well. Whats another day in paradise. I cant believe we write such depressing shiit. Tell you what...I'll make sure that we don't post here or anywhere again, unless its okay.

Of course it's okay AC2...always. Been out of town for five days and came back to a crisis but I'm listening.

Thanks okay it's all right. We just need to de-exist.....denied.

Oh...I pray and hope that it was greatly okay for your world. Thanks for your welcomed concern.

I quit my job two weeks ago - couldn't physically do it any longer. Doctor says I can't work at all any longer but disability has been denied for four years now (still appealing) and he's not paying my bills, ya know? Anywho, the wife and I are on one salary now and it's significantly less than I was making and we were barely making it then (if you count having no running water or heat 'making it').

So, I traveled to the other side of the state to see if I could make some money doing something significantly easier on my body. Worked out okay but came back a day early when my wife's 7am call didn't come in and I couldn't reach her. Drove seven and a half hours to find her in a meth induced psychosis. She had been clean for two years.

Can't work here because the work is too physically demanding. Can't leave to go to work because she can't be left alone. Oh, did I mention she's on parole and a dirty UA equals life without the possibility of parole in her case?

Ah well, life goes on doesn't it? I share a life of turmoil with you.

Alwayschanging,

I know there are phases and levels to anything to speak on the jealous issue. I think you have to realize at one point there was, maybe this is jealous and leads in to the ptsd issue especially if you think you all have worked an area that they have changed some wha. At the end of the day you have to deal with the why's yea you do some communicating on how not to be . I just don't beleive folks are not jealous all that much some of it is to just understand what happened in our youth since children beleive everything. It is the way we are if your systems is the disruptive type then try to not share as much. If someone deserves to be told off you gotta protect urselves all of it has a toll on our overall well being.

Iff an alter has told off someone then they have varying needs to be how their are espeically if society gives them nothing but hel*. If you shared too much too soon then they understand that you can't too much with dealing with what you have to deal with.

Yeah. I aint jealous. Screw everybidy is what I say. Who writes this ****. Im so outra here.

Always, Do you know how to center yourself and communicate with one alter/persona/other (whatever terminology you prefer to use)? If you can, find out what it is each one fears will happen if you communicate with the "outside", and try to calm them. If they say they have no fear, simply ask why they do not want you then, and go from there. Once you have spoke to them all, form a plan that is a compromise of sorts taking into account the needs of all and satisfying all needs. Inform everyone what you have come up with and make sure it is satisfactory. If so, tell everyone to follow that plan. Then all of you are working together and able to communicate both within and without peaceably.