[Loose Screw x 2]

I want to start by thanking the creators/managers of these forums, of this website and of this service. Thank you for this, for making a safe haven online where people like us can come to learn and to read of others experiences and to try to offer some level of comfort and be comforted.
And also a forum is only as good as it's members so, thank you to everyone here and for being there for one another and supporting one another.
For years I have been looking for a place where I fit in, in everyday life and online and just when everything seems right it all falls apart.
Story of my life.
However, I feel that here is a place where I can be honest with not just everyone else but, with myself as well.
There are parts of me that feel that I'm going to screw this up or already have by sharing so much about what it's like to be 'me' or 'us'. I can't help it.
I see what is happening now. This tightly ordered mind, this careful, well ordered, perfectionist mind is cracking under the various stresses that we have been dealing with from years upon years of abuse. I'm cracking up. I can feel it. I'm coming apart at the seems. I'm malfunctioning, on the verge of a meltdown and desperately need repair. I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm taking abuse from my landlord, my brother with his ignorance, temper and refusal to understand, abuse from other family members who 'think' they know what they are talking about but, haven't a clue, guilt trips being laid on me for 'being selfish' and 'feeling sorry for myself/selves', people 'listening' to me but, not hearing me, nobody making any real effort to help, nobody calling to see how I'm doing, my mental health facility not offering one on one therapy anymore, the local hospital psyche ward staff treating their patients with little to no compassion, no one in my family trying to help me to get out of these terrible living conditions, no one in my hood wanting to sell me cigarettes, turning to drinking to calm my nerves and mind, trying to eat right so that I don't loose my limbs or have a heart attack, my rights being taken away little by little by an abusive family member that I 'have' to live with because I can't work and can't afford to live on my own, falling out of love and trust with God... Is it any wonder that I prefer sleep and delusions to reality?
I just don't know what I'm going to do.

[fille_folle]

Can you apply for disability?

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by MavriforceK9r

I just don't know what I'm going to do.

What do you want to do?

[L.P.]

I have no solid advice, sorry, but I can say I hear you, I see you. Listening. I wanted to say to, I'm glad to hear that you feel like you can come here, be honest, give and get support. Even when it doesn't feel like it, being able to speak up is huge. Being able to say, yeah, things are not so swell right now, that is huge. So I hope that in the middle of all the not so great, you can take a moment to be good to you, find something nice to do for you, because you deserve that... this stuff is not easy and to say you have a lot going on sounds like an understatement. I'd be flipping out that's for sure. Sorry things are crashing down right now, and I hope it comes to some kind of end/resolution asap, but in the meantime, really kudos on being able to speak up and glad you found a place where you can. Wishing you well in this.

-Avery

[Loose Screw x 2]

Thank you for the advice and comforting words. I came here this morning ready to clean up Dan's mess. He is very ashamed of his previous posts and last night told DH (Our dark part) that he was ready to do whatever he said and wouldn't fight him any more. The two introjects/protectors didn't like it but, he just wouldn't listen any more. I believe that he has -no. I *know* that he has given up hope. He's put up with a lot of garbage, not just in childhood abuse but, as a youth as well when he was severely bullied and didn't fight back. There is a lot of shame over that and very hard feelings toward the bullies and those who refused to help. He also had some abusive school teachers. The kind of people who were themselves disturbed or just plain cruel. Dan hasn't named me but, my function is mainly damage control. I fix things, calm him down, clean up messes when too much information has been released, stuff like that.
I can feel his anxiety right now. I may just have to stick around for a while or today at least. He's frightened and I can't really blame him. He's particularly upset about the posts of his perceived mate or inner mate as he refers to her. He wants me to fix that but, we have the code about honesty, mainly put in place by Dan himself. Honesty is very important to him and he'll use it even when he knows it could end up working against him. I think that deep down it's about honor, respect. Things like that.

To answer your questions. fille folle, we are on dissability and have been for a while. Our OCD, nerves and other problems make us unable to work.
You'd never notice if you met us in person/s. We've learned how to hide our various problems and to read emotions in others. It's very important to us that our readings are accurate and not simply perceived as accurate. This skill has helped out in more ways than one and even helped us to comfort others when we see pain in their eyes or hear it in their tone. Dan struggles to be good because he hates wickedness. In his mind or way of thinking evil must be destroyed. Not evil people but evil itself. In his moments of despair last night he believed himself -he doesn't want me to say it. Well, maybe he'll let it out later when he feels comfortable to do so.

To Amyjay, what do I want to do? Well, since it was Dan's post. I tyhink that he wants to hang back today and let me or G or someone else sale the ship. I think he just wants some therapy and the sooner the better.
He really is at the end of his rope. We are scheduled to see our doctor near the end of the month but, it's getting out of hand in here and we don't feel like we can hold out until then. We think that we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

L.P., Thank you for the words of comfort. It has helped. Dan is starting to calm down now.

We thank you all again for your responses. You have helped us today. Thanks again.