[peaches100]

Yesterday, my t told me I have DID. I'd been suspecting it for awhile, but kept thinking that I'm too high-functioning to have it. I have always worked a full-time job. Also, I exercise strict control over other parts of me. I do everything I can to hide those parts that could cause me embarrassment, shame, or make other people think I'm odd. Usually, the worst thing people notice about me is that I am very forgetful and don't notice things around me visually. At times, friends and even acquaintances have been offended when they said they saw me and I didn't speak to them. They assumed I was being snobbish when I actually didn't even realize they were there.

But besides being forgetful and kind of spacy, I doubt most people would suspect that there's something really wrong with me mentally. Part of that, though, is that I am good at keeping things superficial and not getting too close to people. I usually do not talk about my deeper thoughts or troubling feelings. There have only been maybe 6 people (that I know of) who definitely saw me when I switched. But those people seemed very surprised, worried, or disbelieving because I seemed so unlike myself. In one particular case, where I really opened up about my problems over a long period of time to a close friend, things ended very badly.

So anyway, I thought maybe I had DDNOS, but probably not DID, also because I don't show the extreme manifestations of it, like suddenly "coming to" and not knowing where I am or how I got there. My t and I both have known for a long time that I have dissociation problems though. My official diagnosis is C-PTSD. But I've been afraid deep down that maybe I do have DID. I asked my t about it several months ago, and she said she thought it was "a fair diagnosis." She didn't actually come out and say I had it, though, and I was afraid to ask anymore about it.

Recently, my t and I started going through the workbook "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation." We are only in chapter 2, but it has already discussed that dissociation exists on a continuum from normal daydreaming all the way to DID. It mentioned the difference between DDNOS and DID also. Since we were going to review the chapter, I decided I was going to come right out and ask her what my diagnosis is and if I have DDNOS or DID... or just the kind of dissociation common to C-PTSD. She told me I do have C-PTSD, but I have DID too.

She said she has not written down DID officially as a diagnosis when she bills my insurance company because she is not sure they would pay it. She has only my C-PTSD down. She said she can add DID, though, if I want her to. I said No, I don't want her to. If, down the road, my insurance doesn't want to pay for therapy anymore because they say I have been in therapy too many years already, then I would be willing to have her share my DID diagnosis if that would justify the need for me to continue therapy.

Although it didn't come as a surprise to me that I have DID, I feel kind of uneasy now that it has been verified. One part of me keeps thinking there's no way it could be true. I'm too high-functioning. To another part of me, it makes sense and explains why I've struggled with so many issues and have been in therapy so long, despite how hard I try to get well!

Before knowing about the DID, I felt a lot of shame over why I can't do more, get well faster, be stronger. I've felt that there is no excuse why I can't act and feel like a normal responsible adult all the time! I get disgusted with myself for being forgetful and spacy. When I do something dumb as a result, especially in front of people, I've felt embarrassed. I'm talking about stuff like trying to get into the wrong car, not remembering faces of people that I should recognize, or (gasp) the rare occasion when I get triggered and break down sobbing so hard I can't breathe, and can't seem to quit. I've only done that two or three times in front of people other than my t and my husband. But again, when I did, I saw their reactions. On one occasion like that, the person who was with me seemed to totally avoid me after that.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry! I don't even know what I'm trying to say, or what I need from you guys. In some ways, I'm doubtful. In some ways, I'm relieved. And in other ways, I feel really scared!

Do you think my t should add DID to my official diagnosis for my insurance company? Or do you think it would be disputed or require a bunch of extra evaluation, etc. for them to approve continued sessions? Do those of you with a DID diagnosis have it officially written down in their records for insurance purposes or not?

I'm surprised I am feeling this scared about having the diagnosis, seeing as I have suspected it for awhile.

There's no way I'd ever tell my parents or sister about it. They are all completely disregarding of my problems with mental illness. They avoid mentioning it at all or acknowledging that anything is wrong with me. They never mention the word therapy or ask me anything about sessions. I've mentioned here and there things about my depression or anxiety, or something I learned in therapy, but it is followed by dead silence.

