Last thread has reached well over 100 pages so here is a brand new thread

[possum220]

Been skulking around this site. Doing some d b t stuff. If the last session of splitting in group is any indication, the next module is going to be a doozy.

[Kiya]

Thank you for the redirect!!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by possum220

Been skulking around this site. Doing some d b t stuff. If the last session of splitting in group is any indication, the next module is going to be a doozy.

I hear ya. Mine's tomorrow. Starting new module. I don't even know which. I did have to step out last week during mindfulness :/
I ...I hate DBT. But it seems to be working. Up until it doesn't.
In solidarity!!

[yagr]

Can someone tell me what the purpose and any guidelines within this thread is? I want to share some things going on in my life right now and I think this might be the place to do so but I'm not sure and would like to be.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by yagr

Can someone tell me what the purpose and any guidelines within this thread is? I want to share some things going on in my life right now and I think this might be the place to do so but I'm not sure and would like to be.

This is the place you can share some things that are going on in your life right now... especially if you don't want the focus of an entire thread to be about what you post. You may or may not get responses in this thread.

[Amyjay]

I am trying to remind my parts that our T is leaving. I don't think everyone is convinced. It feels like some parts don't get it yet and I m concerned there is going to be a lot of freaking out going on next week when reality hits them in the face.

[yagr]

Thanks Amyjay, I appreciate you taking the time to explain this thread to me and sorry for the upheaval in your life right now re: your T. It took me a half century to find a T that was a good fit, I know that many of us would be devastated if she were leaving. Ironically, we are currently facing a situation that has the potential to result in us losing our T as well. Well, this is probably going to be very long...apologies to those who hate long posts.

I'm disabled. I was diagnosed with a very rare, particularly nasty, incurable and untreatable auto-immune disease about four and a half years ago. It's kind of an evil cousin of MS. My muscles don't work well any longer and the auto-immune is kicking the heck out of my other organs resulting in chronic heart disease (I've had five heart attacks in the last five years), chronic kidney disease, chronic liver disease, chronic lung disease, etc. etc. My doctor tells me that I can't work but he's not paying the bills and I've been fighting Social Security Disability for over four years now so, I had to go to work a bit over a year and a half ago as the last of my savings became depleted.

A year and a half of working almost destroyed me, and after two heart attacks in July, I had to finally quit. I still can't survive without income though and so, I had to come up with another plan. Fortunately, I had one. I've played poker professionally for twenty-four years, though not in the last eleven years. I live in a location now that doesn't have poker games that are large enough to make any kind of a living at regardless of how good you are. I was very good however, I had a poker boot camp in Las Vegas, have written a successful book, and written probably a hundred fifty articles on poker for various magazines as a pro columnist. The nearest real poker room is about 300 miles away...

So, I took the meager savings I had accumulated over the last year and a half working, found the cheapest hotel within fifty miles of the casino, and made the drive about two weeks ago. I planned on staying for five days but ended up staying only four days because...

My wife has a tendency to blow up my phone whether I am busy or not. We made arrangements for her first call of the day at 7am at the hotel every day. We would talk or text throughout the day as well, but that was our morning call. She doesn't miss calling me - ever. Like I said, if I tell her that I am very busy and could she wait for my call, she'll give me a call to let me know that she is about to give the dog a bath or some other emergency that can't wait. I'm used to it and accept it, but the calls and texts are incessant. The 7am call didn't come. She didn't answer when I called and texted either. Not at 7am, not at 8am, or even 9am. She can be irresponsible, but never with calling me. By noon I was convinced that something was wrong.

I was supposed to be working (playing poker) but couldn't concentrate so that wasn't happening. I finally got a hold of someone to go over and check on her. No answer at the door, but her truck is in the driveway and her horses are in the pasture. I had them go into the house and look for her. They found her in the bedroom with the door locked. It was 2:30pm by the time I talked to her on the phone and she was in a meth induced psychosis. She had been clean for almost two years.

I was on my way home by now. The poker run was successful, I made about $2000 for the four days, although almost half of that went to hotel, gas, eating out...and other various expenses. I made it home to find blankets, boxes and towels over every inch of the floor and her trying to kill the imaginary rattlesnakes that were hiding under the blankets, boxes and towels with a machete. I waited to have the talk in the morning.

So, in the morning, I told her that this was the last time. I told her that I loved her, but if she chose drugs over our marriage one more time, I would walk. I've never given her an ultimatum before - heck, I've never given anyone I love an ultimatum before. It was really difficult and hurt my heart terribly. To make matters worse, she is on parole (for life) and faces life without the possibility of parole if she turns in a dirty UA. It puts my life in jeopardy and a cloud of uncertainty that is very uncomfortable.

