[L.P.]

I wanted to bring this here. Maybe ya'll could help.

This talks of integration, so yeah... if that is triggery to you, best to move along now. Self care, it is important.

I watched some video tonight about a woman with DID. She had a little come out at on point. It put a smile on my face, the way the little was comfy cozy talking with that dude. It also got me thinking about myself and the other mes who are not quite me. I wrote a damn list... a who is who in here (those I think might still be in here), this body of mine. I sat around for a bit asking myself if anyone else was in here with me. I got no response. I wasn't really expecting one. At least not so quick. Would have been nice though.

Anyway... The last time I remember losing time was back in February or March. I went from being a person who would be up to ten people a day to one all day every day. Twenty four hours is soooooo long and life is... meh. That's another thing though. That seems important. The way I used to function v/s how I have been. It's an extreme change to me. I went from living a few hours in a day to all of them... that's big. To me anyhow.

Thing is, I don't know that I am integrated. I don't know that I am not. I know time loss isn't a thing, but I have also had others go 'dormant' for whatever reason. I just don't know. And that is bothering me for many reasons. I'm used to fighting the not knowing/uncertainty/doubt that I have DID with obvious things I cannot logically ignore, like time loss. I'm afraid I am doing my others a disservice by thinking it's just me if it is not. There's more, but, the whole thing has me at a loss. I think to myself if it is integration, shouldn't I know it? If it isn't, shouldn't I know it? All I know is that I know nothing. I'm just here.

And I know no one here can tell me some answer that will be that light bulb over the head all conclusive thing-a-ma-bobber or whatever. And I can't ask my therapist because I got rid of her due to her inability to be helpful and not stressful. I'm not asking for that, I don't want another psych professional.

What I am asking for is can any of you relate? Have you had a time where you went from being many 'yous' to just 'you' flying solo? If you did, how'd that go? What did you do? Did they come back or stay gone or something else? Or have you ever had a way that you functioned for a long time change on you? If you did, what did you do with your new normal? How did you handle it? Did you believe it and did it stick? Or what would you do in my situation... if you read and some kind of advice popped in your head lay it on me by all means.

I'm finding this all rather perplexing tonight. I blame the video... the video I fell bassackwards into on a not DID forum elsewhere. I know it's not though. It's been something that has been bugging me for more than a little while now. But yeah, like the title says, any input would be welcome. I am at a total loss right about now. And with that, I am going to bed and gonna try to talk to my potentially not so inner inner selves. I thank you for reading.

-me (whoever that is or is not these days)

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I wanted to bring this here. Maybe ya'll could help.

This talks of integration, so yeah... if that is triggery to you, best to move along now. Self care, it is important.

I watched some video tonight about a woman with DID. She had a little come out at on point. It put a smile on my face, the way the little was comfy cozy talking with that dude. It also got me thinking about myself and the other mes who are not quite me. I wrote a damn list... a who is who in here (those I think might still be in here), this body of mine. I sat around for a bit asking myself if anyone else was in here with me. I got no response. I wasn't really expecting one. At least not so quick. Would have been nice though.

Anyway... The last time I remember losing time was back in February or March. I went from being a person who would be up to ten people a day to one all day every day. Twenty four hours is soooooo long and life is... meh. That's another thing though. That seems important. The way I used to function v/s how I have been. It's an extreme change to me. I went from living a few hours in a day to all of them... that's big. To me anyhow.

Thing is, I don't know that I am integrated. I don't know that I am not. I know time loss isn't a thing, but I have also had others go 'dormant' for whatever reason. I just don't know. And that is bothering me for many reasons. I'm used to fighting the not knowing/uncertainty/doubt that I have DID with obvious things I cannot logically ignore, like time loss. I'm afraid I am doing my others a disservice by thinking it's just me if it is not. There's more, but, the whole thing has me at a loss. I think to myself if it is integration, shouldn't I know it? If it isn't, shouldn't I know it? All I know is that I know nothing. I'm just here.

And I know no one here can tell me some answer that will be that light bulb over the head all conclusive thing-a-ma-bobber or whatever. And I can't ask my therapist because I got rid of her due to her inability to be helpful and not stressful. I'm not asking for that, I don't want another psych professional.