A couple of times, when I tried to talk to my mom about my issues, she said nothing happened to me as a kid that would have caused any mental health problems. She said, "It is just your hormones. One day, you will wake up, and it will be gone." She also told me "I think my childhood was a lot more unusual than yours." Also, nobody in my family ever mentioned anything when I was hospitalized on a 72-hour hold back in 2002 for feeling suicidal. My husband told them about it, but they never mentioned a word to me about it, didn't ask why I felt so bad, what they could do to help, etc. Just...nothing. Like it didn't happen. That's kind of how my family acted when I was a kid and bad things happened. The next day, everybody would pretend nothing happened. It really messed with my head.

I apologize this is so long. Thank you for anybody who actually made it to the end of my message.

I don't know what to think. T says I have DID. FOO doesn't believe anything is wrong. Different parts of me feel different ways. My husband knows I have a dissociative disorder and has seen different parts of me. He doesn't know enough about the various diagnoses to know whether I have DDNOS or DID. He just knows it is a real problem for me. He says it doesn't make him love me less. He says he is more worried about me not accepting it.

Can somebody here reassure me or give advice or something? A part of me is really feeling scared.

Well, I may ramble a little too as I can really relate. Please take what I say as my experience of mes. First, IMHO you don't HAVE DiD. It's not a disease. DID describes how you function in this world. It's the reason you are so high functioning inspite of the blows this world subjected you to. BTW there really are a lot of us out there. People were always amazed at how much I could get done. I thought others were lazy or not trying. I don't get too close to people either for fear they will notice my differences. Recently, was out to eat with a group of neighbors & one mentioned I ordered something I told her before I didn't like. Panicsville! Then a normal said he didn't like it usually either but this restaurant made it just like his mother used to. Relief! There is nothing to be afraid of. The dx isn't going to change anything. You are well experienced being a DID! You have done it for years!! I've learned normals get spacey, misplace things, have trouble dealing with life and seek help. That new revelation came yesterday waiting in my T's busy office lobby: bet all of these people are normals..why are they here!!? Can't think of anything DID s do that normals don't do..maybe for a shorter time period, not as often, or not as well!
I would not add it to your insurance unless there was a problem with coverage as you mentioned. I operate on a need to know basis. Do they need to know? If not, it's none of their business.
I almost want to say welcome to the DID association..we are few but we are amazing!

[ruh roh]

Hi peaches, I would not ask to have the diagnosis recorded if you are getting therapy paid for already.

I relate to being so high functioning that my own DID diagnosis doesn't make sense. In fact, I have recently had a big come apart with my therapist over this because I no longer even think I have DID--there is literally no sense or evidence of it in my view--but she says I do and doesn't think I can do well if I try therapy by ignoring it. I didn't ask her, but it seemed that she has seen and experienced enough about me to cause this belief. On my end, I no longer see it and can't even grasp how it was I have been doing DID treatment for the past year and a half.

I came here today to see if there was anyone who had been diagnosed and treated for DID and then suddenly believe that it was a wrong diagnosis, so I apologize for bringing it into your post. But I think it speaks to the confusing nature of DID, especially for those who, as my therapist puts it, place a high value on functioning. I would cut off a limb in order to keep life running smoothly, if need be.

In other words, I think it's normal to question and good to question. The main thing is finding out what kind of treatment works for you, and if it's based on DID, then that's what matters most.

[dlantern]

I got a friend that worked at the funeral home. T thought she was high functioning , but it turns out that doesn't matter the mind/brain is very fragile if too much around those symptoms it can be a very quick fall to something extremely traumatic before recovering the kids traumas and the significant traumas along the way.. As for advice I'd just generally try to keep away from things of the senses until a certain point where you and system is safe to remain high functioning to do a reintro etc to the world.

