I stuck up for myself with the SO guy

This is a relationship topic, but it's all mixed up in dissociation stuff so yeah, here it is...

I have a spouse who is an interesting person, really great in a lot of ways... but he also hides things and lies about things sometimes... some big things, some not so big things. Given that I am a person with trust issues this is a huge thing for me. Not that lying/hiding is a non issue for people with no trust issues, because really, I think lying in a marriage is huge regardless, but just saying I probably react worse to this than your average person, and will probably have a harder time getting over it. I know this. The SO guy knows this as well. But he still does it every few months about whatever. It's a problem.

The night before last, I caught him doing something I knew he was hiding from me for over a wee now. A thing I would not have cared about at all had he just told me. The thing itself is not a big deal. The hiding is the problem. I busted him, I asked him how long he'd been doing that, he said he hadn't. I called him on that as well. He lied to my freakin face and to say it made me angry is an understatement. Yesterday I told him how and why it bothered me, how I have zero idea how I am supposed to love a guy I do not trust and I clearly do not and cannot trust him and I have no idea if this is something I can forgive and forget and move on from. I have no clue if he is worth the time, energy and effort. I don't think he is willing or able to work on himself and stop engaging in hurtful, selfish, childish ways. And that's what it always comes down to, the hiding, the lies, big or small... he just doesn't feel in that moment in time, like dealing so he just says whatever he feels like saying so he doesn't have to deal. Not cool.

Yesterday was kinda rough because even though I have zero patience for this crap from him, one of our younger ones really likes the guy and goes back to that whole mindset of, he's nice so it's okay, people make mistakes so it's ok because no one is perfect. Then there is a part of me who starts the internal mantra of 'what i want, what i think, what i need doesn't matter'. Part wants to turn this back on me like I'm overreacting so it's all my fault anyway. It's always easier for me to blame me than other people. So yeah, yesterday fluctuated between almost table throwing angry (I managed to throw nothing at his head, so yay me), trying to not scream and yell (I think I only got loud and irrational once), to bursting out in tears, to chugging absinthe, to sleeping, to numb. It was rough, but I communicated, spoke up, and yeah. Progress. I think.

So far today I'm not feeling anything about it one way or another. I'm not sure if this is healthy and I'm just coping and understanding there isn't much here to be sad or mad about anyway... or if I have just detached from it. It's weird, I knew I was wanting to deal with my trust issues and work on that, I just didn't think it would necessarily end in me contemplating divorce. Hm. I know what I want to do, what I need to do for me... I'm worried though that I'll just cave on this and go to some default mode and tolerate this stuff again until next time it happens and I go and fall apart again, and wash rinse repeat. I dunno. Just where I am this morning about this.

If you got through this, thank you. I know no one can tell me what to do, and I'm not looking for that... I'm just putting this out here to hold myself accountable and help ease my concerns that this will just vanish from my mind. I've lost a lot of thoughts that way...

-Avery

Your stress over all of this sounds similar to things that I put up with in my home. I tend to do myself the same way by over thinking stuff and not doing what I know is best for me. I always put myself last even when I try not to. It makes me feel weak and like I don't truly have any self love or the healthy kind of self love that others obviously have. I'm not married but, the crap that I take off of my live-in brother makes me feel like I am. IMO there are few things in the world that are worse than a liar. I'm no marriage counselor but, what you describe doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to me. You deserve better.

Well, the SO is staying with his mom... he plans to come back Monday to get more of his things. The conversation I had with him was brutal, heartbreaking kind of brutal. I had this aha moment and I saw, like really saw for the first time how very much I mean it when I say I do not trust him and it goes so far beyond my own trust based issues and that's sad to me. Sad that I never saw it like that before, sad that I allowed it for so long now. I mean he and I have been married for about fifteen years. I'm not mad at him right now and I don't wanna be because there really is and has been so much good. He's a real cool cat and I like the guy. Hell, even with the trust stuff not being there, I love him. I just couldn't do it. I can't do this again and I don't believe he will change and even if he could or would, I wouldn't believe that either. I'm gonna miss him. I think this would hurt less if I hated him or something, but I don't and I can't. Lies or not, he deserves better than hate and so do I.

I get these waves of ok, then sad, then I'm just trying not to throw up. I've been me all day. I'm getting emotions/ideas/stuff from others, but no one else is up front and center with me or showing up for awhile or whatever. I dunno. I'm still here... still dealing, but I am dealing and that's a good thing, I think. Little voices creep up and tell me to just let him come back and it will be ok, but it won't and I know it. I'm scared of new, of change, even when the change will ultimately be for the better. Eh but it's more than that as well. It's easy to tell myself it's me being crazy or not so bad because deceit doesn't leave bruises or whatever... that 'could be worse' mentality. He got me all mucked up tonight. Progress really hurts.

-Avery

Well, hopefully things will get better from here on out. Maybe you should get some rest.