[TrailRunner14]

*** Could be triggering. ***

Could be triggering for hiding from what you’ve been running from for too long.

So.

Is it really the “fear” of knowing?

Or.

Is it the denial, guilt and shame of knowing and accepting what you already know?

Denial is taking in.....

My life has been at the expense of other people’s bad choices.

Or.

My life has been a work to make other people’s bad choices tolerable for me.

Denial thinks that it’s time for a change.

Denial doesn’t know how to take all this in and make a change for good.

It feels so heavy and too much to sort out.

[Amyjay]

This topic is close to my own heart with my experience of our own Denial in therapy last week and the understanding of the need for it.

There was a crossroads when a choice was made within us to separate from all self experience and self knowledge in order to be able to function in any capacity at all. In therapy last week we re-experienced this and experienced self as a bodyless head floating high above all, severed from all connection with self.

It had to be that way.

It was the only way.

We were able to see how separate it had to be, how much had to left behind/ignored/denied/cut off/abandoned.
Self knowledge, self truth, self experiencing, self feeling, self ownership was all sacrificed for the opportunity to survive through it and hold on to a chance to come out the other side.
All self was disowned.

Our path is different to yours but with a similar theme it seems.

I don't think it all has to be taken in at once.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

This topic is close to my own heart with my experience of our own Denial in therapy last week and the understanding of the need for it.


There was a crossroads when a choice was made within us to separate from all self experience and self knowledge in order to be able to function in any capacity at all. In therapy last week we re-experienced this and experienced self as a bodyless head floating high above all, severed from all connection with self.


It had to be that way.


It was the only way.


We were able to see how separate it had to be, how much had to left behind/ignored/denied/cut off/abandoned.

Self knowledge, self truth, self experiencing, self feeling, self ownership was all sacrificed for the opportunity to survive through it and hold on to a chance to come out the other side.

All self was disowned.



Our path is different to yours but with a similar theme it seems.


I don't think it all has to be taken in at once.

Yes.

I totally understand everything you’ve said.

All last week I kept thinking that I didn’t even feel human.

The feeling that my life has been at the expense of other people’s bad choices when to my core. It did something to me.

I felt what you said about “all self was disowned” and it resonated with me that that’s been my whole life.

Denial is full front and I don’t think that this is going to be easy or without pain and tears.

There is much more that I could say but I think that pretty much wraps it up.

I welcome it.

It feels like long misunderstood freedom, without knowing why or which way to go.

[TrailRunner14]

I wanted to put this somewhere before I went to bed.

Denial is remembering the gaslighting from my mom.

It was 2 Thanksgivings ago. It was unprovoked and there were no questions to her or any reason that she should have done what she did.

My family got to her home and walked inside and she met me at the door with an envelope with something inside that she wanted me to read. Right then.

It was written by someone that she knew that was a principal at a country school. The article spoke of children that came to school and talked of things that happened at home and children that were not properly cared for.

The article was making a point of children making more of a situation at home than was called for and the main gist of the article, and actually the title I think, was “It Wasn’t That Bad”.

As I sat at the table, reading it silently with my family wondering what was going on, I went numb. I couldn’t believe that she was standing there watching me read this and waiting for my response.

I read it and just laid the paper on the table, with my family watching, and my mom said, “See, it wasn’t that bad.”

“See, it wasn’t that bad.”

I just looked at her and didn’t know what to say.

I still don’t.

Denial has a question.

I don’t deny that my father was a jackazz. I don’t deny that when I erred, I needed punishment. I don’t deny that my father was way too heavy handed and raged. I don’t deny that my mother is nuts. I don’t deny my controlling father ridiculed and harassed. I don’t deny that I was a victim in situations beyond my control. I don’t deny that this is real.

I guess I don’t live in denial.

[TrailRunner14]

Forgive me for the last post. I wasn’t in a good place last night when I put that here.

I don’t know how to contact a moderator but if you see this, can you please remove this?

[Amyjay]

Trailrunner, I see you have asked for your post to be removed so I won't quote it here.
But I do want to say Your post is your truth. Your truth is your reality. Your truth is important - very, very important. In order to live life with integrity and realness and honesty and truth we need to be able to accept and evaluate our own perceptions on their own merits.

I assume that is far from the only time your mother has gaslighted you, far from the only time she has tried to determine your reality for you. I bet that is far from the only time she has manipulated you into not believing what you see, feel, hear, sense and know with your own body and mind.

Can I just say.... No wonder there is Denial. In order to live with a family, your family, you were told to not know your self.

Same same.
Me too.

[Amyjay]

Can I also say

You said you weren't in a good place when you posted the previous night, but from an outside point of view your post looks very straightforward, very truthful, very matter of fact. It says "This is what happened". (And what happened was definitely gaslighting and an outright attempt to discredit and invalidate your own perceptions of your own reality).
That post takes possession of your own experience without shaming without denying without minimizing and without deflecting. It just says what happened.
I respect that the place you were in was not a good one. It seems like you were "seeing" what happened and were able to acknowledge the wrongness of it. That in itself is huge.
To me your post is very powerful. I hope you let it stay but I very much understand if it feels like too much.
But yay you for having the courage to see and to own that for that little bit of time.
It is important!!

[Amyjay]

Ugh, so much more to say.
That principal was so wrong to say what she said too. We all know how much ACE scores negatively impact on child development and the numbers say that high ACE scores are prevalent in society.
Although ONE principal of uninformed opinion may say that what children say happens at home is overblown and "not so bad", the numbers don't lie... 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before 18, 65% of people have a childhood ACE score of at least 1 and an alarming number of children have ACE scores of 4 or greater.

I think that principal must be living with blinders on.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Can I also say


You said you weren't in a good place when you posted the previous night, but from an outside point of view your post looks very straightforward, very truthful, very matter of fact. It says "This is what happened". (And what happened was definitely gaslighting and an outright attempt to discredit and invalidate your own perceptions of your own reality).

That post takes possession of your own experience without shaming without denying without minimizing and without deflecting. It just says what happened.

I respect that the place you were in was not a good one. It seems like you were "seeing" what happened and were able to acknowledge the wrongness of it. That in itself is huge.

To me your post is very powerful. I hope you let it stay but I very much understand if it feels like too much.

But yay you for having the courage to see and to own that for that little bit of time.

It is important!!

Thank you!

I would like for it to stay, but I can’t edit the request anymore. I guess time has run out to do that.

Your responses are very validating to me and I would like for them to stay.

They actually put a level of realness to it.

[TrailRunner14]

TO THE MODERATORS.

Please disregard my request to remove this.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

TO THE MODERATORS.

Please disregard my request to remove this.

Yay for owning that little bit more of your own reality!!

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

TO THE MODERATORS.

Please disregard my request to remove this.

Yeah, I didn’t see nothing wrong with it. Usually when I find weird posts made on this account, I just ignore it. It must of meant something to someone at sometime.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you.

[TrailRunner14]

An added note.

Denial feels that she is of no consequence.

Not really sure what that means.

I just wanted to put it here.