[Amyjay]

So much to respond to in this thread!
Peaches, when I was first diagnosed it freaked me out even though I had suspected it for a while too. Having someone tell me "You have DID" made it all too real in a frightening way for me. I keep wanting to say "Uhhhh,.... really??"
I think that was partly because I had the idea that DID was this thing that was portrayed in the movies and books and I am -nothing- like that. I would have called myself a high-functioning social avoidant neurotic if anything. But what you see here with me {does a twirl} is what DID looks like apparently. This is it. Well one of the ways DID manifests itself in apparently normal people anyway. It doesn't come with bells and whistles on, just years and years of hidden-from-the-world pain.

Ruh roh, yesterday the alter who fronted at therapy doesn't believe she has DID. it was the first time she had been to t for a time long enough to sustain back and forth dialogue and T did her best to help her connect to us others. She just can't. She needs to live her life, to work, to play, to live, to be normal. She told t if everyone else would just go away she would be fine because that is the truth I suppose. You say you "suddenly" believe this is the wrong diagnosis. Does that mean that up until very recently you believed it was right? I wonder if you know what the difference is between now and then that made you change your mind to believe it is now wrong.
Because you know I hate to point it out to you but believing it was right and now believing it is wrong is kind of.... well case in point, really.

I have DID and have always functioned well and always been employed full time But I have ablut 40 alters. very DID, and very functional
Having DID is ok. youre still who you always thought you were. its just a label.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

So much to respond to in this thread!
Peaches, when I was first diagnosed it freaked me out even though I had suspected it for a while too. Having someone tell me "You have DID" made it all too real in a frightening way for me. I keep wanting to say "Uhhhh,.... really??"
I think that was partly because I had the idea that DID was this thing that was portrayed in the movies and books and I am -nothing- like that. I would have called myself a high-functioning social avoidant neurotic if anything. But what you see here with me {does a twirl} is what DID looks like apparently. This is it. Well one of the ways DID manifests itself in apparently normal people anyway. It doesn't come with bells and whistles on, just years and years of hidden-from-the-world pain.

Ruh roh, yesterday the alter who fronted at therapy doesn't believe she has DID. it was the first time she had been to t for a time long enough to sustain back and forth dialogue and T did her best to help her connect to us others. She just can't. She needs to live her life, to work, to play, to live, to be normal. She told t if everyone else would just go away she would be fine because that is the truth I suppose. You say you "suddenly" believe this is the wrong diagnosis. Does that mean that up until very recently you believed it was right? I wonder if you know what the difference is between now and then that made you change your mind to believe it is now wrong.
Because you know I hate to point it out to you but believing it was right and now believing it is wrong is kind of.... well case in point, really.

Thanks, amyjay. I can't actually understand how I believed it for so long. My therapist is so convinced that I have DID that I've been worried she has mental problems of her own. I do take your last point...it's just hard to accept. I'm not to thrilled with the idea that my therapist is a nutcase either, so it's been hard to reconcile.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Thanks, amyjay. I can't actually understand how I believed it for so long. My therapist is so convinced that I have DID that I've been worried she has mental problems of her own. I do take your last point...it's just hard to accept. I'm not to thrilled with the idea that my therapist is a nutcase either, so it's been hard to reconcile.

I don't think there is anything wrong with suspending all belief until if and when evidence to the contrary presents itself.

[amandalouise]

Peaches.... Im having one of those weeks where my perceptions are a bit off so I went back and reread some of your past posts..... some of them have statements that your treatment providers have mentioned or diagnosed you with DID in the past and have made comments according to your posts like.. you are half way between normal and DID and other references to DID by your treatment providers....

reason I point this out is you put the "shocked" emoji on your title.... it may seem shocking to be told this but you might want to take a moment and breath and reread your past posts. they may help you get past the shocked- ness of this. reading my past posts sometimes helps to ground me in the reality that what my treatment providers are saying is actually nothing new to me and to breath.

in your thread you asked ...
"Do you think my t should add DID to my official diagnosis for my insurance company? Or do you think it would be disputed or require a bunch of extra evaluation, etc. for them to approve continued sessions? Do those of you with a DID diagnosis have it officially written down in their records for insurance purposes or not?"

