[peaches100]

I have dissociation problems, which my t and I have been working on. I am co-conscious much of the time but not always. What I mean is that I don't exhibit some of the most severe manifestations of DID...such as suddently "coming to" and not knowing where I am. However, I do zone out for sometimes long periods of time. During these zone out times, I am either stuck in my head and not aware of my physical surroundings or I sometimes experience two parts of myself with opposite action urges, so I can feel "locked" in a conflict between those two parts of me until either one part of me wins, or until somehow I can break out that zone. To give an example, a part of me wants to email my t. Another part of me, which I think of as my normal adult self, says No, it's not a good idea, it's not necessary, don't be needy, etc. Then the younger parts gets upset and emotional and starts typing the email anyway. So then I (adult part) erase it and say No again, or else removes out of the email anything that is unacceptable and rewords it so it does not sound stupid and embarrassing. But other part won't take No for an answer. And back and forth. This could last as long as 3-4 hours without a break, although it doesn't usually last nearly that long.

But anyway, I'm digressing. My question is ...shoot...what was my question? Oh yeah. Once in awhile, I've had an odd experience that has always happened in the morning in the bathroom when I have showered and am getting ready for work. It has only happened maybe 4 or 5 times in the last couple of years. But when it does happen, it is terrifying and leaves me very confused, scared, and feeling like I'm losing my mind.

What happens is that suddenly, my heart will start pounding, I will feel increasing anxiety, and then, just for maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a picture will appear in my mind. Something inside me then gets a horrible deja vu feeling and a thought like, "I remember this happening!" But somehow, I still have enough awareness to realize that whatever the picture is showing, it is not something I remember (my normal adult self). So I try to look at the actual picture to see clearly what it is showing. But the minute I (normal me) tries to see the picture, it fades away.

By then, I feel shaky and very scared. I can feel my heart racing and I start feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. I have an awful sense of doom, and it feels like I am disoriented, like living in two different realities or something. Only I can't make sense of what is going on. At that point, I usually sit down on my bed and deep breathe until the terrified and unreal feelings go away. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes before I am mostly OK again. But weird uneasy feelings often linger all day behind the scenes.

Like I said, when it has happened, it is almost always in the morning when I am showering, dressing, and getting ready for work. When it comes on, it feels pretty much the same way every time. And every time, when I get that picture in my mind, and one part of me says, "Yes, I remember that bad thing happening, but I try to see the picture for myself, it goes away.

Can anybody tell me if this would be considered a flashback of something that likely did happen to me as a child...and some part of me recognizes it, while my normal self doesn't have that awareness of what happened? I don't think it's a panic attack because although I have anxiety problems, I don't experience panic attacks. Because this experience happens the same way every time, it seems more like a memory. But I just don't know.

It really bothers me because it is so disturbing, yet I just can't see what the picture is long enough to understand what it (and the awful deja vu feelings) are about.

If it helps any, I know I have bee diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD, but I also have in addition to that either DDNOS or co-conscious DID. I've been kind of afraid to come right out and ask my t which diagnosis fits.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I have dissociation problems, which my t and I have been working on. I am co-conscious much of the time but not always. What I mean is that I don't exhibit some of the most severe manifestations of DID...such as suddently "coming to" and not knowing where I am. However, I do zone out for sometimes long periods of time. During these zone out times, I am either stuck in my head and not aware of my physical surroundings or I sometimes experience two parts of myself with opposite action urges, so I can feel "locked" in a conflict between those two parts of me until either one part of me wins, or until somehow I can break out that zone. To give an example, a part of me wants to email my t. Another part of me, which I think of as my normal adult self, says No, it's not a good idea, it's not necessary, don't be needy, etc. Then the younger parts gets upset and emotional and starts typing the email anyway. So then I (adult part) erase it and say No again, or else removes out of the email anything that is unacceptable and rewords it so it does not sound stupid and embarrassing. But other part won't take No for an answer. And back and forth. This could last as long as 3-4 hours without a break, although it doesn't usually last nearly that long.

But anyway, I'm digressing. My question is ...shoot...what was my question? Oh yeah. Once in awhile, I've had an odd experience that has always happened in the morning in the bathroom when I have showered and am getting ready for work. It has only happened maybe 4 or 5 times in the last couple of years. But when it does happen, it is terrifying and leaves me very confused, scared, and feeling like I'm losing my mind.