What I am asking for is can any of you relate? Have you had a time where you went from being many 'yous' to just 'you' flying solo? If you did, how'd that go? What did you do? Did they come back or stay gone or something else? Or have you ever had a way that you functioned for a long time change on you? If you did, what did you do with your new normal? How did you handle it? Did you believe it and did it stick? Or what would you do in my situation... if you read and some kind of advice popped in your head lay it on me by all means.

I'm finding this all rather perplexing tonight. I blame the video... the video I fell bassackwards into on a not DID forum elsewhere. I know it's not though. It's been something that has been bugging me for more than a little while now. But yeah, like the title says, any input would be welcome. I am at a total loss right about now. And with that, I am going to bed and gonna try to talk to my potentially not so inner inner selves. I thank you for reading.

-me (whoever that is or is not these days)

first I need to say something about videos..... you only get to see what they want you to see. by that I mean you dont know what they did to the video. you dont know how many "takes" it took to get what they put on the video, what was edit'ed out or in, what software they used, what the actual context was that the video was shot for and with, ..... lots of stuff ... what you see is only what the person making the video wants others to see, believe and react to. there are many videos out there now that also contain information and situations that are no longer considered to be part of DID and dissociative disorders simply because the person filming or the person Supposedly with DID in the video may not know that things are constantly changing professionally with this disorder...

my point is if you are the kind of person that falls into the trap of videos as I tend to call it, you might want to watch them only with your treatment provider so that they can help you understand the videos and which parts of the videos are related to what ever your treatment plans and problems are, not the made up, crap thats been edited and messed around with in hopes that the video goes viral and earns the ratings and such.

by the way did you know that sometimes people get paid for their blogging and vlogging. that too can speak volumes on the validity of videos, I cant tell you how many times I have watched these blogging and vlogging videos only to discover the person on news shows and talk shows admitting they are not DID, they only did their video and blogging for the money. be careful when watching videos.

heres how I combatted all that crap on line. my own therapist used their office equipment to record my sessions. now any time I wanted to see what its like to be DID all I had to do is ask to see the therapy session recordings. they documented my therapy plans, my process of how my body dissociates and who and what my alters were, the triggers everything directly related to me and my dissociative problems.

Integration well not alot of people here on psych central are ready for this kind of discussions, for many people integration is one of those "scary" topics. so Im not going to go into any great details.

what I can say is that my integration process was not like you see in the movies, books and online videos. and it wasnt the big bang at the end of therapy thing.

in its simplest terms integration just means learning and understanding what ever concepts that you are working on....

students integrate their math skills from year to year (they learn 1+1, then they learn 1x1 then they learn to divide, measure and so on everything they learn helps them with the next step.

my integration process was like that, a natural process that started when I entered a college class that required the students to take an in class sample psych eval then find a mental health treatment provider, go through actual diagnostic evaluations, and treatment based on those evaluations, the next step in my integration process was learning and accepting I had DID. The next step in my integration process was years of therapy work to learn about myself and my problems, learning grounding and other tools that enabled me to do my self care, self nurturing and no longer be triggered into dissociation by learning how to take care of my problems with out dissociating, by staying grounded and dealing with my problems head on. as I grew stronger and more able to take care of myself and my problems the alters were no longer needed so my less than one personality went back to being one whole personality.

I say less than one personality because its the new way here where I am to look at having alternate personalities.

here the new standards is that a person doesnt have "more than one personality" they have one personality that was divided up due to dissociation, so that now the person with DID doesnt have a whole personality, they have a less than one personality....

think of it like an apple or an orange. its whole then along comes extreme trauma cutting the fruit into 8 now each section is 1/8th of a whole.

strange I know but thats the new standards and definitions of a person with DID and their alters here where I am, until integration back into one whole personality again each only has a fraction of that whole personality. definitely a weird concept but yet on some level I always knew this (example looking back on my posts I find many where I stated the words merged back together to form one whole person or personality again so for me its not that totally foreign a concept to use the new definitions.just didnt want you to panic when you saw that phrase "less than one"

because being one whole personality was not my normal my struggles with this integration process began after I was one whole personality again. before that it was normal everything that came with DID so I didnt have the struggles with alters going dormant. maybe that was because my alters were trigger/ dissociative related meaning they took control any time I was triggered into dissociating.

my suggestion is to find out what your own integration process is and what to expect based on you, you will need to find another treatment provider and work with them on this. they will explain whats going on with you and if and how that relates to what your integration process is/ will be/..