my answers I cant tell you whether you should or should not add DID to your official diagnosis list with the insurance. only you know what your insurance plan is and how they do things and what is best for you. what I can tell you is that......my own...... insurance company did have DID listed. you see the way my insurance company works is they dont pay per mental disorder, they pay per treatments I was / am given. example they dont pay out this much for my having PTSD, or that much for having bipolar and that much for my having MS. they pay for my treatments ....therapy time, medications, diagnostic evaluations when I need them, labs and scans... the lists and codes of mental and physical health problems on the forms just tells them things like why I need the meds, why I need the labs, why I need the therapy, ... they have never denied payment to my treatment providers for having this or that mental disorder, but they have denied treatments when the paperwork wasnt worded correctly.. my therapist said I was having flashbacks but listed my bipolar coding on the paperwork, the coding for PTSD symptoms is different than the coding for bipolar so the extra therapy sessions got denied. once this paperwork problem was taken care of where the problem matched the coding the sessions were approved.

my suggestion would be to look in your insurance member booklet and see what it says about what your insurance plan is and how it works. then you will have the information you need to decide what is best for you and your insurance. if you cant find your insurance member booklet contact the insurance company. they may send you another one.

[kecanoe]

Peaches, I am also a high functioning person with DID. It happens. And I also have parts that do not believe the diagnosis is correct. Writing that sounds funny!

For my insurance it doesn't matter what diagnosis is on the record. I see no reason to add the diagnosis unless it will help you get treatment. Insurance companies do have their data hacked once in a while, so why not keep it private?

My family of origin does not know my diagnosis. I have told very few people-only those who in my opinion need to know. Husband, pdoc, various Ts, best friend, GP. I don't really want to have to defend the diagnosis, nor do I want to upset them.

It is a hard diagnosis to hear. Like you, I tend to avoid people because I am embarrassed by my switching and dissociation.

It sounds like the book is helpful regardless of diagnosis; I'd keep on working on that. And perhaps at some point seek out a T who has experience with DID. The border between many disorders is fuzzy and there is a lot of overlap. A different provider might think differently.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by cavaliers

First, IMHO you don't HAVE DiD. It's not a disease. DID describes how you function in this world. It's the reason you are so high functioning inspite of the blows this world subjected you to.

There is nothing to be afraid of. The dx isn't going to change anything. You are well experienced being a DID! You have done it for years!!

Can't think of anything DID s do that normals don't do..maybe for a shorter time period, not as often, or not as well!

I just wanted to say thank you so much for this. I really needed this.

[Loose Screw x 2]

If your therapist thinks that you have DID then, It's a fair guess that you probably do and furthermore a lot of the stuff you describe going through sounds very much like DID. Be careful though trying to get others to validate your condition. There are a lot of people here who are caring and helpful but, there are a few who will be all up in your face, trying to question whether or not you really do just because you may not have some of the more common or extreme symptoms. I have some of the same symptoms that you describe but, no official diagnosis so I removed that from my profile and don't talk about it much. I've also stopped saying "alter" or "alters" much and now call what I'm experiencing "states". Anyway if your T says you have DID then, I would think it would make sense that it be reflected in all of your records of diagnosis. To me that just makes sense. As for your family giving you a hard time about being mentally ill, I went through that with my Dad and Step Mother over my OCD and the meds that I take for it and they wouldn't acknowledge my predicament either. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Some day they will realize that they were wrong or something similar may even happen to one of them and then, they will know how it felt to be like you.

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Yesterday, my t told me I have DID. I'd been suspecting it for awhile, but kept thinking that I'm too high-functioning to have it. I have always worked a full-time job. Also, I exercise strict control over other parts of me. I do everything I can to hide those parts that could cause me embarrassment, shame, or make other people think I'm odd. Usually, the worst thing people notice about me is that I am very forgetful and don't notice things around me visually. At times, friends and even acquaintances have been offended when they said they saw me and I didn't speak to them. They assumed I was being snobbish when I actually didn't even realize they were there.

But besides being forgetful and kind of spacy, I doubt most people would suspect that there's something really wrong with me mentally. Part of that, though, is that I am good at keeping things superficial and not getting too close to people. I usually do not talk about my deeper thoughts or troubling feelings. There have only been maybe 6 people (that I know of) who definitely saw me when I switched. But those people seemed very surprised, worried, or disbelieving because I seemed so unlike myself. In one particular case, where I really opened up about my problems over a long period of time to a close friend, things ended very badly.