What happens is that suddenly, my heart will start pounding, I will feel increasing anxiety, and then, just for maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a picture will appear in my mind. Something inside me then gets a horrible deja vu feeling and a thought like, "I remember this happening!" But somehow, I still have enough awareness to realize that whatever the picture is showing, it is not something I remember (my normal adult self). So I try to look at the actual picture to see clearly what it is showing. But the minute I (normal me) tries to see the picture, it fades away.

By then, I feel shaky and very scared. I can feel my heart racing and I start feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. I have an awful sense of doom, and it feels like I am disoriented, like living in two different realities or something. Only I can't make sense of what is going on. At that point, I usually sit down on my bed and deep breathe until the terrified and unreal feelings go away. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes before I am mostly OK again. But weird uneasy feelings often linger all day behind the scenes.

Like I said, when it has happened, it is almost always in the morning when I am showering, dressing, and getting ready for work. When it comes on, it feels pretty much the same way every time. And every time, when I get that picture in my mind, and one part of me says, "Yes, I remember that bad thing happening, but I try to see the picture for myself, it goes away.

Can anybody tell me if this would be considered a flashback of something that likely did happen to me as a child...and some part of me recognizes it, while my normal self doesn't have that awareness of what happened? I don't think it's a panic attack because although I have anxiety problems, I don't experience panic attacks. Because this experience happens the same way every time, it seems more like a memory. But I just don't know.

It really bothers me because it is so disturbing, yet I just can't see what the picture is long enough to understand what it (and the awful deja vu feelings) are about.

If it helps any, I know I have bee diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD, but I also have in addition to that either DDNOS or co-conscious DID. I've been kind of afraid to come right out and ask my t which diagnosis fits.

yes in me this would be called having a flashback, not related to my dissociative issues. the reason why my treatment providers call it not related to my dissociative issues is because this happened to me before I was integrated and also continues to happen after all my alters have been integrated. in my treatment providers words even non dissociative people can have flashbacks that cause heart palpitations (the thumping/ pounding/ fast beating of the heart), anxiety and a sense of remembering but not remembering something. when i was remembering something that an alter was trying to share with me there wasnt any of this for me. it was just a fleeting thought image or feeling but yet at the same time I was having my dissociation symptoms of feeling numb (unfeeling physically and emotionally), spaced out, and a sense of disconnection from my body and what the alter was trying to share. Anyway thats how my treatment provider and I could tell the difference between whether the problems were flashbacks or related to my dissociation problems.

maybe you can do that too. we cant tell you what this is with in you, but you have what you need to figure out what this is with in you... maybe think about how you have your dissociation symptoms and whether this has happened before any time your alters tried to share something with you. maybe you can remember the times when you have had flashbacks before and whether this has any of the same things about it. also treatment providers are a great resource for things like this, if you have a treatment provider maybe they can look in your files to see if something similar has happened before and what it was called, or what they called it those other times when it has happened to you that you mentioned in your post.

[Amyjay]

Hi Peaches, I am not an expert but the experience you describe sounds like it possibly could be a form of flashback to me. I wonder what it is about dressing/showering/the bathroom that triggers it?
I can relate to the coconscious battling that goes on around a conflict of some sort like writing to the T! I experience those conflicts too. Sometimes what I have done in the past(if it is about expressing a want or need to the therapist) I adult say "A little part wants to say _______ but an older part doesn't want them to do that because______ an another part is ashamed and embarrassed because _____. I like doing it that way because it honors each parts very honest and real perspective. Would something like that help in your emails?
I don't think it matters much whether the formal diagnosis is DDNOS or DID. They both have the same causes they both have the same kind of treatment and they are both valid real painful awful results of trauma. One just has more amnesia than the other. At the end of the day they both just really suck.

[kecanoe]

For me, bathing and dressing are likely times for flashbacks because, well, not having clothes on does make a person more vulnerable. Also the undressed state might have been part of the original event.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I have dissociation problems, which my t and I have been working on. I am co-conscious much of the time but not always. What I mean is that I don't exhibit some of the most severe manifestations of DID...such as suddently "coming to" and not knowing where I am. However, I do zone out for sometimes long periods of time. During these zone out times, I am either stuck in my head and not aware of my physical surroundings or I sometimes experience two parts of myself with opposite action urges, so I can feel "locked" in a conflict between those two parts of me until either one part of me wins, or until somehow I can break out that zone. To give an example, a part of me wants to email my t. Another part of me, which I think of as my normal adult self, says No, it's not a good idea, it's not necessary, don't be needy, etc. Then the younger parts gets upset and emotional and starts typing the email anyway. So then I (adult part) erase it and say No again, or else removes out of the email anything that is unacceptable and rewords it so it does not sound stupid and embarrassing. But other part won't take No for an answer. And back and forth. This could last as long as 3-4 hours without a break, although it doesn't usually last nearly that long.


