[L.P.]

I wanna talk bout somethin that happen last week cuz we been tryin to figure that out and well i think i got some understanding about that.

So one time when we was a real for real kid this bad thing happen to us one time in a bathtub. The last group of us who was doin life back them five years ago or whatever well they spent time and worked hard dealin with that bad bathtub thing. But then when the group of us who are here now come around the only one of us who could get in a shower and not be set off was me. So i took charge and say yep i can do that and be responsible for showers and then after months of me doin that them other ones could do showers without gettin set off. Well we was thinkin victory! We aint gotta wash up only in the kitchen sink no more.

Then last week happened. One of us was sittin on the couch and all a sudden she get to thinkin bout this one other bad thing that happen to us back when we was a real for real teenager. And we was all well how come we thinkin bout this and why this thing in our heads and it was in all our heads not just the one on the couch and we was all woah. Then the one who was on the couch was flippin out real bad for hours n the whole week was bad but not as bad as the couch flip out time. We didnt even know how come we was all tense cuz its nott like the teenage thing was so bad.

i dont know how to do a trigger box thing to hide the teen bad thing that happen so i wont say it but somebody tried to do somethin to us and we got away. we was thinkin it was a win so we never think much about that bein a thing that bother us. Boy was we wrong. I dont know if itt bothers one of them otther ones of us in another group or if it bothers us n we never notice it cuz we busy dealin with other stuff but when i was thinking about it all n tryin to figure it all out i come to know some things that i think are real important.

I figured out them two things the kid thing and the teen thing that happen are mixed up with me because they both have things in common. Most important thing in common to me is that other people who was supposed to love us and care about us flat out dismiss us and make fun of us for bad things other people done did to us. In my system i feel small and invisible lots of the time and that hurts me a lot. So even when the bad things that happen to us got almost nothin in common they still got everything in common to me when its about people bein mean to us and ignorin us and actin all whatever to us like we not real people or nothin so it dont matter how we get treated. And i never think about them two things that happen in that way before. It was like somebody turn a light bulb on over my head and i had a big aha! moment cuz even tho lots of times i can think about lots of other things and how it hurts me cuz i was invisible i never think on them two things like that before. I still got lots of thinkin to do but im startin n im doin it n thats whats important.

So i got some new understandin goin on and its hard but its good cuz i know even when its hard its still big steps forward n thats good. Wish me luck in thinkin bout this? I got my safe stuff in place so if i fall apart i got a place to run and hide so it'll be ok. Its just scary is all.

NiKKi

From reading this post I see you get exactly what I was talking about in my other thread.

Those aha moments can be very helpful and healing.Good luck with thinking about(processing) this.

[L.P.]

Im glad i was understandin you right. Its harder for me to know if im knowin things right when im all stuck in small NiKKi mode. Lol. I get confused lots of the times but what you was sayin sure made sense to me. Im glad i was right n not all wrong.

Thanks for wishin me luck. I sure need it. Im doin ok right now and im glad i got to say all that i was sayin here without cryin all over the floor. Im real apart from it right now but who knows how long thats gonna last. At least this week wasnt so rough as other times have been. I think lots of that got to do with the hard work them ones in the last group did before. Its like each group of us works hard n then stuffs not so hard for the next group. It was still tough but not as bad as other times have been. Im glad for the hard work them other ones before me did. Then i know to that well if i work hard to then maybe it wont be so hard for somebody else later and that helps me know that yep i can do this. I gotta do this. Its important. Big steps hurt huh but you right it is helpful and healing. We can do it we can do it.

NiKKi

[Luce]

#yougotthis, Nikki!

[L.P.]

Thank you. That made me smile and i needed that this mornin.

Yesterday was rough but we did good i think. Nobody got so mad they acted up or nothin n nobody got so sad they well i dunno maybe i was the only one who got real sad. I didnt do nothin bad when i got sad. I drew some pictures and put some words i was thinkin on them. It was hard for me to not go runnin around tryin to do stuff so id stop with my bein sad and mad. Its not easy for me to say its ok for me to be sad and mad. I tried to let myself be them things n say it was ok for me to do that. That was hard to do.

So one big thing i been thinkin bout is how the one teenage thing that hapened its not what happen that got me all worked up. Its what somebody say to us after that happen that got me all worked up. It hurt my feelings. That one boy who said that to us well he hurt my feelings. I know that sound silly to be sayin but its important and big to me. Lots of us been takin pride in knowin couldnt nobody hurt us and actin all invincible and super hero tough about feelin nothin good or bad from other people. But i know better. I know other peole do got the power to hurt my feelings. That boy hurt my feelings he was our friend and he said really mean things after somethin bad happened to us. He made me feel like i was nothin less then dirt not a people nothin. Im breakin lots of old rules we made for us by sayin that and its hard to say it but its true and its ok now to break that old rule. Ok thats all i got to say about that right now. Thanks for listenin to me.

NiKKi

Awwww...just seen the title...

[L.P.]

Thank you. It still bein a rough week this week but its gonna be ok. We still got lots of confused goin on but we got them light bulb goin on over the head times to all mixed up in it. I know thats a good thing. I wish them light bulbs would stay on for longer then they do but i know thats me not bein patient. I know it would be bad if all them light bulbs turn on n then wed get way to much happenin all at one time n wouldnt be able to think about nothin at all. We gotta be takin them baby steps. I dont like that tho cuz i want everything done now and figured out now. Pluus im scared if i dont hang on to them light bulb times then they gonna go away forever n im gonna forget what i been rememberin n i know lots of how i go actin n thinkin now is all messed up from stuff i remember now and i gotta fix that n stop it. I like helpin. Its important that i be good and fix things i know are problems.

NiKKi

[OneMessedUpChicka]

My problem is I don't remember like anything. I remember bits and pieces. Do I remember much if anything about my childhood? No, I can remember small parts. My memory is so bad. I can't remember much details about anything. How am I supposed to figure this out if I can't remember much at all?