So anyway, I thought maybe I had DDNOS, but probably not DID, also because I don't show the extreme manifestations of it, like suddenly "coming to" and not knowing where I am or how I got there. My t and I both have known for a long time that I have dissociation problems though. My official diagnosis is C-PTSD. But I've been afraid deep down that maybe I do have DID. I asked my t about it several months ago, and she said she thought it was "a fair diagnosis." She didn't actually come out and say I had it, though, and I was afraid to ask anymore about it.

Recently, my t and I started going through the workbook "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation." We are only in chapter 2, but it has already discussed that dissociation exists on a continuum from normal daydreaming all the way to DID. It mentioned the difference between DDNOS and DID also. Since we were going to review the chapter, I decided I was going to come right out and ask her what my diagnosis is and if I have DDNOS or DID... or just the kind of dissociation common to C-PTSD. She told me I do have C-PTSD, but I have DID too.

She said she has not written down DID officially as a diagnosis when she bills my insurance company because she is not sure they would pay it. She has only my C-PTSD down. She said she can add DID, though, if I want her to. I said No, I don't want her to. If, down the road, my insurance doesn't want to pay for therapy anymore because they say I have been in therapy too many years already, then I would be willing to have her share my DID diagnosis if that would justify the need for me to continue therapy.

Although it didn't come as a surprise to me that I have DID, I feel kind of uneasy now that it has been verified. One part of me keeps thinking there's no way it could be true. I'm too high-functioning. To another part of me, it makes sense and explains why I've struggled with so many issues and have been in therapy so long, despite how hard I try to get well!

Before knowing about the DID, I felt a lot of shame over why I can't do more, get well faster, be stronger. I've felt that there is no excuse why I can't act and feel like a normal responsible adult all the time! I get disgusted with myself for being forgetful and spacy. When I do something dumb as a result, especially in front of people, I've felt embarrassed. I'm talking about stuff like trying to get into the wrong car, not remembering faces of people that I should recognize, or (gasp) the rare occasion when I get triggered and break down sobbing so hard I can't breathe, and can't seem to quit. I've only done that two or three times in front of people other than my t and my husband. But again, when I did, I saw their reactions. On one occasion like that, the person who was with me seemed to totally avoid me after that.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry! I don't even know what I'm trying to say, or what I need from you guys. In some ways, I'm doubtful. In some ways, I'm relieved. And in other ways, I feel really scared!

Do you think my t should add DID to my official diagnosis for my insurance company? Or do you think it would be disputed or require a bunch of extra evaluation, etc. for them to approve continued sessions? Do those of you with a DID diagnosis have it officially written down in their records for insurance purposes or not?

I'm surprised I am feeling this scared about having the diagnosis, seeing as I have suspected it for awhile.

There's no way I'd ever tell my parents or sister about it. They are all completely disregarding of my problems with mental illness. They avoid mentioning it at all or acknowledging that anything is wrong with me. They never mention the word therapy or ask me anything about sessions. I've mentioned here and there things about my depression or anxiety, or something I learned in therapy, but it is followed by dead silence.

A couple of times, when I tried to talk to my mom about my issues, she said nothing happened to me as a kid that would have caused any mental health problems. She said, "It is just your hormones. One day, you will wake up, and it will be gone." She also told me "I think my childhood was a lot more unusual than yours." Also, nobody in my family ever mentioned anything when I was hospitalized on a 72-hour hold back in 2002 for feeling suicidal. My husband told them about it, but they never mentioned a word to me about it, didn't ask why I felt so bad, what they could do to help, etc. Just...nothing. Like it didn't happen. That's kind of how my family acted when I was a kid and bad things happened. The next day, everybody would pretend nothing happened. It really messed with my head.

I apologize this is so long. Thank you for anybody who actually made it to the end of my message.

