[Angie84]

A few weeks ago I called an ambulance after cutting the artery in my wrist whilst dissociated. Two ambulance technicians arrived and immediately panicked as they were not expecting it to be an actual arterial bleed, despite me stating this to the ambulance controller. When they finally decided to take me to the ambulance depot to get an actual paramedic (with not intervention to stop or lessen the bleed), the paramedic got me stabilised and then decided that she and the two technicians would take me to the hospital (about 40 mins away) and to leave a single technician in the area. Later that evening, the ambulance technician came to speak to me in A&E and told me that a person had died because of me, as she was left alone and someone had a cardiac arrest. I realise that she would have said this to try to stop me self harming (as they don't seem to understand dissociation), but instead it has left me feeling that I cannot call ambulance of this happens again, and that I don't deserve help.

I realise that was quite a long speel, and thanks for reading this far! I just wondered if anyone has had any similar experience.

[Rive1976]

While it is unforunate that someone died this is not your fault. You were in a crisis and it was your alter not you that did this. You are worth calling thr ambulance if it happens again. They should not have said that to you. It doesnt help anything really because it wasnt you technically.

[Angie84]

Thanks for your reply. They just don't seem to understand. On one hand I know it's not my fault as it was the paramedic's decision to leave that technician working alone, and I know nothing of the person's medical history. It could have been an elderly person with heart problems and a DNR as for all I know. On the other hand, I'm thinking what she said was true. Whilst I know this is my dissociative part making me think this, I just can't seem to ignore it.

[Rive1976]

Im so sorry. Sending safe(((hugs)))

[Betty_Banana]

I hope you're in therapy Angie and working on what triggers that part to do what it does,what the purpose is so that the SH can be stopped.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you....some fools take it upon themselves to open their mouths and utter shear stupidity displaying their ignorance let alone their lack of humanity. These self-righteous aholes would serve mankind better by taking a course on dignity and compassion in how to care for the hurting and sick....or better yet, just stfu and do their job. People like them is a cause enough to self-harm. They make me sick.

[downandlonely]

That technician should never have blamed you for another person's death. You did not stop that other person's heart, and who knows if they could have been saved anyway.

You are worth saving, and you should call the ambulance when you need to.

[mountainstream]

I echo all those who say you are worth saving. As is everyone.

Talk about kicking a person when they’re down. She was way out of line and should be reported on. How dare they judge....

Don’t let this get to you....

I can see them being frustrated...but that’s no excuse for their behavior.

You be sure to take care of yourself and keep safe.

[Fuzzybear]

How dare they judge

Please be safe

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

I hope you're in therapy Angie and working on what triggers that part to do what it does,what the purpose is so that the SH can be stopped.

Sorry,not sure where the rest of my post went.

I don't even know what to say about what was said to you.I don't even have words that could convey just how completely wrong and fuc*ed up it was to blame you.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Hugs

[MickeyCheeky]

That was a terrible thing to say to you, Angie84! This is a classic case of victim blaming. Of course it wasn't your fault that other person died. You were hurting and you needed help just as everyone else would have in your situation. And besides, it wans't your responsability. Please try to forget those hurtful words. You absolutely deserve help if this should happen again. Don't hesitate to call the ambulance whenever you need it. You're as worthy of help as everyone else. I'm so sorry that the other person died, of course, but it wasn't your fault. I hope you'll feel better soon. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[Angie84]

Thank you all for your responses. Logically I know it wasn't my fault, and both my GP and psychiatrist have reassured me and asked if I wanted to put in a complaint. So part of me knows that it was her that was in the wrong, but the other part of me, the one that wants to die is trying it's best to make me believe otherwise.

[MickeyCheeky]

Keep fighting that part, Angie84! You deserve to live and to stay well. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Sending many hugs to you

[Angie84]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Keep fighting that part, Angie84! You deserve to live and to stay well. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you. I have now been started on different medication, which I feel is making me quite elated. However despite this, I'm still having those thoughts that I need to die. I think I might phone my psychiatrist tomorrow as I don't want to end up feeling great about the thoughts of suicide.

I have parts that just want to die because those part’s knee jerk reaction is to cringe (fear, unsuredness, embarrassment: all feelings parts raised up on) because they grew up not knowing how to deal with life, especially when it comes to dealing with other people. They are easily embarrassed or shamed and just want to give up. But being more grown up, we have learned to swallow hard and step forward and deal with real life issues with other people’s behaviors- but to always be aware of our own outward appearance.

I acknowledge the inner feeling...but it’s just a feeling that we comfort and reassure that we got this.

Maybe more looking forward then inward would help?