Past attractions that hurt Present-day me

I wanna start by saying: I don't blame any of my alters for what they did to help Outside Jacq to survive.

I've noticed that many of the very strong attractions I have, has its roots in very bad (TM) things. For example, I used to be very interested in being a Furry - a cat to be specific, but I worked out that this came from an extremely abusive role-play I was forced to take part in as a young kid. As soon as I put the pieces together, my attraction disappeared immediately.

The attractions come in all shapes and sizes - I was obsessed with buying some clothing with black and white chequer-board pattern. I've seen it on a lot of clothing in the past few years. But I worked out yesterday that it is the same pattern of floor tiles in a house I was taken to, where one of my dad's abusive "friends" lived.

I'm glad my alters and I have put the pieces together, but I feel like I'm having to second-guess myself on things I'm attracted to. There's one thing in particular that is a very sexual attraction, but we think it feeds into one of the worst abusive episodes we went through.

My therapist once told me that fear and arousal can often get confused. I understand that, but I still feel a bit sick that this is where my mind takes me. I don't want to be abused again. I don't want to turn something that happened to me into something I desire. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Is it possible to unravel all the parts of me that came from the abuse? Is it worth even trying?

Yes it is possible to unravel and it's most definitely worth trying.It sounds like you've already made much progress,you just need to keep trudging through

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, ACrystalGem I believe it is possible to unravel all of the part of you that came from abuse, but it does take time and work. However it seems like you're making progress already. Good for you! Be proud of yourself for that. Just keep working on it. It's definitely worth it. Once you're able to unravel all of this, you'll be able to get through all of this and hopefully thing will get better for you. You'll be able to keep healthier relationships, hopefully. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

I can definitely relate to the " Not being able to distinguish fear from arousal " issue....it's very complex . One of my others has a same sex attraction and it's been difficult to say the least. I guess what I want to say is that I'm a work in progress. Each day brings new insight <3 I hope you have a wonderful night.