I don't know what to think. T says I have DID. FOO doesn't believe anything is wrong. Different parts of me feel different ways. My husband knows I have a dissociative disorder and has seen different parts of me. He doesn't know enough about the various diagnoses to know whether I have DDNOS or DID. He just knows it is a real problem for me. He says it doesn't make him love me less. He says he is more worried about me not accepting it.

Can somebody here reassure me or give advice or something? A part of me is really feeling scared.

Wow, there are sooooo many things I relate to in your post.
First--being too high functioning to have DID. Sometimes, even today, that thought still crosses my mind. I think it's just another form of denial and identity dissociation for me. It's so much easier and less complicated to just think I'm quirky, or forgetful, or that I'm making up all this stuff like stories in my head, because if my DID isn't real, and my parts aren't real, then I don't have to face anything about myself or my past. I was thinking I'm too high functioning to have DID right when it was becoming the most obvious--one part was talking to me and taking over and talking to a friend of mine. That friend, thankfully, is still my friend, and tells me anytime I feel like maybe my parts are not real she will gladly remind me they are absolutely real and will let me read her journal entries to prove it. I'm glad I have her to remind me, or I might go around and around in my forgetful circles. Then I wonder how I could have gotten through nearly 4 decades of life without anyone knowing... But then, there have been people in my life who met parts, or witnessed a breakdown. And I also have forgotten people who were friends. And I too have wondered why I can't just be normal, and do more, and handle little stresses that others do just fine with. Funny that I didn't wonder why I had long conversations with myself in different voices for as long as I can remember. Funny that I swore I didn't have any parts but when I talked about my past I described times when I would be a different person, with different motives and mannerisms and ways of dressing. I said I didn't lose time but there are large pieces of my memory that are just absent, and often someone will mention having a conversation with me that I don't remember at all. I've held jobs all these years though. Never been fired. I think DID has been the reason I've held jobs and look normal to most people. When I experienced work stress I dissociated those feelings. Overworking kept me from ever having time to think about things or feel things. When the stress led to a breakdown I was sick for a few days but somehow could hide the worst of it. All but one of my friendships is superficial and one sided. I'm good at keeping people at a distance. I spend a great deal of my personal time alone.
I haven't dared tell any family because they were all super at denying things growing up (everything is perfectly fine/nothing happened/stop feeling sorry for yourself) and I am sure that they will say nothing that bad ever happened to me. After all, if it was that bad, they would have to face that, and they can't.
Actually though, and this may sound strange, I don't know--I like my parts. Therapy has helped me connect with them and I have gone from scared to glad. They help. They have always helped. If some things they did were not good decisions that was the best we could do at the time, but life is far far better now that we know each other. I never could have coped, and quite frankly, survived this long without them. I have a strange little family in my head, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It took some time for me to come around to feeling this way. Letting go and allowing myself to take in the truth of my partitioned condition went against the powerful denial that had been _our_ way of life for always. It was hard, and scary, and several parts did not want that denial to stop. But now here we are, working together.
I hope you find that encouragement you are needing.

[TishaBuv]

Do you have to have alters to have DID? If a person doesn’t hear voices except the dialogue with themselves inside their head, and totally zones out in fantasy to the point of forgetting where they are driving to, can that be DID?

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Do you have to have alters to have DID? If a person doesn’t hear voices except the dialogue with themselves inside their head, and totally zones out in fantasy to the point of forgetting where they are driving to, can that be DID?

As a short answer, there has to be two or more distinct "personalities" that take control of a person's behavior to have DID.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

As a short answer, there has to be two or more distinct "personalities" that take control of a person's behavior to have DID.