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I wanted to bring this here. Maybe ya'll could help.

This talks of integration, so yeah... if that is triggery to you, best to move along now. Self care, it is important.

I watched some video tonight about a woman with DID. She had a little come out at on point. It put a smile on my face, the way the little was comfy cozy talking with that dude. It also got me thinking about myself and the other mes who are not quite me. I wrote a damn list... a who is who in here (those I think might still be in here), this body of mine. I sat around for a bit asking myself if anyone else was in here with me. I got no response. I wasn't really expecting one. At least not so quick. Would have been nice though.

Anyway... The last time I remember losing time was back in February or March. I went from being a person who would be up to ten people a day to one all day every day. Twenty four hours is soooooo long and life is... meh. That's another thing though. That seems important. The way I used to function v/s how I have been. It's an extreme change to me. I went from living a few hours in a day to all of them... that's big. To me anyhow.

Thing is, I don't know that I am integrated. I don't know that I am not. I know time loss isn't a thing, but I have also had others go 'dormant' for whatever reason. I just don't know. And that is bothering me for many reasons. I'm used to fighting the not knowing/uncertainty/doubt that I have DID with obvious things I cannot logically ignore, like time loss. I'm afraid I am doing my others a disservice by thinking it's just me if it is not. There's more, but, the whole thing has me at a loss. I think to myself if it is integration, shouldn't I know it? If it isn't, shouldn't I know it? All I know is that I know nothing. I'm just here.

And I know no one here can tell me some answer that will be that light bulb over the head all conclusive thing-a-ma-bobber or whatever. And I can't ask my therapist because I got rid of her due to her inability to be helpful and not stressful. I'm not asking for that, I don't want another psych professional.

What I am asking for is can any of you relate? Have you had a time where you went from being many 'yous' to just 'you' flying solo? If you did, how'd that go? What did you do? Did they come back or stay gone or something else? Or have you ever had a way that you functioned for a long time change on you? If you did, what did you do with your new normal? How did you handle it? Did you believe it and did it stick? Or what would you do in my situation... if you read and some kind of advice popped in your head lay it on me by all means.

I'm finding this all rather perplexing tonight. I blame the video... the video I fell bassackwards into on a not DID forum elsewhere. I know it's not though. It's been something that has been bugging me for more than a little while now. But yeah, like the title says, any input would be welcome. I am at a total loss right about now. And with that, I am going to bed and gonna try to talk to my potentially not so inner inner selves. I thank you for reading.

-me (whoever that is or is not these days)

I'm sorry you are struggling and questioning all this.I know firsthand how confusing it can all be.I do believe you will eventually figure things out and come up with your own answers.

Can someone integrate and not know it?Sure they can.I had a fairly large group of young ones that gradually became smaller as time in therapy passed until it 'seemed like'and 'felt like' they all merged into just one young one.I was confused about whether that had really happened or not and what it meant.After awhile I finally talked to my therapist about it and he explained they had integrated into one.It wasn't like BAM and there was instant knowledge it had happened,like you I was confused and questioning things.

It was kinda like that throughout the whole integration process for me,things being different and questioning what was going on until finally I reached full integration and then I did know for sure that's what it was.And no,mine didn't return or un-integrate.For mr it was more like them 'dissolving' into me,but that word sounds too dramatic for what I am trying to explain but I don't know how else to explain it.

There were times though before full integration that some would kinda just fade into the background for awhile.Usually other ones came forward though,depending on the situations,what my tirggers were,what type of stress I had going on in my life,etc.For example,if I was going through a lot of stress at work then the younger ones kinda faded into the background for awhile and the adults were the ones being triggered out.Sometimes for days,weeks,even months.But then if there was family stress the young ones would be triggered.It wasn't always the same ones because things in my life were always so different.There were times I thought maybe some were gone but they weren't,it was just they weren't being triggered out to do their roles.Hope that makes sense.

If it makes you feel better,I think what you're experiencing right now,the questioning,the doubts,the confusuion,etc. is pretty common with DID.I hope things settle down or you find some clarity soon.