Anywho, I went back to the poker room the following week and had about the same results. I stayed for only three days and picked up $1800, giving up another $700 in expenses. I got myself on a waiting list for an RV campground and will move my travel trailer there when an opening comes up, though I'll have to pay someone to move it the three hundred miles because my wife's truck won't make it. Nevertheless, it's $395 a month and it'll save me almost $1500 a month in hotel costs.

Unfortunately, it is better for me to play on the weekends when the games are better, but my wife works four ten hour shifts, Monday through Thursday, so I am going to be gone on every one of her days off (though I am taking this week off). She has too many animals to go with me, though I don't really know what she would do while I'm working. She is too afraid to be by herself and sitting behind me wouldn't work because she would be bored out of her skull and would be a major distraction for me while I'm trying to concentrate on the game.

So, afraid to leave her alone because of what I may come home to and can't take her with me. Incidentally, I'm also trying to register for school (Winter Quarter starting in January 2018) and running into problems trying to get my transcripts from thirty-five years ago. We do have one bright spot. Thursday we have someone coming out to dig us a well; we've been without running water for two years now.

One last thing... The weather is so much better where I'm working (playing poker) and I actually feel fairly good when I'm there in spite of my health issues. The cooler temps help a lot and it is, on average, twenty degrees cooler there. I'd love to move but we really can't. The wife is on parole, she has absolutely destroyed her credit, and every place one would like to live requires a criminal background check and credit check - she can't pass either one. On top of that, she has two horses and two dogs and that's a bit much for any rental. Not to mention I'd lose my T if I were to move. I'd do it for my health but it would be a great loss. But I feel so much better when I'm there, I don't want to come home.

So, lots going on. Most of it is very stressful and I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed. I'm dealing with it but I'd really appreciate it if life settled down and I could have an easy month coming up real soon. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and...

[yagr]

Okay, it's long. Probably too long. But I could still use a hug. Please.

[Amyjay]

Woah. Definitely sending some hugs your way. That is SO much to deal with and juggle and manage. The whole situation sounds very very very hard. I can see that taking care of your most basic life needs (food, water, shelter, safety) is an ongoing struggle and challenge. Life in a first world country should NOT be that way!!!
I am glad you are getting a well. May your well give you and your wife plenty of fresh, clean water whenever you need it.

[TrailRunner14]

My heart is breaking.

[yagr]

What's wrong TR?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by yagr

What's wrong TR?

Too much for words right now.

Somehow it's my fault.

It means much that you are there.

Thank you!!

we are finally back on the site (we found a way that we can use it without clicking in that box we hated)

of course, it involves us using internet explorer (a brouzer we hate), but if it means we can post here..

we are just happy summer is over now and the cooler weather is on it's way.

really helps our mood when the weather is cooler and the nights are darker.

we're still not sleeping (which is probably our biggist issue at the moment), but apart from that, (and losing lots of time), we hope that at least until Christmas we can live some sort of a normal life (maybe?)

we were also ill for the past 3 weeks with a vomiting bug.

sucks, especially when you're actually really hungry

oh right

and we hurt our leg- we fell and it hurts.

on top of our current pain issues.... ow

[TrailRunner14]

My heart is truly breaking.

Is there any pain worse than seeing your babies hurting and not being able to pick them up and hold them?

They grow up and become men and are confident and self assured. They are amazing!

When their heart hurts I see them when they were little and needed comfort. I gave it with love and kisses. I picked him up and held him.

I can't pick him up and hold him now.

He is being strong and confident but I see it in his eyes.

I so wish I could.

*tears

[Amyjay]

hopelessness.
powerlessness.
trapped.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

hopelessness.
powerlessness.
trapped.

(((Anyjay)))

Tonight I felt that with my counselor, working through some things. I got home and let my mind pour into my journal. What felt like hopelessness and powerlessness turned into me it in a different way.

I'm not I'm not in a really good place myself just yet, but I feel it coming.

It's going to be ok for me.

I pray it is for you too.

[Solnutty]

Finally halfway "met" the one that was causing chest pain and interfering with some of us being in the front. This one is no where near communicating yet, but it's a start.

[Amyjay]

I am struggling so much with the termination of T. It is like a death. Not of T but of myself. I can't face my selves without that support. I don't trust I can find it with new t. The system has shut down.

[TrailRunner14]

It's 12:30 and I don't want to go to bed.

It feels like everything is falling apart.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL SAFE!!!!!

I don't know how to find that.

Things are so screwed up here right now.

It's going to be ok.

I truly believe that. I really do.