I have imaginary friends but no alters. I zone out with my imaginary fantasies. I dissociate when I can’t cope with reality.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I have imaginary friends but no alters. I zone out with my imaginary fantasies. I dissociate when I can’t cope with reality.

your first question from another post in this thread.... do you have to have alters to have DID.....

short answer yes. longer answer dissociative disorders now have new requirements since 2013 (you can read about this in the DSM 5, which is the diagnostic book that american treatment providers use along with special tests to decide whether someone has DID or not, or you can ask your treatment providers about what they go by for diagnosing whether you have DID or not or you can google the words Dissociative Identity Disorder criteria which will also give you many links to what american treatment providers now use for .........diagnosing..... this mental disorder)

answer to your question in this post I am replying to.... here in america having imaginary friends is different than having DID alters, having imaginary friends actually does this thing called ruling out having DID, this is because its normal for children to have imaginary friends, if they didnt rule it out then every child in the whole world would be called DID and not normal. children learn how to play pretend and have imaginary friends from their parents, friends and teachers. its not something that happens to them like abuse, its just normal play time. my children learned how to play pretend and have imaginary friends by watching sesame street and at preschool through playing dress up games.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment providers, they will explain more of the technical stuff of what a DID alter is vs having imaginary friends and why they have you diagnosed what ever ways they do.

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I have imaginary friends but no alters. I zone out with my imaginary fantasies. I dissociate when I can’t cope with reality.

If your imaginary friends do not actually...um, _become_ you and walk around and use your body, then it doesn’t count for a DID diagnosis, however there are similar diagnoses that cover conditions lower on the dissociative spectrum, such as DDNOS. A related condition is CPTSD. I am sure that your concern is legitimate and there is a name for what you are experiencing. If you read up on these and seek qualified advice, I’m also certain you’ll find out what it is and find some help. I remember feeling awful when I knew there was something not right with me but I had no idea what, or what to do. It was scary to not know.

Edit— Naturally I’m assuming that you do not know your diagnosis or that the diagnosis you’ve been given doesn’t capture your concerns. Please pardon me if I have assumed too much.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Wow, there are sooooo many things I relate to in your post.
First--being too high functioning to have DID. Sometimes, even today, that thought still crosses my mind. I think it's just another form of denial and identity dissociation for me. It's so much easier and less complicated to just think I'm quirky, or forgetful, or that I'm making up all this stuff like stories in my head, because if my DID isn't real, and my parts aren't real, then I don't have to face anything about myself or my past. I was thinking I'm too high functioning to have DID right when it was becoming the most obvious--one part was talking to me and taking over and talking to a friend of mine. That friend, thankfully, is still my friend, and tells me anytime I feel like maybe my parts are not real she will gladly remind me they are absolutely real and will let me read her journal entries to prove it. I'm glad I have her to remind me, or I might go around and around in my forgetful circles. Then I wonder how I could have gotten through nearly 4 decades of life without anyone knowing... But then, there have been people in my life who met parts, or witnessed a breakdown. And I also have forgotten people who were friends. And I too have wondered why I can't just be normal, and do more, and handle little stresses that others do just fine with. Funny that I didn't wonder why I had long conversations with myself in different voices for as long as I can remember. Funny that I swore I didn't have any parts but when I talked about my past I described times when I would be a different person, with different motives and mannerisms and ways of dressing. I said I didn't lose time but there are large pieces of my memory that are just absent, and often someone will mention having a conversation with me that I don't remember at all. I've held jobs all these years though. Never been fired. I think DID has been the reason I've held jobs and look normal to most people. When I experienced work stress I dissociated those feelings. Overworking kept me from ever having time to think about things or feel things. When the stress led to a breakdown I was sick for a few days but somehow could hide the worst of it. All but one of my friendships is superficial and one sided. I'm good at keeping people at a distance. I spend a great deal of my personal time alone.
I haven't dared tell any family because they were all super at denying things growing up (everything is perfectly fine/nothing happened/stop feeling sorry for yourself) and I am sure that they will say nothing that bad ever happened to me. After all, if it was that bad, they would have to face that, and they can't.
Actually though, and this may sound strange, I don't know--I like my parts. Therapy has helped me connect with them and I have gone from scared to glad. They help. They have always helped. If some things they did were not good decisions that was the best we could do at the time, but life is far far better now that we know each other. I never could have coped, and quite frankly, survived this long without them. I have a strange little family in my head, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It took some time for me to come around to feeling this way. Letting go and allowing myself to take in the truth of my partitioned condition went against the powerful denial that had been _our_ way of life for always. It was hard, and scary, and several parts did not want that denial to stop. But now here we are, working together.
I hope you find that encouragement you are needing.