But anyway, I'm digressing. My question is ...shoot...what was my question? Oh yeah. Once in awhile, I've had an odd experience that has always happened in the morning in the bathroom when I have showered and am getting ready for work. It has only happened maybe 4 or 5 times in the last couple of years. But when it does happen, it is terrifying and leaves me very confused, scared, and feeling like I'm losing my mind.


What happens is that suddenly, my heart will start pounding, I will feel increasing anxiety, and then, just for maybe 2 or 3 seconds, a picture will appear in my mind. Something inside me then gets a horrible deja vu feeling and a thought like, "I remember this happening!" But somehow, I still have enough awareness to realize that whatever the picture is showing, it is not something I remember (my normal adult self). So I try to look at the actual picture to see clearly what it is showing. But the minute I (normal me) tries to see the picture, it fades away.


By then, I feel shaky and very scared. I can feel my heart racing and I start feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. I have an awful sense of doom, and it feels like I am disoriented, like living in two different realities or something. Only I can't make sense of what is going on. At that point, I usually sit down on my bed and deep breathe until the terrified and unreal feelings go away. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes before I am mostly OK again. But weird uneasy feelings often linger all day behind the scenes.


Like I said, when it has happened, it is almost always in the morning when I am showering, dressing, and getting ready for work. When it comes on, it feels pretty much the same way every time. And every time, when I get that picture in my mind, and one part of me says, "Yes, I remember that bad thing happening, but I try to see the picture for myself, it goes away.


Can anybody tell me if this would be considered a flashback of something that likely did happen to me as a child...and some part of me recognizes it, while my normal self doesn't have that awareness of what happened? I don't think it's a panic attack because although I have anxiety problems, I don't experience panic attacks. Because this experience happens the same way every time, it seems more like a memory. But I just don't know.


It really bothers me because it is so disturbing, yet I just can't see what the picture is long enough to understand what it (and the awful deja vu feelings) are about.


If it helps any, I know I have bee diagnosed with C-PTSD and GAD, but I also have in addition to that either DDNOS or co-conscious DID. I've been kind of afraid to come right out and ask my t which diagnosis fits.

I also deal with dissociative issues and mine are a lot like you describe. I am co-conscious with parts of me that step forward most of the time. There have been some times that I was not "me" and do not have memory of it, but those times are not the norm.


I can relate very well to your description of parts wanting to email your T and other parts disagreeing. I've experienced that myself, usually when a part has come forward and is beginning to feel safe in connecting with my counselor. It has been a struggle in those times, because the adult me knows that it's late (it's usually after a session time and that part is really up front) and it could really wait. I've gone ahead and sent the email though, because I didn't want to feel the battle and I also wanted to validate that part and honor it's offer of trust. My counselor has been very understanding because I believe he knows why I am sending them.


I've also experienced times when something will come over me and I am in a frozen panic and have no idea why.


I haven't really had a recurring experience like you describe with the shower.


They are more random and I really can't figure out why it's happening.


I do consider them to be flashbacks of some sort. I just don't have an image to connect with it.


As I was typing this, I am remembering something that I listened to just a bit ago.


I'll see if I can find it again and edit this post and add it.


ETA: Here's that link.

Oops!! Sorry! Wrong link. I’ll leave it if someone would like to hear it. It’s good information about childhood trauma. Totally off topic but a good one.

Here’s the one I meant to post where they talk about the collages.

An art therapist is talking about healing from grief by using art. She was grieving the loss of her daughter and was looking for an outlet for the feelings that she had no words for.


She took magazines and flipped through them and cut out pictures that "spoke" to her and made a collage of how she was feeling and what her body was holding inside that she had no words for.


I don't know, just an idea, maybe a collage would open up the memory that gets shut down when you lean into it.


There is a memory for me that has no ending because a part of me steps in and shuts it down. I'm curious how this would work for me also.


Just a thought.

[Amyjay]

Just expanding on what Trailrunner suggested around cutting out pictures from magazines, I use pinterest as a way to gather images related to different parts of me. You can create a private board for an alter (no one can see it but you) and post any pictures to it that feel relevant (or they can too). We have boards for several alters an find it useful to get more of a sense of them and what they need. Maybe you could try that too?