Thanks for this post Solnutty, there are so many things I relate to here as well. I am fairly high functioning (I function at work but am not - yet -capable of tolerating relationships and an beginning to enjoy some members of the "strange little family in my head" (nice description).
Your comments about the time loss struck a chord with me and I don't quite get how that all works. I am not often aware of time loss in the moment but it most often makes itself known when other people talk about past events. It always confuses me even though I know the "why". Last week a work colleague was remembering the time we went on a work team bonding thing on a farm retreat and we had a minor accident on the quad bike. Umm, excuse me? We did what and what happened?? Apparently she was driving it, I was on the back and she drove into a barbed wire fence and cut her leg up, requiring stitches. This was three years ago and confirmed by other colleagues. I don't remember the retreat, I don't remember ever being on a quad bike and I don't remember my colleague having to be on light duties for a couple weeks while her leg healed.
This kind of thing happens every now and then and always flabbergasts me, even though I know WHY it happens.
Because I don't ever lose time. Right??

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Thanks for this post Solnutty, there are so many things I relate to here as well. I am fairly high functioning (I function at work but am not - yet -capable of tolerating relationships and an beginning to enjoy some members of the "strange little family in my head" (nice description).
Your comments about the time loss struck a chord with me and I don't quite get how that all works. I am not often aware of time loss in the moment but it most often makes itself known when other people talk about past events. It always confuses me even though I know the "why"...This kind of thing happens every now and then and always flabbergasts me, even though I know WHY it happens.
Because I don't ever lose time. Right??

Yes! Thank you for your reply. One of the biggest things that made me think I couldn’t have DID was that I don’t lose time. Well, at least I never “knew in the moment,” like you said. Just yesterday I was talking to my friend and telling her she should come see my room since I repainted it, and she looked at me funny and said she did. I was a little shocked. I had no memory of her coming over, and that had to have happened only a week previous. At least with her I can honestly say I don’t remember, because she knows why, and I like to tell her when I can’t remember because she will fill me in. It might seem like a fluke if it didn’t happen so much. I thought there must’ve been another alter involved, and there was.
I’ve forgotten big group trips like that too. People relate stories to me and I find myself trying to play it off and also trying to get as much information as possible. My friend says I forget emotional conversations pretty regularly. I had a woman contact me on social media and say we went to high school together. I remembered her from the yearbook but she said we were good friends. I played like I remembered and got her to talk all about it. The person she described as me is not who I remember being, but clearly she had been my friend, and she knew all kinds of things about me but I couldn’t remember anything about her. Much later I met the alter who made friends for the System back then, and she was obviously the one described.
I lost time in the more immediate sense a couple months ago. I woke up one morning and had no memory of coming home or going to bed. Thankfully I knew which alters to ask about it.
I could go on and on. I can’t say I don’t lose time. I guess I just don’t notice it is gone until later. It feels validating to hear about someone else with a similar experience, and recognize that I do lose time.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

I could go on and on. I can’t say I don’t lose time. I guess I just don’t notice it is gone until later. It feels validating to hear about someone else with a similar experience, and recognize that I do lose time.

Yes. All of that. So much all of that.
I do have those times when I 'come to' and I just know things ain't right. But like you that is rare. Generally I am just so not aware of losing time that whenever I come up against evidence of it (which is often!) I am bamboozled. I guess it's a contradiction of sorts. I am hardly ever aware of losing time but there is plenty of awareness of the evidence that time has been lost. The math doesn't add up!

[peaches100]

Thank you so much, everybody, for the information, encouragement, and personal experiences you shared with me. It is helping me get a grip on how I could actually have DID but be so high functioning. I am going to reread this thread several times to make sure I remember it. In fact, I will probably save the whole thing so I can look back at it when I get that recurring feeling that "It's just not possible. I couldn't possibly have DID" because I know it will happen again. It's a hard thing to wrap my head around when at least a couple parts of me feel relieved and are like, "YES! Now things that confused me make more sense!" but other parts of me either don't want to believe or just plain don't believe the diagnosis.